The Death of a Nobody

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15484
Reviews 108
Chalk dust fills my nose and I sneeze, once, twice, glancing up only as the rumble of the UPS truck interrupts my artistry. Vibrant lines criss-cross my driveway: my building zone for the grand plans that I once had for my universe.

The man leans out of his brown and yellow truck, his youthful face drawn in an expression of pleasant confusion as he takes in the scene. A gangly, long-legged six-year-old sprawled happily on the sidewalk, tangled hair reaching to her back in a matted knot of curls.

“Um,” he begins politely, almost apologetically. “Are you [Shep]?”

I look at him, immediately distrustful and uncomprehending, until he holds it out to me. It’s a coconut, painted like an American flag. It has my address on it. My name.

I take it from him, and the weight is perfect for my small hands. I scamper into the house on bare feet that scatter gravel across my driveway.

“Daddy!” I yelp. “Daddy, Daddy, Captain Coconut sent me a present!”

My father smiles one of his soft, gentle smiles, taking the coconut and rolling it in his broad, weather-beaten hands. The fruit is rough under his soft palms and I reach out to take it from him, hugging it to my chest.

“How about that,” he says, mostly to himself.

It’s what I took to saying, when the phone would ring and I, in my gawky youth, would ask my uncle as many questions as I could. I crammed them into the space between answering the phone and bringing it to my father, as though the questions were my only link to my uncle across those hundreds of miles. “How about that!” I would say, in a piping, excited voice, as he recounted his adventures.

Once, he sent us hundreds of tiny pepper seeds, along with a scrawled promise that they were the next big thing. You could sell them, he said, for hundreds of dollars. My father wouldn’t plant them with me, but he set them in the basement with his old suit and wedding pictures.

Another time, when I was a young teenager, I pulled the tape from a package to reveal a long-sleeved shirt with a kokopeli on the front. The design was simplistic, but I could tell by the lettering that it was his. I cut the sleeves off and kept it hanging in my closet.

When I thought of him, I imagined that he was perpetually packing boxes, his broad, reddened shoulders heaving the items into the cardboard receptacle. He would shake his head, surveying the things that didn’t fit, exclaiming, “Well, I’ll have to put those in the next box.” And so he would, always addressing elements to each of us, even if he hadn’t seen us in years.

There was one week, in May, when he wasn't packing.

No, he was displaying his work—shirts scattered lovingly across a table somewhere in New Mexico. That was where he was living, most recently. He was living in his car, or else he had found the lucidity to care for an apartment.

My uncle was a manic-depressive, plagued by bouts of mania that sent him tearing across the country fits of half-blind euphoria. He would call us then, sounding drunk or disoriented in his excitement. But other times, my father would hang up the phone, shaking his head and looking at me sadly. We wondered sometimes, if we would be his last phone call. He could take his life, I knew, but my father disagreed.

Captain Coconut scored a booth at some important art show. A man there had taken a shine to him—to his enthusiasm and his painful sincerity. And so he would have sat, in flip-flops and a collared shirt that would be torn open halfway down to reveal a pale and tremulous chest. It jiggled when he laughed. They wouldn't have known that, I guess.

It was a complete success—he sold dozens of his beloved t-shirts. He was manic again, I knew, and he would be over the moon.

My father got a call a week after the show. The sun glistened through the window as he lifted the phone from the cradle and greeted the caller with his customary gruff “hello.” The voice on the other line twitched in slow, laborious speech. Drunk, I thought, or high. I rolled my eyes, trying to catch my father's gaze, but he was frozen.

His face was blank, slack, for a long time, but I could see his shoulders square, drawing his chest up and resisting the urge to sag downward as he listened. He nodded several times, as though the man could see his face—and I suddenly, viscerally wished that the caller could see what he’d done to my dad. He hung up without speaking and let out a long, slow breath.

“How about that,” he whispered to himself. He took an unsteady step back as his vision blurred and his throat tightened around the words. How about that.

R.I.P.
Paramedic
Writer
Crazy
Nije vas zahvatila druga kušnja osim ljudske. Ta vjeran je Bog: neæe pustiti da budete kušani preko svojih sila, nego æe s kušnjom dati i ishod da možete izdržati.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5033
Reviews 29
I honestly enjoyed the imagery in this and respected it but throughout the entire story I could help but wonder what was going on. Maybe I was reading it to fast. After a while it sounded to me like the father was a shirt salesman with a good design called Captain Coconut. And then there was the kid; the main charcter who told the story through [his/ her point of view]. I couldn't tell wether that chacter was a boy or a girl.

In the beginning of the story I was think that somebody was grabbing a coconut, which was painted like an american flag, from the mailman.

Overall:
I did like this. It was just lacking a bit.
"I know I can't slow down, I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no, there aint no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good." ---Cage the Elephant 'Ain't No Rest for the Wicked'




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5033
Reviews 29
I take that back. It wasn't lacking. It was just a bit confusing.
"I know I can't slow down, I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no, there aint no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good." ---Cage the Elephant 'Ain't No Rest for the Wicked'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15484
Reviews 108
Oh yay! A review! =)

I think I understand what you are saying. I did write it rather fast, and I can see where parts of it would be easy to stumble over, especially because of the interplay between all the characters. Since there isn't a lot of action, it would be hard not to get all tangled up.

The gender of the narrator (myself) is female, which would have been apparent if I hadn't cut out my name, there. Maybe I should make it clearer, like at the beginning?

As for the coconut--your impression is exactly what happened. Does it strike you as an odd thing to happen? Should I describe it in more detail?

Thank you!
Paramedic
Writer
Crazy
Nije vas zahvatila druga kušnja osim ljudske. Ta vjeran je Bog: neæe pustiti da budete kušani preko svojih sila, nego æe s kušnjom dati i ishod da možete izdržati.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5033
Reviews 29
Haha. Funny thing for the UPS guy to hand someone a coconut. Shouldn't it have been in a box for someone to open?
"I know I can't slow down, I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no, there aint no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good." ---Cage the Elephant 'Ain't No Rest for the Wicked'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15484
Reviews 108
Haha that was the cool part about it. It had the address painted on it and everything! I still have it on a shelf in my room =)
Paramedic
Writer
Crazy
Nije vas zahvatila druga kušnja osim ljudske. Ta vjeran je Bog: neæe pustiti da budete kušani preko svojih sila, nego æe s kušnjom dati i ishod da možete izdržati.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
I think I get this. Your uncle was a maniac-depressive, who after years of selling his t-shirts, "Captain Coconut" ended up dying. I'm sorry about that, if I'm right. =_( It was well written and saddened me, which is what you meant for it to do, so you got your point across.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3347
Reviews 36
I really like this--though the language is simplistic and clear, you convey all your emotions really well throughout the entire piece. Also, I think that your selection of certain scenes and pieces of information creates a really nice picture for us. We understand that you--as a little girl and later--look forward to various gifts your maniac depressive uncle sends you as he travels everywhere, selling his shirts. The gifts and the way you describe him paints a clear, saddening but at the same time hopeful, picture of him.
Also, the description of the way your father gets the news is really good--as is the fact that you don't state what happened out right, but simply end with 'RIP'.
The only thing I might change (this is really nit-picky) is when you write 'he had taken a shine to him'. rather, I'd say 'he'd taken a liking to him'. I feel like it sounds better, but it's really up to you.
'I didn't know that I could ever forgive him for everything he'd done to me. Now that I looked back on it, that he'd put a child through such torment seemed even worse. But right now, it wasn't him I was forgiving or thanking. It wasn't even about him.
I was forgiving myself.' -Speak Into Silence




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3740
Reviews 22
Descriptive and it's a great story. Keep on writing. I like it how you don't really say that he is gone, but instead, you end with "RIP". Very nice!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42906
Reviews 240
Hey, Shep.

I really liked this. It was so sad, sweet, and touching. Great imagery; the beginning made me smile. I love how you were able to show so much about your uncle through such a short piece and without saying anything totally straight-out. You make the reader feel like they almost know your uncle by the end. I also like, as penguin said, how you (as the writer) don't actually say that he died, but instead just R.I.P.

I would have liked if you gave the reader a vague idea of what age you were at when your uncle died, to give us more of a sense of time and how long the 'present giving' went on. I'm sorry about your uncle. :'(

But, other than that, I don't really have any critiques for you! Hope I helped. Keep up the good work-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor