Ellipsis

Ellipsis. 56 lincoln street, N.Y. My first gig in months. Me and kitt did all our gigs together.

12:43pm. I have finished.They loved her, except the woman in the teal dress. She was sat there all night with a single glass of whiskey. She was expressionless. Not a smile. Not a frown. This annoyed Kitt. She could be so tempramental. I left 2 minutes sfter the woman in the teal dress. She was stood outside leant against the wall of the club. Smoking. At the sight of me she threw her cigarette on the floor, turned and headed east. Expressionless. The smoke from the cigarette climbed the wall of the club. It was now 12:52 and i couldn't help but follow her.

Her heels clicked against the dark wet floor of the New York pavement. She turned right at fourth onto fifth. Past the strip club and the smokes shop. Kitt urged me to go on. She said she hated her the moment that she set eyes upon her, and i couldn't disagree with her. The women picked up her pace. The chase was on.

2 and a half blocks later and i was still following her. she stopped in the middle of the street and pivoted on her heel.

'will you just stop. Stop fucking following me with your stupid fucking saxaphone' She screamed. I looked puzzled, what did she meen saxaphone. She picked up on thaqt. She steeped catiously and carefully towards me and kitt. She placed her long fingers on Kitt's neck. I grabbed her wrist

' How dare you lay your god damn fingers on Kitt' I sneered 'Your a tramp and kitt and me dont need no messed up little sluts watching us' My grip tightened. She screamed. I gave her a jerk forward. It worked; her heels snapped, she fell, i pulled her wrist up her back and my free hand over her mouth and dragged her into a deep doorway. Kitt remained motionless.

' If you want to get out of here alive you will be quiet' I whispered. she fell silent. Her brown ringlet hair clung to my chest and her deep hazel eyes were full of water. Her teeth dug into my finger. I yelled and let go.



'Kitt is a fucking saxaphone. You freak' She yelled. Adreline surged through me; she was lying. Within seconds she was in my grasp again. Except this time with an arm tight around her neck. She started flailing like a fish out of water. i tightened my grip even more. She deserved it. 1:39, she went limp. She stopped flailing and her knee's caved. She was dead. Definitely dead.I layed her in the doorway. Her brown hair layed out behind her revealing all her face. Expressionless. Even in death she was a bitch. I grabbed Kitt and ran. Kitt started singing a old blues song as we passed the graveyard on our way back. They would never find us, kitt and me. Partners in music and oartners in crime. I headed west leaving behind me the women in the teal dress and all memory of her

Hello. This is my first review. (:
Starting out, there's a lot of spelling and grammar errors:

retrodisco666 wrote:Ellipsis. 56 Lincoln street, N.Y. My first gig in months. Me and Kitt did all our gigs together.

12:43pm. I have finished.They loved her, except the woman in the teal dress. She was sat there all night with a single glass of whiskey. She was expressionless. Not a smile. Not a frown. This annoyed Kitt. She could be so temperamental. I left two #FF0000 ">(In most cases, numbers ten and below are written out.) minutes after the woman in the teal dress. She was stood outside, leaning against the wall of the club. Smoking. At the sight of me she threw her cigarette on the floor, turned and headed east. #FF0000 ">Expressionless. The smoke from the cigarette climbed the wall of the club. It was now 12:52 and I couldn't help but follow her.

Her heels clicked against the dark wet floor of the New York pavement. She turned right at fourth onto fifth. Past the strip club and the smokes shop. #FF0000 ">Kitt urged me to go on. She said she hated her the moment that she set eyes upon her, and I couldn't disagree with her. The women picked up her pace. The chase was on.

Two and a half blocks later and I was still following her. She stopped in the middle of the street and pivoted on her heel.

'Will you just stop. Stop fucking following me with your stupid fucking saxaphone!' she screamed. #FF0000 ">I looked puzzled. What did she mean by saxaphone? She picked up on that. She stepped catiously and carefully towards #FF0000 ">me and Kitt. She placed her long fingers on Kitt's neck. I grabbed her wrist.

'How dare you lay your god damn fingers on Kitt,' I sneered 'You're a tramp and Kitt and me don't need no messed-up little sluts watching us!' My grip tightened. She screamed. I gave her a jerk forward. It worked; her heels snapped, she fell, I pulled her wrist up her back and my free hand over her mouth and dragged her into a deep doorway. Kitt remained motionless.

'If you want to get out of here alive you will be quiet,' I whispered. She fell silent. Her brown ringlet hair clung to my chest and her deep hazel eyes were full of water. Her teeth dug into my finger. I yelled and let go.



'Kitt is a fucking saxaphone. You freak!' She yelled. Adrenaline surged through me; #FF0000 ">she was lying. Within seconds she was in my grasp again, except this time with an arm tight around her neck. She started flailing #FF0000 ">like a fish out of water. I tightened my grip even more. She deserved it. 1:39, she went limp. She stopped flailing and her knees caved. She was dead. Definitely dead. I layed her in the doorway. Her brown hair #FF0000 ">layed out behind her, revealing all her face. #FF0000 ">Expressionless. Even in death she was a bitch. I grabbed Kitt and ran. Kitt started singing a old blues song as we passed the graveyard on our way back. They would never find us, Kitt and me. Partners in music and partners in crime. We headed west, leaving behind us the women in the teal dress and all memory of her.

#FF0000 ">Expressionless: You already described the woman as expressionless a few sentences before; I don't think you need to restate it.
#FF0000 ">Kitt urged me to go on: Nothing was said about where Kitt was directly before the narrator began following the woman. Maybe you could mention Kitt leaving the club behind the narrator?
#FF0000 ">I looked puzzled: It would make more sense to replace this wiith 'I was puzzled' or something like that - the narrator is puzzled, not just appearing puzzled.
#FF0000 ">me and Kitt: You use this phrase a lot in the story. It's okay to use once or twice because it's part of the narrator's dialect, but here it's sort of distracting from the action. I'd replace it with 'Kitt and me' instead, which is grammatically correct.
#FF0000 ">she was lying: I don't think what the woman was saying could really be considered a lie. It's more of just...crazy rambling.
#FF0000 ">like a fish out of water: It's a cliche and it feels out of place here.
#FF0000 ">layed: You used this word in the previous sentence; it's repetitive.
#FF0000 ">Expressionless: I actually like this. It's a bit eerie, the way the woman has come full circle from being expressionless at the club to being expressionless in death.

All in all, I think it's a good story - it reminds me of a film noir. It just needs some touching up, that's all. :3

Thank you for the advice, i will touch it up.

Although i think i will keep expressionless in. I think it needs to be.

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
There are a lot of spelling and punctuation errors in this piece, but looks like Pritt has taken care of everything so there is nothing really to correct but to add onto the previous review. I think that your writing shows a lot of potential. I liked how you described scenes and situations. But I will urge to next time read through your work before you submit it.
I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Ziggie

I enjoyed the thinking behind this piece, but what we have here is a pretty common scenario: Great creative thinking, interesting plot, but needs more attention to craft and structure.
Let me start out with what I liked. The part about Kitt being a saxapahone was really cool and a bit of a miniature twist; it made the main character, who I assume is a psychopathic, impulsive murderer, seem a little more dark and definetely more twisted. The overall plot of this piece was gripping and, as was said in an earlier comment, harkens back to the old film noir style of story. I can tell you know what you'd like to write and have all the major events and a shocker of an ending planned out, so do what is the hardest thing in writing and follow it through to the end .
Now that I've laid out the complimentary side of this review, here comes the criticism. I can tell that you want this character to be scary, outlandish, violent and psychotic. Unfortunately, telling what an author wanted to do with a character and actually seeing that an author accomplished that goal are two very different things. To make the narrator seem a bit more insane, get into his psychology more. You touched upon it with things like "She was lying" and ''We don't need two little sluts watching us play!"', but there needs to be more. Memories of childhood trauma, heartbreak and background will help tremendously here. Also, you have the perfect opportunity to turn this narrator into a mysogynistic visionary killer, as I can see here he (assuming it is a he) has something against slutty women and takes orders or at least advice from an inanimate object. Building up the character will make the reader sympathize and identify more with him/her, but with this opening scene of a random act of violence, I just thought to myself "Okay, so he kills women. So what?"
Also, I know a lot of novels/short storys like to open up with a snippet of something that happens later in the story; it's a tool I often use in my own writing. However, I don't know if it's the best course of action with this piece. Without knowing who or why the narrator kills this woman, I just see him killing her with little to no involvement or attatchment to him/her. I would go back further in the story, to the scene where the narrator and Kitt see the woman sitting at the bar. There was only a paragraph on what happened there, and with more perhaps the reader would feel more knowledgeable toward the narrators motives, and a nice descriptive paragraph about the setting could let them know a lot too. For instance, if the bar they're a in istotal dive, now the reader knows that this person isn't that big of a musician, and probably doesn't make a lot of money, which can also lead to the inference that they don't live in the nicest house in the best part of town. Also, maybe the introduction didn't need to get to the actual killing. Perhaps just ending the paragraph with some well-done foreshadowing, something like "I had been watching her all night, I didn't like the look of her. I knew something had to be done about this one..." then boom! comes the rest of the story, and when the main storyline catches up with that paragraph the reader is filled with suspense.
Basically, this story has potential. I know I said a lot of negative things about it. It wasn't terribly written, but the potential for improvement is all there. I know with a bit more time this story could turn into something great, and I really did enjoy a lot of things about it. The dark, eerie way it was told is something I had no criticisms for and should absolutely stay and resonate throughout this entire piece, just as it did in this portion of it. Good luck, and keep writing!

Thanks for the review.

I would just like to say the first word of this piece is ellipsis. Which means things are missing and feels like something is missing in sentences and what not. This is what was meant to happen with the piece. People aren't meant to know everything about the piece as sometimes when they don't and they come to their own conclusions it's a more satisfying read.

Just a thought.

What do people think thanks?