Who am I?

Who am I?
I am a girl
with poetry
pulsing through her veins
with eyes
that seek inspiration

Who am I?
I am your daughter
who hides her scars
tucks away the pain
in the deepest parts
of her cracked heart

Who am I?
I am your sister
with a secret
that’s burning a hole
in my very being
slowly breaking me down

Who am I?
I am your best friend
that is always smiling
who’s always been there
who’s always well minded
and always seems so strong

Who am I?
I am your girlfriend
that is afraid to fall in love
afraid to get closer
and always seems
just out of reach

Who am I?
I am your child
fighting with depression
with thoughts of suicide
that seems to be
the easiest way out

Who am I?
I am your student
that is always distracted
sleeping in class
fighting to keep up
but still falling behind

Who am I?
I am the girl beside you
silently begging for help
wishing you would see
that I need you
to keep me from falling away

Who am I?
I am you daughter
I am your sister
I am you best friend
I am your girlfriend
I am your child
I am your student
I am the girl beside you

Who am I?
I am the one
you could have saved
if you had looked
a little harder
and saw the real me

Wow, that is really good!

Who am I?
I am a girl
with poetry
pulsing through her veins
with eyes
that seek inspiration

That would make a bit more sense

Who am I?
I am the girl beside you
silently begging for help
wishing you would see
that I need your help
to keep me from falling away

It sounds wierd when you put these two helps so close to each other

Who am I?
I am the one
you could have saved
if you had looked
a little harder
and saw the real me

This ending, though slightly depressing, really addresses a growing issue nowadays.

You did a really good job with this, please, keep writing!

Hello ShauniRain! I'm Evi. Hope you're enjoying your time on YWS thus far. This critique is dedicated to Suzanne, who is unable to review you, although I'm sure she's here in spirit. You'll have to settle for me instead!

Honestly, this is probably the second-most clichéd poem topic out there, the first being heartbreak. "Who Am I?" is such a general question, analyzed millions of different ways by poets everywhere. And you've sort of incorporated aspects of the third-most clichéd poem topic out there: depressing angst. Even for Shakespeare it's difficult to make an enjoyable, original poem out of a recycled idea.

However, all hope is not lost! Despite the obvious disadvantages of having to work with an over-worked idea, you have expressed some creativity here. The image of "poetry pulsing through her veins" is really quite good, something I'd love to see explored and expanded instead of rushed past. What does that feel like? When she's hurt, does it drip out, slowly and laboriously with each word, or flow like a pen?

Unfortunately, I didn't see the same great images in the second through sixth stanzas. While I appreciate you tried something new with the different angles of a person, each angle is only a flash, too quick and shallow for us to appreciate that side of this character, and the language was too commonplace to mean much. The seventh stanza introduces something a little more interesting-- the feel that this girl is everywhere, is everyone, and is slipping away before everyone's eyes.

I feel like this is the idea you want to latch on to-- not the "who am I" part, but the "I am everywhere, everyone" idea. Right now you're labeling her as sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend-- but none of it is actual her. It's her relation to everyone else, which tells us very little about her. Focus on who she is and how she's falling through everyone's cracks. It's a more unique idea and will give you more opportunity for imagery and description. Remember, you want this to be pretty. Interesting phrases and fresh images. You want to paint a picture with your words. Use creativity!

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

You have a very good first verse here, and I'm going to have to agree with Evi in saying teenage angst/depression is a really hard poem to write because of the sheer multitude of other poems out there (speaking of Evi--I'm afraid this will be a short review, as she hit on mostly everything I wanted to say!)

Focus on imagery. How does this girl feel? If she tried to explain it, what would she liken it to? What metaphor would she use? (As Evi said, hmph) tell us why she seems to be falling through the cracks. What does she do to show this image of strength? Try to think about these things, and question yourself on the narrator of your poem.

Quite excellent work on this piece emotion and I feel that its true (meaning that you wrote this about yourself).
This bio-poem was a bit dark in its own light of course. Though I did find myself liking with every line!
Great work and I be sure to keep in eye out for my of your poetry!
-Dawn

Hey there!

Well my favourite thing about this poem is the structure. I actually quite liked your exploration of "Who Am I?" and I think because you did it in a way I haven't really been familiar with before, I was drawn to it quite early on. The only part of the exploration I didn't like was this bit:

Who am I?
I am you daughter
I am your sister
I am you best friend
I am your girlfriend
I am your child
I am your student
I am the girl beside you

Besides the line in bold, this just goes on and on. It's tiring and it's just a list. Also, because of the absence of punctuation, the whole thing reads with a horrid pace too. There's no commas to slow it down, there's just the repetition of the "I am" which feels like an attempt to shove it into my mind and keep it there. All I want to do is fight it back, you're not letting me take it in. Although, I do like the last line, because it feels a little more individual.

There's also stanzas which don't offer any imagery and just make it sound like we're listening to you giving up on things and I have to admit that isn't too original and it's a bit bland. Such as your stanza about suicide. It seems a little out of place as well as a little depressing and it doesn't really fair too well after the good first and fifth stanza.

Also, it's too long. You could take out atleast Stanza 2, 6 and 9 without really losing any effect...

Anyway, I hope this helped!
Ben

Hey Silent!

So I agree with Evi on the cliches. It actually annoyed me reading this, if I'm being honest. I truly hate it when I have to read the sorrowful, nobody-understands-me, I'm-so-hurt-inside-but-you-don't-know-because-I-don't-want-to-burden-you nonsense. Sorry, that is really blunt, but it's true. It's nonsense to me. It's very self-centered and one-sided.

Not to say that you are any of these, but the way you portray these things definitely rubs off the wrong way.

I can't really offer you any advice on this poem and how to improve it, because I don't feel that it would be worth it. I think it would be better off if you simply stopped writing things like this. Focus on the good things and forget the rest for now.