Twenty Years

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Twenty years ago I ran.
It was my birthday: eighteen, summer.
It was ninety-eight degrees and none of us had air conditioning. So we went out to the movies. About two-thirds of the way through the movie I ducked out to use the bathroom and just kept going.
When I hit the highway I realized someone would call soon. Someone would be looking for me. I threw the phone out of the window. It hit the dirt somewhere by the side of the 58 and I haven’t heard from it since.
I stopped at some shitty motel in the middle of the desert and slept.
---
I knew this kid in high school. He had a dog named Harry. Got drunk a few times and called him up. I always ended up telling memories around the cigarette in my mouth. He always listened as long as I talked.
Funny thing, he wasn’t in a whole lot of my stories.

I gave him my address once. Used to get birthday cards from him every few years or so, stuffed animals every Christmas. I never told him how much I hate the god-awful things. Take up a whole lot of room and don’t serve any real purpose. But it’s what he did. Since sophomore year.
I moved a few times since then. Never get anymore mail. I never left a forwarding address. Makes it harder for people to find me.
---
It’s July again. Been twenty of ‘em since I left.
My baby girl is twenty years old. She’s seen twenty years of daddy since mommy left her behind.
Sometimes I wonder what she looks like now. Not a whole lot, but I wonder if she ever grew into those ears of hers. Wonder whether her toes ever started looking like mine, what her teeth grew out like. Sometimes I wonder what her daddy told her about me.
She never looked much like me, anyway.
---
Summer evenings always make me melancholy.
Where I’m living now, the summers get damn hot. Reminds me of where I came from. Got hot as hell in the summers.

It’s the eighteenth. Twenty years ago today is when I revved the engine in the fading light, sweat already forming a thin film on my face and neck from the walk through the parking lot. I remember the waves coming off the asphalt.
---
In high school we used to skip school to buy dollar ice-cream cones and shop at thrift stores. We got to using our lunch money for secondhand belts, old cameras. Books that smelt of nutmeg. Every once in a while we’d go out for lunch at some cheap Chinese place or other, wearing used sunglasses and jackets, threadbare and torn at the elbows. We used to steal salt shakers for the hell of it.
We ate lunch with History teachers at school. Told them all about the rules we’d broken, how we’d gotten kicked out of church, had walked right out of the front office, chatted with security before going off-campus without any kind of permission. We were in the business of fake hall passes and call slips. We reveled in the lies we told.
I don’t really remember much else but that last year.
---
He kissed me once, you know.
The one I told you about before. Kissed me after school, right on the mouth.
Told me he’d wanted to do that for two and a half years and just walked away.
I was seven months pregnant with someone else’s baby, someone I’d been seeing for over a year.
It was three months before graduation. He was my best friend.
---
I woke up a few mornings ago and stared at my hands, scarred and calloused like a man’s.
I used to be smart. Still am. Looking at my hands you’d never know it. Covered in marks from years of doing the kinds of jobs you try to avoid by going to school.
I was going to be an English professor. Once.
I put the coffee on and walked outside to check the mail.

I never get anything important anymore. No more stuffed animals. All the same I get up every morning and look inside the mailbox. It’s usually empty. The sidewalk felt cool on my bare feet.
There were a couple things inside the mailbox. There’s always someone trying to sell you something. At the back of the bundle was a little envelope, the kind you send letters in. I don’t know how he found me. Thinking about it now, I guess he didn’t.
Inside the little envelope is a card. It’s an invitation
---
Twenty years ago today.
I’m a hundred miles away form the town I grew up in.
A hundred miles away from the train tracks that run down Truxtun, the crumbling houses I always wanted to live in. I’m a hundred miles away from the park where I once sat and cried for ten minutes over a dead cat because I knew no one would bury it. A hundred miles away from the pocket knife I deep in the earth of my backyard, the blade that left these scars across my thighs. A hundred miles away from the closet I sat in, worrying about whether anyone would notice tomorrow, my forearms riddled with bruised impressions of my own teeth.
I’m a hundred miles away and I can still feel it pressing against me. Every second of every day.
---
I remember everything I left behind. And there’s a card on my table that’s inviting me to come back, a card that marks twenty years since I graduated high school.
I have never gone back. I promised myself I would never go back.
---
He told me he loved me.
He said he wanted me to be happy, told me he knew I wasn’t going to leave for him, told me he understood. I was his first kiss.

I told him everything.

We never did anything about it, never told a soul. I still think about him. Every day, without fail. Every night, without fail.
Neither one of us expected to make it this far, never expected to be alive this long. We never though we’d celebrate all of these thirty-seven birthdays. Thirty-eight for me, but his birthday is in November. The fourteenth.
That was why he sent me birthday cards. Because we were one in the same, two people living beyond our capacity. The cards were a way of pointing out the fact that we’d each made it a few more years. Neither of us had given in to that reckless streak that haunted us every time we were alone.
---
When I was a sophomore, we were assigned a Robert Frost poem in English class. I fixated on it. We were meant to interpret “Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening.”
I was the only one who hypothesized that the poem was about suicide.
---
The night I got the invitation I got drunk. I called him again. A woman answered, I don’t know who she was to him. I asked to speak to him. She told me he had passed away.
I drove to the town he lived in, stopping only at roadside bars full of men with lecherous teeth.
I drove to the library, a woman in a dusty pickup obviously drunk at two in the afternoon. I asked to see the newspaper catalogues. I looked up his obituaries. He hadn’t made it to thirty-eight. Walked into the woods with a shotgun and never walked back out.
---
I’ve been thinking a lot about the woman who answered the phone. It had never occurred to me that he might have found someone else. I never considered that he had a wife, kids, friends who came over to watch the game on weekends. Not once.
I was afraid that it meant he’d forgotten about me, afraid that I had thought about him all the time and he loved these other people, these frauds.

They don’t love you like I love you.
---
He sent me the invitation the day before. It took a few days for the mail people to figure out it was supposed to be sent to me. They found me with a change of address filed at the DMV.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t getting them; he had stopped sending birthday cards at all. He had stopped sending me stuffed animals. I should have known the empty mailbox meant something.
---
I’m not going to the reunion, but I am going back.
There are things I left there that I’ll never get back. There are people who will never see me again.
I left a piece of my flesh there. A daughter who will never know me. I’ve never seen her. Bet she’s beautiful.
A promise is a promise. But I think when the person you promised says it’s OK you can take it back. I say it’s OK to go back. Just this once. Because I promised him something else.
---
It’s early evening. I park the car.
There are no more miles to travel, no more reason not to sleep.
It never snows in Bakersfield.
Last edited by bigwordsarecool on Tue Jun 22, 2010 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello Big Words! So, right off the bat, I had two little nitpicks.

And there’s a card on my table that’s inviting me to come back, a card that marks twenty years since I graduated from high school.


From is just one of those little words that might end up getting left out accidentally. But we do need them.

I’ve never seen her. Bet she’s beautiful.


This is more of a recommendation but I think this might sound better if you combine these two sentences. I love that you used shorter sentences, which gives a sentence more impact, but merging these two might sound better. Not only that, but the second one is a fragment anyways.


Still, this is a beautiful story. It’s filled with very specific emotions, a lot of which I can understand. I can’t really find many flaws with this. For a story of this format, which is one that can be difficult to pull off, it is really a good one.
Good job!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hey,
This is one very amazing piece of work you have got here, and I think once spit shined it'll be unbelievably perfect. At some areas it felt as though you told us too much, but other than that I don't have any thing negative to say. You are an amazing writer. keep up the fantastic work!

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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Thank you both for your comments.
That word skipping was intentional, not that I specifically wanted to NOT say "that," it's just that the sentence was meant to be as written.
What did you guys think of the structure? Because I feel like it was almost too much at times, but one of you did say I pulled it off fairly well.
Thanks again :D




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I like the word skipping--I think it lends the story a clipped, guarded air which would otherwise be missing. I really do like this story. It's very well put together, and it has a very distinctive tone to it.

The only thing that I got hung up on was at the very beginning. When you talk about running, when the main character takes off from the movie theater, I assumed from lack of reference that you were being literal. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, and the reader could revise his impression later when it becomes apparent that your narrator is in a car. However, I was still pretty disoriented when she mentioned throwing the phone out the window. I just wasn't picturing it.

That was the only bit that was disjointed to me. The rest, I thought, was masterfully done!

Good work!
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Thank you so much. I'm glad you understood the tone, it means I conveyed what I meant to. As for the beginning there actually WAS a part detailing the walk through the parking lot which I cut for some reason that I can't remember, but do you think that would be an appropriate enough transition? That way you follow the narrating character's movements up to the car and then move on to the highway part.




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Yep, I think that would probably be helpful. Barring that (if you add it and suddenly remember why you deleted it!) I think just one or two words indicating that your narrator is in a car would be fine. =)
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Nije vas zahvatila druga kušnja osim ljudske. Ta vjeran je Bog: neæe pustiti da budete kušani preko svojih sila, nego æe s kušnjom dati i ishod da možete izdržati.




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Oh. Wow. First things first - this is going in my list of forever YWS favourites. I knew that it was a winner from the opening lines, from the first paragraphs. The pared back descriptions, the clear-cut words and the twisting storyline, the intellectual battle I had to go through to understand this (I read it three times; the first time because it was brilliant, the second to figure out the story, which made it all the more brilliant, and the third to enjoy it all the more), the absolute attention paid to every word, every detail in this: these all contributed to a tightly crafted story. It leaves little up for debate; it tells an original tale in an original manner. We can't really ask for more.

The pacing is wonderful. The flashbacks add to the complexity of the plot, add to the view of the character, but also require a level of concentration I daresay would be hard to find in the average reader. At first, I had trouble figuring out whether the narrator was male or female. On second reading, it was blatantly obvious. The actual events also confused me first time. But I [i[liked[/i] that, for some reason. Instead of making the work come across as half-baked and in shambles, it elevated your style, it added to the mystery, the drama, the focus with which the reader would have to put the pieces together. It put you in control of us.

Any issues I'm going to point out are minor. You've established that you know what you're doing, clearly, so these were just small things that I noticed on third read, that might be slightly cleaner:

He had a dog named Harry.


This guy, who kisses the MC, the one who's also her best friend - you never name him. Alright, I can see the literary reasons for that - a bit more mystery, a bit more distance. But why on earth do you name his dog? That detail is meaningless - moreover, I associate the guy with his dog and hence his name with Harry in one great big jumble. Remove it, snip it, change it. Don't mention the name of someone/thing so closely related to her lover, if you're not going to mention his name. It adds an unecessary detail, lacks the finesse of the rest of the piece.

god-awful


Do we need this word in that line? 'I never told him how much I hated them,' works fine for me. Firstly, the word is 'godawful' (one word, I'm pretty certain). Secondly, it's a space filler.

Summer evenings always make me melancholy.

Where I’m living now, the summers get damn hot. Reminds me of where I came from. Got hot as hell in the summers.


Do you want to repeat the word 'summers' within the space of so few lines?

I was going to be an English professor. Once.


The 'once' is redundant.

I never get anything important anymore. No more stuffed animals. All the same I get up every morning and look inside the mailbox.


She's moved a few times since her first address, right? And she left no forwarding address. So why would the idea od getting stuffed animals even cross her mind?

Twenty years ago today.

I’m a hundred miles away form the town I grew up in.

A hundred miles away from the train tracks that run down Truxtun, the crumbling houses I always wanted to live in. I’m a hundred miles away from the park where I once sat and cried for ten minutes over a dead cat because I knew no one would bury it. A hundred miles away from the pocket knife I deep in the earth of my backyard, the blade that left these scars across my thighs. A hundred miles away from the closet I sat in, worrying about whether anyone would notice tomorrow, my forearms riddled with bruised impressions of my own teeth.

I’m a hundred miles away and I can still feel it pressing against me. Every second of every day.


This was excessive. Repetition was overboard, and I would say that the feeling of 'I-can't-stop-thinking-about-what-I've-done' is stark, is sharply clear from the rest of the story. This above bit does not add to that well. You could cut the lot, and it would make no difference to my perception of the character's preoccupation with her past actions. At the very least, the last two lines have got to go. Too melodramatic for so subtle and sophisticated a character.

That was why he sent me birthday cards. Because we were one in the same, two people living beyond our capacity. The cards were a way of pointing out the fact that we’d each made it a few more years. Neither of us had given in to that reckless streak that haunted us every time we were alone.


'One AND the same'? Is that what you meant? Also, this is just a question out of curiosity - here's what I have assembled from the story: she was pregnant with her boyfriend's son, someone she'd been seeing for over a year. Then, she finds out her best friend loves her. She gives birth, then runs away, leaving her old boyfriend with her daughter. She keeps in touch with her best friend, who writes to her, sends her presents. Here's the question: why didn't she run away with her best friend? And did she not love her boyfriend?

A promise is a promise. But I think when the person you promised says it’s OK you can take it back. I say it’s OK to go back. Just this once. Because I promised him something else.


What was the promise? Who was it made to? What was the 'something else' promise? Who let her take it back?


Last notes - once again, I enjoyed this. I rarely do this, but I think it so well written that I would encourage you to enter it into some kind of publication, a lit mag, a competition. Share it with the world beyond YWS and all :D.

PM me if you have questions. I'll be looking at your other pieces sometime as well.




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Navita, I really REALLY appreciate the fact that you'd take so much time to read it not just once but THREE times AND include a break-down of flaws you found. Seriously - I love that you did that for someone you don't even know. Thanks for that.

As for including the dog's name and not the best friend's, I wanted it to seem like the narrator was intentionally holding back the name of the best friend. Almost like she let it slip without realizing that it would seem conspicuous considering she never names the best friend. Also, it's kind of a stream-of-consciousness thing, which goes hand-in-hand with the "letting it slip" thing, because the story is told just how she thinks and the dog's name is one of those details that you just happen to remember about someone from your past when you're thinking about them.

I feel like removing the word God-awful (which actually is supposed to be hyphenated but never is, and apparently is ALSO supposed to have a capital G, which makes sense now that I think about it) would take away from the sentence because not only does it say something about the relationship between the narrator and her best friend because she hates them enough to call them God-awful yet still accept them without saying anything negative about them, it would also detract from the rhythm of the statement.

I'm gong to review the lines with the word "summers" in them, because it DOES sound strange to repeat it so many times in the space of so few words.

I'm debating whether or not I should remove the word "once." It's redundant, right, but I'm rather fond of the reflective tone it takes on considering it's a completely different sentence and thus denotes a pause in between "professor" and "once." It's meant to convey a sense of the main character pausing and realizing just how much that one word means. Once. It means she can't go back and do it again because everything is changed and it was long ago.

As for the reason she received stuffed animals for a few years after she moved around, it's meant to imply that he - the best friend - actively LOOKED for her AND tried to contact her. He looked hard enough to actually be able to find her even after she took precautions against being found. And somewhere in her head, even though she's trying to get away from everything in her past life, she wants him to find her, even though she keeps moving and pushing farther and farther away out of a sense of "I'm doing the right thing by removing myself from the lives of these people I once knew."

I meant for that "I'm a hundred miles away from -----" paragraph to build to a climax, but it seems to be lacking mostly in rhythm. I also wanted to give the reader a glimpse into what the main character's life once was, to reveal bits of a deeper level and make the reader understand that there is much more she was running away from than they really know, and that they can only really feel the faintest pressure of it (which lead to using the word "pressing" in the last two lines) and it is still hopefully effective enough that the reader begins to justify her leaving to themselves. As for the melodramatic-ness of the last two lines, I wanted to show that the character has essentially devolved mentally, almost madness but not quite, and reflect it in the more blunt, less imaginative writing.

I did mean one AND the same. Sorry about that. I actually do know that that's the correct phrase, just so everyone knows, haha. I suppose I just slipped. And she doesn't keep in touch with the best friend, HE keeps in touch with HER. She doesn't run away with him because she's not sure it's what she wants and she knows it wouldn't be good for the boyfriend, either. The idea is that she loves them both, loves all three, counting the daughter, and she runs because she can't make a decision, thinks too much and decides that it's best that these three are left to their own devices. She decides it is best that she completely remove herself from the situation and never reveal herself again.

She promised herself she'd never go back. And this part is again meant to reflect the deterioration of the character's mental state, not to an extreme point but to a point where there is definitely something wrong, in that it's written in a confusing manner. But the something else she promised the best friend was essentially a suicide pact made in their youth. This is illustrated in the last few lines, which are a reference to a Robert Frost poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" which I have always interpreted as suicide, the last lines of which are "The woods are lovely, dark and deep,/ But I have promises to keep,/ And miles to go before I sleep,/ And miles to go before I sleep." So that part really is kind of difficult to interpret unless one is familiar with the poem.

Again, thanks so much for all of your input and for the encouragement to submit it to a literary magazine or something similar, but it's a very personal story for me in the sense that there are a lot of personal experiences in there. I took basic things that happened to me and created a character based on how someone else might react to the situation and documented it with this story. I just feel that seeing it in print might make it a little too real, but thank you - again - for your encouragement.
Last edited by bigwordsarecool on Wed Jun 23, 2010 2:59 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey there,

Don't think I've noticed you around before, so, welcome! You've got a nice piece here, solidly written, but you could tighten it up a bit more. Initially, I had no problem with the first line, but on reviewing it I wondered whether there should be a comma after 'ago'.

Twenty years ago, I ran.


Having just written it out, I can safely say that yes, there should be a comma.

I moved a few times since then. Never get anymore mail.


You may consider a lot of what I say to be pedantic, but the details, the little particulars, are what separate the good from the great. It's especially important here because this piece is based around rhythm and pacing. I would swap 'mail' and 'anymore' around.

I moved a few times since then. Never get mail anymore.


You stay in past tense the majority of the time, until this:

Makes it harder for people to find me.


If this is deliberate, could you explain why? If not, switch to 'Made'.

Summer evenings always make me melancholy.
Where I’m living now, the summers get damn hot.


I don't particularly mind the repetition of 'summer' but I would nix 'always'.

Twenty years ago today is when I revved the engine in the fading light, sweat already forming a thin film on my face and neck from the walk through the parking lot.


A little too long for my liking, but that's not the matter, it's the three unnecessary words I've struck out. Tighten it up. Always keep tightening. :)

It’s an invitation


missing period.

Twenty years ago today.
I’m a hundred miles away form the town I grew up in.
A hundred miles away from the train tracks that run down Truxtun, the crumbling houses I always wanted to live in. I’m a hundred miles away from the park where I once sat and cried for ten minutes over a dead cat because I knew no one would bury it. A hundred miles away from the pocket knife I deep in the earth of my backyard, the blade that left these scars across my thighs. A hundred miles away from the closet I sat in, worrying about whether anyone would notice tomorrow, my forearms riddled with bruised impressions of my own teeth.
I’m a hundred miles away and I can still feel it pressing against me. Every second of every day.


Unlike Navita, I actually enjoyed this passage but I agree with her about the last line. 'Every second of every day' should be cut.

I remember everything I left behind. And there’s a card on my table that’s inviting me to come back, a card that marks twenty years since I graduated high school.
I have never gone back
. I promised myself I would never go back.


Cut everything in this passage bar the one line that matters. Tighten it up!

He told me he loved me.
He said he wanted me to be happy, told me he knew I wasn’t going to leave for him, told me he understood. I was his first kiss.

I told him everything.

We never did anything about it, never told a soul. I still think about him. Every day, without fail. Every night, without fail.
Neither one of us expected to make it this far, never expected to be alive this long. We never though we’d celebrate all of these thirty-seven birthdays.


Repetition gets tiring - here and there it makes for lovely rhythm, I know, but be careful of overusing it. I would nix 'Every day, without fail. Every night, without fail' and simplify it to something like 'Every day and every night.' Simplicity is why this piece shines, don't detract from that.

It had never occurred to me that he might have found someone else


Mostly, you get it right. The structure is great - the heavy majority of my own writing uses this structure of short, clipped scenes, so I'm obviously a fan haha. The only time I questioned the break was at the end.

---
I’m not going to the reunion, but I am going back.
There are things I left there that I’ll never get back. There are people who will never see me again.
I left a piece of my flesh there. A daughter who will never know me. I’ve never seen her. Bet she’s beautiful.
A promise is a promise. But I think when the person you promised says it’s OK you can take it back. I say it’s OK to go back. Just this once. Because I promised him something else.
---
It’s early evening. I park the car.
There are no more miles to travel, no more reason not to sleep.
It never snows in Bakersfield.


I don't see the reason for the break to be there. You could and probably should, make the entirety of this passage one whole ending. If you're intent on maintaining a break could a suggest a different placement? I'll leave it at the end so you can see what it would look like. Overall, I quite enjoyed your piece and I'm glad you've made it to YWS!

Hope this helped,
Cheers

---
I’m not going to the reunion, but I am going back.

There are things I left there that I’ll never get back. There are people who will never see me again.

I left a piece of my flesh there. A daughter who will never know me. I’ve never seen her. Bet she’s beautiful.

A promise is a promise. But I think when the person you promised says it’s OK you can take it back. I say it’s OK to go back. Just this once. Because I promised him something else.

It’s early evening. I park the car.

There are no more miles to travel, no more reason not to sleep.

--

It never snows in Bakersfield.

Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I really loved this peice but I had only one problem with it.

He kissed me once, you know.

The one I told you about before. Kissed me after school, right on the mouth.

Told me he’d wanted to do that for two and a half years and just walked away.

I was seven months pregnant with someone else’s baby, someone I’d been seeing for over a year.

It was three months before graduation. He was my best friend.


It wasn't until I got here that I realized that te character was a female. Until then I was think that it was an old man remember his life.

Overall I give it two thumbs up and encourage you to keep going. I'd read one of your books if I saw one on the shelf at Barnes an Noble or Wal-Mart or Target or where ever.

---Mike F.
"I know I can't slow down, I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no, there aint no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good." ---Cage the Elephant 'Ain't No Rest for the Wicked'




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Jiggity:
Thanks for your comments, I definitely understand the notion of details making a piece awesome, so don't worry about me thinking you're finicky or anything like that.

I'm not sure there should be a comma after "ago." Grammatically, it's unnecessary, as for rhythmically, it sounds wrong. The way I'm reading it in my head, with that added pause that a comma would create, it just sounds cheesy to me.

"Never get mail anymore" does sound better than the other way around. It definitely has a better rhythm.

"Makes" instead of "made" was deliberate. It shows that she's STILL running.

I'm not sure how I feel about nixing always, yet. I'm leaning towards doing it, because it IS unnecessary, but I want to read through the story without it first.

I want to get rid of "is when," but I like "the" because it works rhythmically.

I may agree with you about "every second of every day." I meant it to kind of mirror "every day, without fail. Every night, without fail," but, again, I want to read through it before the final decision.

For the next passage, I'm thinking "I remember everything I left behind. I have never gone back. I promised myself I would never go back." I really want that first line in there, I feel like it's important to the piece, but the in-between stuff is fluff.

I'm thinking about cutting the phrase "told me he knew I wasn't going to leave for him" and leaving the rest. And maybe doing something about the "never told a soul," because I feel like that "told" messes up that passage. "Every day, without fail. Every night, without fail" is a personal allusion, so I'm going to keep that. And I'm definitely getting rid of "never expected."

I'll clip out "had."

And I absolutely love the different break idea you had for the end. It makes that last line so much more stark, makes it stand out.

Again, thanks for that. You've been the most helpful so far.

Thefadedphotograph:
Thanks for the encouragement :)
I've had a couple other comments on the ambiguous gender of the main character. I'm not sure if I consider it a flaw because I feel like it makes her seem more strange, foreign, I think, is a better word for what I mean. No one thinks much about a man leaving his child and its mother, but when it's a woman it seems more against nature, more wrong. I'm going to read over it and when I do a second revision I'll consider adding something earlier on flagging her gender.




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I really enjoyed this story. I just didn't want to stop reading it. I do however wish there was a reason given for her disappearance. Also I felt that there was kind of a rain cloud over her life as well as the lives of her friends and family in the story, it should be a little less sad. Overall I really enjoyed your story,keep writing!
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Thanks for your response. There were several reasons. It was their convergence that made her leave. And also, I feel that it isn't so much blatantly sad as it is gloomy. Thanks again :)




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Points 1326
Reviews 4
I love this piece. It is beautifully written. I know you've received lots of praise for this, you obviously know its good, so I would like to tell you why its great.
This story has a very disjointed way of flowing and it makes me think of my own life. My energy tends to come in spurts and rushes and I spend much of my time remembering different summers and the different ways they make me miserable. Your MC thinks a lot about the summer and associates a lot of different things with it. I think a lot of people do that, though not just with summer, and I think you have done a splendid job of letting us see into her head. This also makes me think of my own best friend. I know he wasn't in love with me and I didn't even realize it then but, now that he's gone, I can see that I was in love with him. You story also showed me that there are worse options then what I have chosen and I am under the impression that you wrote this based on your own experience, mapping out what would have been your life if you had chosen to run away. Also, I love the metaphor between the poem and the "suicide pact" in the story. When she gets back into town, she knows that there are no more miles left, that there is no more reason for her to not sleep, to stay alive. It was simply beatiful and heartbreaking, even though your MC seems distant to the readers. I may have let a tear slip at the end there.

I would also like to ask your premission to show this to a friend. She would relate to it a lot better then I and it wouldn't hurt to show her there are people worse off then she in this world. I would also like to know if its ok if I quote part of the story. I would like to present it at the begining of poem I'm writing. It fits in perfectly with it.

``Greyson``
Summoned, I come.
In Valen's name I take the place that has been prepared for me.
I am grey.
I stand between the candle and the star.
We are grey.
We stand between the darkness and the light.
THE GREY COUNCIL - Babylon 5



I continue to be a reverse hipster, I only do things after they've ceased being cool
— BluesClues