New Story

Prologue

I used to have a name. Back before any of this bullshit happened, I was Randall Blaine, just a normal fuckin’ kid doing normal fuckin’ shit. I’d drive around all weekend scoping out chicks, smokin’ weed like a fiend and throwin’ up my tag on every fuckin’ bathroom stall and overpass in town. “FUCK COPS” was what I’d usually write, but occasionally I’d switch it up by drawing a huge pair of tits, for good measure, or writing “W.L.G.”, which just stood for William Lloyd Garrison, a revolutionary writer from the 18th century. Even though I barely went to school, I always thought of becoming a journalist, telling the world about shit that’s fucked up. Even when I was little, writing seemed to be the only thing I was good at, unless you’d count getting abandoned by family members and using day-to-day objects to start fires as talents.
Yet, with all the practice I’d had in the field of arson, that wasn’t what got me in this shitty situation. Neither was the countless amount of CD’s I’d shoplifted, posers I’d made bleed, or pot I’d smoked and sold. Even the time I tried acid and ended up emptying my bowels in the church confessional didn’t amount to shit when compared to this whole mess. The most retarded part is that the things I just described actually happened. My years of adolescent drinking, stealing, and fighting were all real things; things I still have vivid and prideful memories of to this very day. The reason why I’m sitting rotting behind a fucking set of cold, iron bars with a cellmate named Molly who’s been staring at my ass since the first God damn moment I walked in here (I swear it!), is because of something I didn’t even fucking do.
If I was in this plane of living shit by my own fucking merit, then I’d flaunt my orange jumpsuit like it was a gold medal, and I’d tell my story with such glorification, such acute attention to detail, people would think I was describing a page out of the Book of Fucking Genesis. I’d be like, “Yeah man, you start to think hotwiring’s no big deal once you’ve done it 75 times” or “A pound might seem like a lot to you…”. If my story could sound anything remotely close to that, then I’d sit here in this concrete cage, rotting away while the rest of the world does the same thing with a big fucking smile on my face, because I’d know that at least I had fun.
Unfortunately, that ain’t the way things panned out, and my life parallels the events found in Revelations, not Genesis. The world as I knew it crumbles around me while I long for those late nights in Queens, with some fucking Anthrax in the radio and a brew in my hand; me and my friends on our way to the next party of the night, not giving a shit about anything but what was going on right then. I guess it was meant to be. I got no fucking home life, shitty ass grades, no girlfriend, I had a job, my dad fucking hates me…
What I was gonna end up doing anyway? I would have been here one way or another, it just sucks it had to be so soon. It seems that just as Jesus himself had been a martyr for his cause, I too was crucified by my own Pontius Pilate. I might not be nailed to a Cross, but this cell sucks pretty fucking bad, and my cause…I don’t know. I guess I’m just a martyr for shithead, burnout teenagers. I can sit here and bitch all I like, but I’m here now, guilty in the eyes of the establishment and trapped for four more years. Fuck. Guess I’d better go make friends with Molly.

Hola Tim! I am Esther and I will be reviewing you today.

PLOT: Well, well. This is an interesting premise. I certainly like the idea of a guy stuck in prison- a not perfect guy at that. I appreciate a good anti hero type. Since this is a prologue and not a first chapter, you should explain why the guy is here in the first place, but other than that, I don't have much comments until future chapters.

FLOW: I'm going to tell you something right now: You are pushing it with the curses. Curse words grate against the readers ear, and while I know you are trying to give a certain edge to the character, it really just sounds like you are trying too hard. How would you like it in a story if someone always spelled the main characters name in its full form and said the characters name eight times every paragraph? It would get annoying, right? The same goes with words like f*** and s***, because they are so harsh. Tone it down. Because this is a prologue, no other comments.

CHARACTER: He's an interesting guy, I admit. I don't like him at all though, so you just make us like him a little. Not make us LOVE him, but relate to him so readers will keep reading. There is no bigger turn off to a reader than an unlikable or unrelatable character. Sometimes he says some funny stuff though, and I like his edge. I'm interested in Molly, heh. I wonder if she'll keep on staring.

OVERALL: I liked this. The curse words are not to my taste or the average reader's though. Of course you can curse: This isn't a normal goody two shoes guy. Just don't grate. Make the MC more likable too. Other than that, keep it up.

-Esther

Hey there!

So I have to say that at first I was very surprised by this piece. I thought I'd skim it, maybe, possibly review it, but didn't really expect to be interested... well, boy was I wrong. You've got a great voice going for this character. I mean fan-freaking-tastic voice.I loved it. First person is very hard to pull off, but you certainly have the voice for it.

Though, I have to agree with Esther on the matter of curse words. I love cursing. It's awesome. It adds so much spice to the writing, but just like with baking, you put in too much of a good thing and it'll just taste bad. I would say, use the curse words sparingly. Your character may curse a lot and this could be a defining point of how he speaks, but you're still the writer, and you need to be aware of whether you're over using curse words because eventually it'll go from, "Oh, his character is just a potty mouth" to "This writer doesn't make the effort to actually write well, instead, he just loads us up with dirty words." Some think curse words in writing shows the lazy side of things, and I tend to agree, at least with prose. As far as dialogue - curse up a storm, for all I care. But with prose, you need to be careful and use it when it best fits. It's not just about flow, it's about making you seem like a reasonable, well skilled writer.

Now, to the actual content of your story. Like I said, I love your voice. Buuut I think you should cut this whole chapter. Why? Because nothing happens. You're just talking about him, what he usually does, that he's in prison (only tease at and, unless I misread, never explain why) and give us some details regarding him. Just because it's first person doesn't mean you can ignore all the important things about introducing characters, including that we don't know everything about them upon first meeting. Leave stuff open for learning as we go through the story. My more important point though - start with action! His voice will shine through no matter what you're writing about, but I really, sincerely think you need to start this with action. I don't know what action that would be - him getting arrested? something happening in jail - since I don't know the content of your plot/story. But you need to hook us. The voice was great, but about four paragraphs in I got bored because nothing was happening. There wasn't really any conflict, the character wasn't doing anything... nothing held onto me, apart from the voice. So, one down - but a few more points to go. Give us that hook, that action, and you'll have us for the rest of the story. Hopefully.

Again, awesome voice! I hope to see more of this, best of luck.

Esther,
Thank you for the review! I know the main character is not the most likeable guy at this point, but the anti-hero complex has always been my favorite, and I assure you as the later portions of this piece flow in the reader will begin to like him more and more and almost every teenager will be able to identify with him. The cursing, I don't know. I personally liked it, haha I was trying to write how people who are dirtbags (me) speak, but the readers are the one's reading, not me, so perhaps I'll tone it down. And as for Molly, well, Molly's a dude...a big dude who's been on the inside for a long time, with no one to hold him...not the best sitatuation for Randall. All in all, by the time this is done, Randall will not be anything like he is in the beginning of this piece, not anything even close, and the changes he goes through will have people rooting for him. Thank you for reviewing, be sure to check back in on this storyline though haha I need to know how people will think about it from beginning to end. Thank you!

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. Like I said, I love this so far and I do like the voice just like the review above said. You know, after I posted my review, it occured to me that Molly might be a guy, but I didn't go back and change it. Heh. That's me for you. Keep up the anti heroing. Can't wait for more. PM me when you put up the next part.

-Esther