Silver Moon

She is my sliver moon,
She is my guiding light through times of night.
I can't escape her,
I can't ever let her go.
She is my one true comfort,
The damsil with blonde hair.
Without a sun the moon cannot glow
So let me help her glow,
Let me take her hand and brush her lips.
Every new love has to grow.

Years go by and her serene gaze freezes in my head,
Follows me to bed and runs through my dreams.
All my veins are flowing fresh with heated blood
A deluge of love I have with her
Is flooding through my head,
It follows me until I'm dead.
Even old love can grow,
By the side of the one who glows.

(I made this for my girlfirend. Hope she likes it.)

This poem is so beautiful and sweet. Your girlfriend will love it.

Truly beautiful! I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate. I love the metaphor of you being the sun who helps her, the moon, to shine and thrive and grow. And the last two lines are particularly tender and moving.

This poem is beautiful. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm sure your girlfriend will love it. There isn't really anything for me to suggest besides you might want to work on the flow. One rare part of your piece seemed a little stressed, but then again I think it also adds a little character do it. It also adds a little change and will keep the reader reading. (:

-Morgan(:

I like this. I loved the metaphor of the moon and the sun. Though if you ask me to spend your whole life with someone seems like a long time, but I liked the way you pointed out that even old love can grow despite you know... being old. I think that's important to acknowledge in the begining that if you really love someone then you have to keep growing. your poem pointed all this out in a very unique way and I'm sure your girlfriend will love this. Good luck.

``greyson``

Hey there!

What a lovely poem. I'm sure your girlfriend will like it.

Nitpicks:

Thefadedphotograph wrote:The damsil with blonde hair.

Shouldn't it be 'damsel?'

Thefadedphotograph wrote:Years go by and her serene glare freezes in my head,

'Glare' isn't really a suitable word here. I mean, glaring is done by people when they're angry, and being angry is, of course, not serene. . I'd replace it with a word like 'gaze.'

Thefadedphotograph wrote:Follows me to bed and tells me how to go . . .
About my life.
All the strife is disembodied and thrown into the clouds.

I'd rearrange this, otherwise it'll make the flow choppy.
My version of the first four lines below, rearranged. (It's just an example, maybe you can come up with something better? )

"Years go by, yet her serene gaze
still remains in my head,
following me back to bed,
telling me how to go about my life.
All the strife is disembodied
and thrown into the clouds."


Overall, it was not bad. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the review everyone. I did realize the rythm of it was a bit choppy but I just wrote from my heart and kept it as I made it without changing anything in particular.

So hey, what’s up...again! This piece has a majestic air to it; I really dig it. Like everyone said: the metaphor about the sun and moon is great. That is the strongest point in this poem (which you probably intended), and it’s soothing.