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Chapter 1 : Jacob


"So, Jacob, I heard you went to the Alps during the summer?" I looked up from my iPod to see Mallory in front of me. A flash of annoyance ran through my system, but I quickly erased it before it could show on my face.

"Yeah, it was nice. What did you do?" I carried on the typical 'polite conversation', averting the attention from me to her.
Immediately she seemed to explode with overly-dramatic tales of five hour shopping trips, sun bathing at the beach, and how she went 400 minutes over her texting limit. "fascinating..." I muttered, losing interest the very second she opened her mouth, but half trying to remain polite.

Luckily, I wasn't 'graced' with Mallory's attention for long, her 'girlfriend' Stephanie dragged her to another table to catch up; though I doubt they've been apart for longer than two days. I sighed; it's my first day back in high school and she's already attached to me. I was hoping that a full summer away from her would obliterate whatever 'feelings' she stills harbors for me. I had not called her the entire summer (though she had called my phone over fifteen times; I ignored each one), didn't give her the address of the cabin I was staying in, didn't talk to her at all, and she still is trying to get back with me.

Yes, I had, once, dated Mallory Finch; and regretted it ever since. I hadn't known then that one date would mean a life time of annoyance and persistence on her part. I'm sure I've made it plain that I'm not interested in her, at all, but either her dyed blond hair is starting to affect her brain, or she just refuses to admit that I'm not interested. Whatever the case, I'm sure that my Junior year is going to be filled with me trying to avoid her at all costs, and probably failing.

I began to notice more noise in the cafeteria and saw the rest of the school stumbling in. My eyes wandered and caught on my friends from last year; I waved them over to the table I occupied.

"Early as ever Jacob. Haven't you ever heard of sleeping in?" Kayla Isom took a seat next to me, dropping her seventy pound book back on the floor. I swear I heard the concrete crack. Kayla Isom: Brainiac with attitude. Long, straight dark brown hair, brown eyes.

"And haven't you ever heard of traveling light?" Kayla scowled as Cody Smith took the seat opposite her. Cody Smith: Football Jock with a surprisingly nice attitude. Dirty blonde hair, brown eyes.

"it doesn't hurt to bring some things for entertainment," She replied, turning up her nose at him and flicked her long brown hair behind her.

"Then explain why you've been going to the chiropractor for the past three months?" He chuckled, "And I bet there's not a single book in there that doesn't have the words Science, History, English, or Geography on it." he added. Kayla turned a very light shade of pink and kept quiet.

"You guys still going at it?" Another seat was taken by Taylor Down. She immediately dropped her bag and placed her feet on the table. Taylor Down: Long light brown hair, hazel eyes. Goth and punk. She can't decide.

"Of course they are, they're Cody and Kayla," And last but not least, Joshua Tevers: Prankster times three. Blond hair (probably the only person in this entire school with natural blond hair), gray/blue eyes. In a relationship with Taylor, though she doesn't know it yet.

"Looks like the entire group's here, no one died over the summer." Kayla said, forgetting about Cody's jibe. Everyone started talking about what they did over the summer, swapping stories they heard, things they saw.

I let my eyes wander around the cafeteria. I noticed that all the guys sort of blended together, as did the girls. They all had the same style, the guys, muscle shirts and shorts, the girls, short shorts and skirts, tank tops, ridiculous amounts of make up, and platinum blond hair. They were all the same, claiming uniqueness but following everyone else. No matter how different the patterns, colors, or sizes of the clothes, they followed the same style. It's old.

As soon as that thought passed through my brain something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. At first I thought it was another typical goth, all I could see was black hair. But as the girl moved through the crowd it was obvious that that clique wasn't her. She wore shorts, they weren't overly tight, nor were they short, but knee length. She didn't wear a tank top, but a simple gray T-shirt, it wasn't baggy, but not tight either; at least, not the tight shirts other girls were wearing, it was just form fitting, not suffocating.

I tried to place her face in my mind to match a name to her, but I drew no conclusion. Maybe she's a new student? "Hey Kayla," If anyone knew about a new student Kayla would, she's the head of that group after all. "Do we have any new students this year?"

She looked at me for a second before saying "Yes, as a matter of fact we do. Just one though, Renee' Fox. I think she's a Junior as well." She paused, "Why the sudden interest?"

I jerked my head to where Renee' was. "Doesn't she seem to, I don't know, stand out?" I asked. The rest of the group, who had inconspicuously listened in, nodded, looking her over.

Cody leaned over to me, "Why not invite her over here? She looks a little lost, and it may be fun." I rolled my eyes and ignored him. Unfortunately, Joshua heard him. Without saying a word he got up and walked over to Renee'. I groaned when I saw them conversing, Joshua's 6' 1" figure hunched over to remain in sight range. I saw Renee' shrug and then follow Joshua back to our table.

"Everyone, this is Renee' Fox." Joshua introduced her, pretending that we hadn't already been snooping around in her info. Renee' smiled and took the seat Joshua offered her, which was, conveniently, next to mine. "Renee', this is Jacob Steal," he said, gesturing to me.

"Hello," I greeted casually, "I'm probably the only normal person you'll meet at this table," I added, smiling. She smiled back and reached out her hand to shake mine. Odd, but I followed suite.

Joshua went to Kayla next, "This is Kayla Isom,"

"Nice to meet you Renee'," She said, and knowing what Renee' was going to do, she reached out her hand.

Cody leaned over to Renee', "She's the brainiac here." He whispered. Renee' nodded politely. She definitely doesn't talk much.

Joshua, continuing the introduction, went to Cody next. "This is Cody Smith, probably the nicest Jock you'll ever meet." He said.

"Though that can be debatable," Kayla sniffed.

"Yeah, four to one say he's the nicest, debate over, you loose." Joshua said, laughing. "Alright, last but not least is Miss Taylor Down," Joshua said, doing a mock bow. Taylor shoved him but chuckled.
Last edited by Jeanette on Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If you held the world in your hands,
What would you change first?
Would you change the format, change the plans?
Or leave it be in the universe?
:Jeanette:




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Hey there, I'm here for a review!

Okay, so you've got your average high school scene going on here--ex-girlfriends, friends, new kid--and it's all well and good. So far there isn't a lot that makes me want to read more, but then again it's just the first chapter, so we'll see how it gets further on.

Now, you introduce a lot of characters within a very short space and stereotype them at once: so-and-so's a jock, another one's goth, etc. Let the way the characters interact show the reader how each one's personality is. Don't just tell the reader; let us discover it for ourselves, the way we would as if we were watching a movie or actually interacting with them in real life. How many times have you had someone come up to you and say, "Hey, I'm Joe, and I'm a football jock!" or "I'm Sue and I'm emo. What are you?" Not too many, probably. ;)

A couple of things I noticed were some instances of you using the wrong word, like here:
"Yeah, it was nice. What did you do?" I carried on the typical 'polite conversation', #FF0000 ">adverting I think you mean "averting." the attention from me to her.
Immediately she seemed to explode with overly-dramatic tales of 5 hour shopping trips, sun bathing at the beach, and how she went 400 minutes over her texting limit. "fascinating..." I muttered #FF0000 ">loosing Just one "o" to make it "losing." interest the very second she opened her mouth, but half trying to remain polite.


Another thing I saw was that you tend to put the numbers in without writing them out ("5" should be "five", etc.). Especially with smaller numbers, you want to just write them out.

And my last little nitpick was the dialogue punctuation. I'm not very good at explaining those rules, so here's a great link that I use all the time for checking where those commas and quotations go. ;)

Again, you've got a good start here, and after a bit of ironing out it has the potential to be a really great story. Please feel free to PM me with any questions! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Thanks for reviewing! I've gotten another review that critiqued the way I introduced characters (it was on the other story, I moved it because someone paired another story with mine). I meant for it to seem kind of high school-ish, he stereo-types them the way high school does, it's kind of the way his mind works. He immediately throws the people he meets into a stereo-type (as he tried with Renee). I'll try to explain that more later in the chapter (because I'm not done with the first chapter yet, something I should have mentioned before; sorry!). If this kind of introducing doesn't work then I will change it, I just wanted to try this one first. Anyways, thanks for the criticism! :)

:Jeanette:
If you held the world in your hands,
What would you change first?
Would you change the format, change the plans?
Or leave it be in the universe?
:Jeanette:



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell