Elle (Chapter 4, part two)

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Hey again! This is the second part of my fourth chapter, hope you like it! (:

Trenton stretched when the sun slowly started showing itself, reaching the ridge of the hills. He sat up straight, rubbing his eyes from the sleep and ruffled his hair to shake strands of grass out of it.

“Goodmorning.” I smiled.

Trenton yawned.

“Would you like something to eat? Drink?” I offered him some bread and water.

He grabbed both and took a large mouthful. After he finished, he said, “Thanks.”

I nodded.

“We should start moving again soon.” Trenton stood, still stiff from sleep.

I stood as well, making sure everything was packed right.

“We will continue traveling along the edge of the Teirre forest until we reach Alden. When we get there; we need to stay close; it’s a large city, a lot of servants station there.”

My hands shook from what dangers may await Trenton and I in Alden.

“Ready?” Trenton brought my attention back to him.

“Yes.”

Trenton quickly began making his way through the thick-trunk pine trees and brush. I followed intently, more graceful and quiet compared to his clumsy steps.

Above my head, I could hear the song birds sing a morning tune, their voices sweet like honey. I remembered that every morning, I would wake to this song, to the warmth of the fire that warmed my home. Through the midst of trees, squirrels began waking, their tiny paws scrambling against the bark of trees.

“Are you okay?” Trenton’s voice penetrated my mind.

I regained myself and said, “Yes, I’m fine. I was just listening to the forest.”

“You can do that?” Trenton looked surprised.

“Do what?”

“Able to hear the smallest things.”

“I always have. Is it not normal?”

“Only elves can listen so intently on the smallest things.” Trenton explained, “You must have gotten that ability from your mother.”

I didn’t answer; I had nothing to add.

As we continued walking, I focused my mind again on the things around me. Ever since I was on the run, I never really payed much of my attention to my surroundings.


The squirrels filled my sense of hearing, as well as the deer awakening. I would look up and see the bright colored birds skim over the branches, making me wish I could fly as they could.

“Let me go this instant! Release me!” a faint but familiar voice exclaimed in my head. I turned to where it was coming from. The voice kept echoing what it had said before. I stopped and listened more closely. The voice was too familiar, one that I had heard many times before.

“Grandmother!” I gasped. Almost simultaneously, I bolted for the direction of my grandmother’s voice.

“Elle...? Elle!” I could hear Trenton behind me, trying to keep up. I ignored him.

My feet barely touched the ground as I ran vigorously through the trees.

“Let me go!”

“Grandmother!” I nearly screamed. My breathing sped up.

Just ahead, the greenery opened up into a dirt road that wasn't mantained. Down the road, I saw a old wagon that was worn down to splinters. Servants were monitoring it, making sure my grandmother didn't escape. I had to reach it.

From my short pause, Trenton caught up with me. Just as I was about to run after the wagon, I was tackled to the ground in a heap. I could feel thorns tearing at my dress.

“I have to save her, I have to!” I wriggled under Trenton’s mass.

“No, it’s too risky; they could kill you!” Trenton held down my shoulders.

I began wailing, crying for him to get off of me. I tried to shove him off, but didn’t succeed. Then, not thinking completely clear, I instinctively formed a pocket of air and pushed it at Trenton. Instantly, I felt his weight being lifted off. I scrambled onto my feet and tried to run again with no prevail. Trenton was on me again, but this time, we were on the dirt road.

“You are not going after them; they will kill you and your grandmother,” Trenton said into my ear.

With tears forming a small puddle under my eye in the dirt, I went limp. It was no use; everything Trenton said was true. I would be killed, same for my grandmother. When I calmed down, Trenton got off of me and helped me to my feet.

“I’m sorry.” I shuddered, “My grandmother... she was in the wagon.”

“We should get off the road.” Trenton hooked his arm around me, so that I was more stable. “Come on.”

I wiped my eyes to see more clearly and looked down the road. In the distance, I could see the wagon slowly disappearing, my grandmother with it.
Last edited by kr1117 on Wed Jul 07, 2010 8:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Katie ^-^




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Hi, kr1117, I'm bluewaterlily and I will be reviewing your story today.
red=corrections
blue=comments

“We will continue traveling along the edge of the Teirre forest until we reach Alden. When we get there, we need to stay close, it’s a large city, a lot of servants station there.”

Change these commas to semicolons.

I handed Trenton, my hands shaking from thinking about the city Alden that I will be traveling through.
What did Elle hand Trenton? Also, readers already know that Elle will be traveling through Alden and that Alden is a city. Maybe you should reword it like... my hands shaking from what dangers may await Trenton and I in Alden.

Above my head, I could hear the song birds sing a morning tune, their voices like honey; sweet.
That semicolon is supposed to be a comma. Also, personally, I would reword the last part of the sentence like... their voices sweet like honey.

I didn’t answer, I had nothing to add.
Change that comma to a semicolon.

The squirrels filled my sense of hearing, as well as th deer awaking.
Add an e to the. And awaking would be better as awakening.

I would look up and see the bright colored birds skim over the branches, making me wish I could fly as they can.
You need to change can to could so it will be the proper tense.

“Let me go this instant! Release me!” A familiar voice whispered in my head.
A should be lowercase. And whispered isn`t exactly the right word. This would sound better: "Let me go this instant! Release me!” a faint but familiar voice exclaimed in my head.

The voice was to familiar, one that I had heard many times before.
Wrong to; it should be too.

“Grandmother.” I gasped.
This period should be a exclamation mark.

Almost simultaneously, I bolted for the direction my grandmother’s voice.
It should be for the direction of my...

My breathing speeding up.
Speeding should be sped.

Just ahead, the greenery opened up into a dirt road that wasn’t taken cared of.
This last part was confusing.

I have to reach it.
have is supposed to be had.

“I have to save her, I have too!” I wriggled under Trenton’s mass.
Wrong too. It should be to.

“No, it’s too risky, they could kill you!” Trenton pinned me down.
This comma is suppose to be a semicolon. You don't need the sentence highlighted in blue; readers already know Trenton pinned her down.

Then, not thinking completely clear, I Moved a pocket of air under him so that I would be free.
Moved needs to be lowercase and there should be a comma between him and so. Also, this sentence didn't make sense. Was Elle using magic?

“You are not going after them, they will kill you and your grandmother.” Trenton said into my ear.
Again , the comma needs to be a semicolon, and that period needs to be a comma.

It was no use, everything Trenton said was true.
That comma should be a semicolon.

“I’m sorry,” I shuddered, “My grandmother... she was in the wagon.”
Change that comma to a period.

“We should get off the road,” Trenton hooked his arm around me so that I was more stable, “Come on.”
Both commas are supposed to be periods. Also, there should be a comma after me and before so.

I wiped my eyes to see more clearly, and looked down the road.
No comma is needed.

In the distance, I could see the wagon slowly disappear, my grandmother with it.
This sentence would be better if you added ing to disappear.

Overall: This story seems interesting and shows a lot of potential. However, I think the beginning could use a little bit of work. It seemed like Trenton was ignoring Elle in the beginning. I don't know, their reactions to each other in the beginning of the story didn't seem right. I also think you could be a little more descriptive with your setting. You had several punctuation errors and trouble with a few ing verbs and tenses. Other than that, this story seems interesting, and I look forward to reading more. :)
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden



We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain