Legendary Party Prologue

In the complicated world of demon and heaven and human, on this beautiful day, two innocent babies had come into this world. This is their seventh lifetime, the most critical one. According to the both worlds, lovers who meet seven lifetimes is as good as a precious stone, their powers had the ability to destroy the whole world which both demons and heaven slayers wished to acquire for their own interest.

The baby boy's parents were dragon races who master fire and water and originate from the demon world but they turned their alliance to the heaven world due to the baby boy. His crying sounds make the dragon races re-consider their actions and finally, for thir repentance, they joined the heaven world. To reward the dragon races, the heaven world granted them human bodies so that they could appear in a human form.

The new born baby boy named Lan was sent by his parents to the human world to familiarise the environment. The purpose was to obtain detailed information for the heaven world to control the 3 worlds. They assigned a fairy named Qing Ling to bring the small Lan to some childless family.

As for the baby girl, she was born in the human world but because of her special powers that flashed out, her parents abandoned her. The demon king that was attracted by the baby girl's special powers brought her back to their realm. They discussed her future development, to be combined of which races, at last, they came to a final conclusion...Vampire, half vampire, half human. They made it as though the baby girl had only ¼ of the vampire blood such that the baby girl live and eat as a human while possessed vampires powers and her own.

Then, the demon king, Crue got her a little witch DuDu and was brought back to the human world. She was being bought up in a cruel and cold-blooded gangster family who got threatened by the demon world and for repayments, they promised to raise her. She was then named Huo.

17 years later...

Perhaps fate brought them together, because they studied in the same school which was named 'Mo Hum School' where they met other people and the journey of the legendary party starts...

Hello there! I'm Hawk and I'm here for a review.

Now, I think you've got an interesting start; it's certainly got me interested in reading the following chapters. However, it was rather difficult for me to read and comprehend just what was going on here. You give a lot of backstory in a very short amount of time and introduce concepts, worlds, characters, etc., in a way that makes it hard to absorb. I know this is a prologue, but there just seems to be a lot of infodumping.

Also, you change tenses quite a bit! For example, let's take a look at the first paragraph:

fruityminyi wrote:In the complicated world of demon and heaven and human, on this beautiful day, two innocent babies #FF0000 ">had come into this world. This is their seventh lifetime, the most critical one. According to the both worlds, lovers who meet seven lifetimes is as good as a precious stone, their powers #FF0000 ">had the ability to destroy the whole world which both demons and heaven slayers #FF0000 ">wished to acquire for their own interest.

The words in green denote the present tense; the red words are the past tense. You see how confusing that is, switching back and forth?

Also, the way you explain everything is a bit confusing and doesn't read quite as smoothly as it could. Let's take the next paragraph as an example.

The baby boy's parents were dragon races who master fire and water and originate from the demon world but they turned their alliance to the heaven world due to the baby boy. His crying sounds make the dragon races re-consider their actions and finally, for thir repentance, they joined the heaven world. To reward the dragon races, the heaven world granted them human bodies so that they could appear in a human form.

Now, let me show you how I would personally rewrite it (and this is just me!):

The baby boy's parents were of the dragon race; they controlled fire and water, and originated from the demon world. Once their son was born to them, however, they turned their alliance to the heavenly realm. The baby's crying sounds made the dragon race reconsider their actions and come to repentance, joining the heaven world. To reward the dragons, the heaven world granted them human bodies so they could appear in human form.

See how this is less disjointed and easier to understand? Also, it doesn't mix up tenses to potentially confuse the reader.


I hope this helps; keep up the good work, and you'll probably see me commenting on your other chapters. Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions!

Hello fruityminyi!

Well, you have an interesting concept here! I enjoyed reading this very much, and would be interested in seeing where you take this idea. The writing itself is quite good, I only have a few things I want to critique.

The purpose was to obtain detailed information for the heaven world to control the 3 worlds.

They made it as though the baby girl had only ¼ of the vampire blood such that the baby girl live and eat as a human while possessed vampires powers and her own.

Alright, both of these sections have the same problem. When writing, the rule is that any number under 100 should definitely be written out. So 3 would be three and 1/4 would be one fourth.

Like Ranger Hawk mentioned, the tenses change a bit in some of the paragraphs. That's easy enough to fix, a little rewriting can clear that up and make it look just lovey.

My last comment is on this bit of the prologue:

17 years later...

Perhaps fate brought them together, because they studied in the same school which was named 'Mo Hum School' where they met other people and the journey of the legendary party starts...

I would cut this part. The rest of it is great prologue material, but this blends too much into what I expect is the next chapter. The reader can pretty much guess as what will come next with this. Not telling the reader that the two will meet and big stuff will happen leaves a lot of suspense for the reader. Suspense is good.

My suggestion is to finish the prologue off just explaining the origins of these two children, and it will be great.

Good luck, and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions!

-Lauren-