The Hospital Road

57 years ago, he was really happy with the news that his wife was going to give birth to his child. He was young then. That is what people told me, I was not there, I born 35yrs later after his painful story.

And his biggest dream came true; I remember quite well, he lived in flat no.013 in the building next to our street. His child born, he and his wife were coming back to their house when that accident took place, a road accident of a car with a bus. They were passing from the Hospital Road when his dream was lost forever. He and his wife had to be hospitalized for 2 weeks, they came back home, but they lost their child.

After a year his wife also died, because she wanted her child, but nature never returns anything which it takes back once.

After death of his wife, he knew that he should learn to live alone. But his heart was broken and all his love for children was overflowing.

Years passed, and then came I, people told us about his story. My mother showed some sympathy but I was always hatred of him (and I was wrong).

My brother loved him so much that daily after his school he went for his apartment. My brother was not alone, other children also liked him, may be because he loved children.

When I was 20 my hatred for him was increased. I thought that, he captured my brother’s whole childhood; he has also grown up but still loves him, however, now he visited him less.

My mother worked as baby sitter, but children liked him more than my mother.

I had no father so my mother was free (or she carried heavy chains of aloneness inside).

Till then, he became old like his apartment, most of people left that but he refused to leave that house in which his wife died. But children still went there to meet him.

One day, my mother went to him, they were friends. At that time I was also grown up and realized his feelings, now I also wanted to show sympathy for him. I also went there to meet him.

He said only a few words to me which I remember well; he said, “You are a nice girl, your brother came to me, he told me about you.” and showed a smile. His words and expressions delighted me.

Then it was my mother’s turn, but today she was a bit different. She said him, “You are old now, and this building is too. Now, you should leave this building, anything can happen here, especially when children visit you.”

But this ignited his anger and he refused again. My mother tried to convince him but he didn’t agree.

Next day, I went their alone, he was leaving the house.

I was happy that he understood, but his conversation with me changed this thought.

“Now, uncle! Where are you going?”

“To die.” He replied.

“But”, I was shocked.

“That is what others wanted?” he said.

I tried to talk to him but he didn’t reply.

“If I would get another life and I had to born again I would like to born in your house.”

I shouted on his back but he didn’t listened.

That is what happened last week. But I was shocked when yesterday I got that news. He was passing from the Hospital Road when he died in another car accident.

That Hospital Road, saved many lives, but destroyed his.

I'm going to review this piece-by-piece because there are some grammatical errors here. My suggestions are in bold!

57 years ago, he was really happy with the news that his wife is going to give birth to his child. He was young then. That is what people told me, I was not there, I was born 35yrs years later after? following? this incident.

I would suggest spelling out the numbers, simply because it's a very short opening paragraph and it might be worth it to help the reader get into the rhythm of your story. I know that this is distanced by design--this first paragraph--but I really think you need to make your vocabulary a little more sophisticated and draw the reader in a little bit more. The "really happy" could be replaced by something more in-depth, something more colorful to connect you with this man.

And his biggest dream came true; I remember quite well, he lived in flat no.013 don't abbreviate this it just seems clipped in the building next to our street. His child born, he and his wife were coming back to their house when that accident took place, a road accident of a car with a bus. this last clause seems really awkward to me, it just doesn't flow and it is not very imaginative They were passing from the Hospital Road when his dream was lost forever. He and his wife had to be hospitalized for 2 spell out? weeks, they came back home, but they lost their child.

Wait, first your narrator wasn't born until 37 years later, and now he remembers? Maybe he remembers hearing about it?

This paragraph is very simplistic. There is very little emotion here for the reader to build upon or feed into. Definitely add in some more vibrant description or overhaul the short sentences and clauses that make this seem so detatched.

After a year his wife also died, because she wanted her child, but nature never returns anything which it takes back once.

This is nice, and I think if you tweak the paragraph prior to this one it could be much more effective.

After death of his wife, he knew that he should learn to live alone. But his heart was broken and all his love for children was overflowing.

The love for children part confuses me a little. We don't have enough of an idea of this man's character for this aspect of his personality to make sense. Because of this, it seems almost counterintuitive that he would feel this way. We think to ourselves, "wouldn't he avoid children, after losing his own?" We get no sense of his grief here.

Years passed, and then came I, this is a weird transition, and it seems like a list. maybe reword it? people told us about his story. My mother showed some sympathy but I was always hatred of him ? I always hated him? (and I was wrong).

Again, this is a little skeletal. Why did the narrator hate him so much? He was an old man, what was there to hate?

My brother loved him so much that daily after his school he went for his apartment. My brother was not alone, other children also liked him, may be because he loved children.[/b]

Here's the loving children bit again. You have told us that he liked kids, but you need to show us, instead of repeating yourself. What did he do that made the love something mutual?

When I was 20 my hatred for him was increased. I thought that, he captured my brother’s whole childhood; he has also grown up but still loves him, however, now he visited him less.

You're switching tenses here, try to stay in the past tense. And once more, your narrator has this deep, seemingly unjustified hatred for a man who seems to have done nothing to deserve it. What's more, early in your narrative the speaker has shown no emotion either way. It's a little disorienting for the reader.

My mother worked as baby sitter, but children liked him more than my mother.

? This seems unnecessary unless you are going to use it for some purpose.

I had no father so my mother was free (or she carried heavy chains of aloneness inside).

Um. To put this lightly, the way this is worded makes your meaning get tangled (the "free" bit). Try and use some more complex diction to help the reader understand.

Until, since you haven't changed your word construction up to nowTill then, he became old like his apartment, most of people left that but he refused to leave that house in which his wife died. But children still went there to meet him.

I'm not even sure until is the right word here. Maybe from then on? And this makes him sound a little perverted, like children have an unhealthy interest in him or vice-versa.

One day, my mother went to him, they were friends. At that time I was also grown up and realized his feelings, now I also wanted to show sympathy for him. I also went there to meet him.

I understand the temptation to use short paragraphs, but because your writing (at this stage) is so bare, it makes everything feel chopped up and unemotional. Here, you haven't even explained what happened. It's very vague, like she went and spoke with him and now they are very close. It isn't the way relationships happen. And what feelings? It seems all along that he has been without them.

He said only a few words to me which I remember well; he said, “You are a nice girl, your brother came to me, he told me about you.” and showed a smile. His words and expressions delighted me.

Elaborate here...

Then it was my mother’s turn, but today she was a bit different. She said him, “You are old now, and this building is too. Now, you should leave this building, anything can happen here, especially when children visit you.”

Why would she say this? Why would she care? Don't use today if you can help it.

But this ignited his anger and he refused again. My mother tried to convince him but he didn’t agree.

Again? Why is he angry? He hardly knows this woman (it seems to the reader) and now he's upset at her for suggesting something which (to the reader) seems out of the blue.

Next day, I went their there alone, he was leaving the house.

[qupte]I was happy that he understood, but his conversation with me changed this thought.[/quote]

Understood what?

“Now, uncle! Uncle Where are you going?”

Whoa, uncle? Is this literal? Are they related? We should know that.

“To die.” He replied. "To die," he replied

“But”, I was shocked. "But--" I was shocked.

“That is what others wanted?” he said.

I thought you said people adored him. Get rid of the question mark! It isn't a question!

I tried to talk to him but he didn’t reply.

“If I would get another life and I had to born again I would like to born in your house.”

Now I am confused as to who's talking. The above section, about trying to talk to him, breaks up the rhythm.

I shouted on his back but he didn’t listened.

Should be "I shouted at his back but he didn't listen."

That is what happened last week. But I was shocked when yesterday I got that news. He was passing from the Hospital Road when he died in another car accident.

This seems so trite to me, and I am confused. Why is the narrator shocked? The man told him he was going to die, and he did.

That Hospital Road, saved many lives, but destroyed his.

I think you should clarify how it has saved lives, because we don't seem to get that impression. Our only exposure to the Hospital Road is the damage it has done to this man's family.

With a little work, I think you have a good story here. The concept is interesting, and if you keep yourself from rushing it has definite potential!

Hey Chetan. Going by your name I think you're an Indian and so am I. I get excited when I see any Indian on this site which is rare. There is Lava also here from CHennnai. I think I am boring you.

That is what people told me, I was not there, I was born 35yrs later this incident.

Even though after adding 'was' there this sentence becomes fine, I would like you to make this more interesting and funny. You could use like: I came into the world thirty-five years later. And also you don't write abbrevations in a literary piece. I hope you register this in your mind.

And his biggest dream came true; I remember quite well, he lived in flat No.013 in the building next to our street.

Okay so here I would like you to remove the semi-colon and put a fullstop instead because semi-colon seems pointless and it would be a lot better if you put a full-stop. A semi-colon is generally put when the later part is going to be related to the part befpre emi-colon. But here I don't think so is the case.

When his child was born, he and his wife were coming back to their house when that accident took place, a road accident of a car with a bus

He and his wife had to be hospitalized for 2 weeks, they came back home, but they lost their child.

In a literary piece you never use digit to show the numeric value. Instead you write the number name. Writing digit is only accetable when you want to express time, in some cases year or weight.

After a year his wife also died, because she wanted her child, but nature never returns anything which it takes back once.

For the firt time, I am sorry to say, I thought of you as a writer. Earlier your story seemed ike a person was narrating something plainly. There was no writer's feel to it. But I liked the 'nture' thing you did here. Taht was quite creative and nice.

Years passed, and then came I, people told us about his story. My mother showed some sympathy but I was always hatred of him (and I was wrong).

I found this paragraph really boring. Show not tell. Expand it a bit, make his emotions more visible to us.

Then it was my mother’s turn, but today she was a bit different. She said him, “You are old now, and this building is too. Now, you should leave this building, anything can happen here, especially when children visit you.” .

When you ahve once put the fullstop before the quotaton amrk end then after that there is no need of putting another. And aslo why is it more dangerous if the children come? Is the house kutcha? What is it really? Tell us.

I shouted on his back but he didn’t listened.

First of alll when you use 'did', you do not use verb of the third form. It's big big crime. Like it should be listen.
For eg: I didn't speak to her for the next twenty minutes.
She didn't come that day to visit her.
See that I used first form of the verb with 'did'.

Also, why did she shout at his back? Isn't this the time where she should be melted and should cry for the man, for his loneliness.

That Hospital Road, saved many lives, but destroyed his.

I agree with Shepherd that you should have made this more understandable. How i saved others? Is it because it povided them wiht a hopital. Also the story's name is Hosputal Road and it is mainly centered around it, so describe this road more. How it looked? Did it have plants, flowers or what? How was the setting? Where exactly it was located?

This story seemed a lot rushed ot me. It had a lot of potential and this could have been witten shpwing more pain, more sympathy and what not. But you didn't do anything. For a reader, and especially a one like me, the setting of the place, he culture, the country holds great importance which you weren't ab;e to deliver to us. It would be great if you ould work on the above points.

I think you're a beginner writer and are not familiar much with writitng. i advice you to read good novels by great writers to improve your writitng skill and vocabulary.
And until the old man didn't sy anything to he speaker I thought she was a boy, aminly because you didn't use any thing to describe her or her feelings and your name is also that of a male. It could only be me.

You may wanna consider it to convert into a novel so that you could flesh it out more.

HAve a nie time and you could PM me after you edit it and revise it, I would be glad to help you out.

~Shubhi

Thank you everybody you helped me a lot on this story. Thank you very much, really I never thought that I would get this much help.

@shubhiloves2write: You were not boring me but you rather helped me. Thank you very much.

@Shepherd: Thank you very much, I will keep these your points in mind while re-writing this story. Thank you very much.

This story seems a little awkward, I like the idea but the way some sentences fit together was just confusing and random. Hope you keep trying and good luck

VioletJune wrote:This story seems a little awkward, I like the idea but the way some sentences fit together was just confusing and random. Hope you keep trying and good luck

I understand what you are saying. I made a lot of mistakes when I was writing this story. I will edit it as soon as I get time.