Legendary Party Chapter 1: A new start (edited)

Perhaps fate brought them together, both Lan and Huo studied in the same school naming Mo Hum School. It looked like some original school but it was a place where some students were not ordinary folks, they represent the heaven world and demon world to look close at them. When both of the innocents fall in love, both worlds will use all their means to get them and change the world.

Lan and Huo happens to study in the same class, although they weren’t friends at all but they are fated to be together facing all happiness and sorrows. Lan was popular with many girls, letters, calls, were counted hundreds in his lockers, and his hand phone ringing all the time. Unlike Huo was a quiet girl who doesn't talk a lot, others thought that she was acting cool and thus ignore and avoid her. Thus, Huo is always alone, she seemed like ignoring whatsoever but deep in her heart, she wished to be accepted. Lan sees her different from other girls who only knows how to doll themselves while Huo always wear black and act mysterious and had an interest to her. Lan wanted to know her better and so he told everyone to open up a chalet so that Huo could also participate.

Lan invited Huo to join the class chalet but Huo said she need some time to consider and went off alone.

Actually, Huo also wanted to mix around with the others but her family warned her not to trust people too much, not even friends as they would only hurt her. Huo remembered everything her family told her but deep in her heart, she believed humans had their good side too.

Huo walked along the class corridors, thinking about the chalet and her family. Huo really wanted to join in but she afraid things will get complicated if her family knew about it. Just as Huo was deciding, someone ran past her and she swirled around and finally fall down to the ground. Huo raised up her head to see who it was but there was no one except the empty corridors. She stood up and was about to chase after the fellow, someone called her from the back, “Huo!” It was Danny from the same class as Huo. Danny went up to Huo and gave her a pat on the shoulder.

Danny: “Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn’t know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?”

Huo: “Erm…I was considering…”

Danny: “Come on, what’s there to consider? I am sure it will be fun! Can you imagine, the smell of the barbeque food, the nearby sea breeze and those stupid noises from those guys. Ow…just go..”

Huo thought about what Danny was promoting the chalet, she hadn’t a nice talk with Danny before as she was someone who crowd around the guys as if she was one of them. However, Huo knew that Danny was serious on inviting her so she gave Danny a nod. Danny: “Hurray! Full attendance of the class chalet, woohoo!” Huo smiled with Danny as she started to see light in her life.

Hey Fruit! Mind If I call you that? Welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here. I wanted to review you first so I am! Let's review!

This is an amazing world you have created. It is very complex and original. The only thing is that you have given us too much information in the beginning. What you have done is called an "info dump", because you gave us the entire back story. Because you have put so much info at the beginning, the reader gets turned off. This is because they feel like there is too much info to remember, and so they get intimidated and stop reading. My suggestion is to either call the first five paragraphs the prologue, or cut down the first five paragraphs into something that gives the idea what is going on in this world, but not giving so much info to turn off a reader. After all, this is a special world you created. Would you rather give it all away in a few paragraphs, or over the novel itself?

My only realy qualm here is that you switch tenses a lot. At first it is present tense, then past, etc. You should pick one tense and stick to it. I suggest past because you are talking in third person here. You sometimes also use a comma when you should have used a semicolon or just a period, but everyone does that sometimes.

Overall, good job. The world you have created is interesting and complex. Just make sure to spread the info more evenly across the story. All the readers need to know is that these are not normal humans; that they are special. You can describe in more detail how special they are as the plot goes on. Other than that, good job!

-Esther

Hi! I'm a newbie too. YWS sure looks promising, huh? Anyways, time to review.

I like your story. There are some grammar mistakes, and run-on sentences. Like Esther Sylvester says, there are a lot of info dumps. The content is great, I just have some nitpicks. Just so you know, my comments are pink.

fruityminyi wrote: In the complicated world of demon and heaven and human, two innocent babies had come to the world in this beautiful day, this is their seven lifetime, the most critical lifetime. In the demon and heaven world, lovers who meet seven lifetimes is as good as a precious stone, their powers had the ability to destroy the whole world which both demons and heaven slayers wished to acquire for their own interest. [color=#FF00BF]I would say:"In the complicated world of demon and heaven and human, on this beautiful day, two innocent babies had come into this world. This is their seventh lifetime, the most critical lifetime... etc. I like this paragraph, though!

The baby boy came from the heaven, his parents was originate dragon races from demon world and now became part of the heaven world due to their repentance. In the past, they created disasters to the human world by splitting fire, flooding the streets and destroy whatever they’ve seen. Due to a mother dragon give birth the baby boy, they start to think, maybe they are wrong, and maybe they should stop. Thus, they joined the heaven world and now they were the master of water and fire. To reward the dragon races, the heaven world granted them human bodies so that they could appear in a human form.[color=#FF00BF]You switch tenses in this paragraph. At first you say the boy came from heaven, then he was now part of the heaven world. Then you basically continue in present tense.

The new born baby boy named Lan (sounds land) was sent by his parents to go to the human world to familiarise the environment. By having Lan in the human world, the heaven will obtain detailed information for them to control the 3 worlds. The heaven world assigned a fairy named Qing Ling to bring the small Lan to some childless family.The only complaint I have in this paragraph is how you tell us how to pronounce "Lan". I think that you should not tell us period, or have another character call him Land and then Lan tell them how to pronounce it.

As for the baby girl, she was born in the human world but because of her special powers flash out when she was coming out from her mother’s body, her parents abandoned her. The demon world that was attracted by the baby girl’s special powers brought her back to the demon world. They discussed her future development, to be combined of which races, at last, they came to a final conclusion...Vampire, half vampire, half human. They made it as though the baby girl had only ¼ of the vampire blood such that the baby girl live and eat as a human while possessed vampires powers and her own. Instead of saying "when she was coming out of her mother's body," I would say, "when she was being born." Also, when you say,"The demon world that was attracted by the baby girl’s special powers brought her back to the demon world," is a little repetitive. I would say, " The demon world that was attracted by the baby girl’s special powers brought her back to their realm."

Since thousands of years ago, dead human who eyes shone by the moon transform into zombies and start sucking human blood for survival. Vampires were transformed from zombies, and only those fated ones would have the luck to become stronger and smarter.Congrats! Nothing for me to say about this one, except that it's good!

Vampires who lived forever were known as the fastest demon. They can fly without stopping like the bat, their guts also known to be the best, like the wolves, they dared to face enemies which are stronger than them. However, there was something that will never change, they suck blood from human and their wish for blood was getting crazier. Okay, so the second sentence doesn't really flow very well. I would say, "They can fly without stopping like the bat, and their guts are also known to be the best, like the wolves, because they dared to face enemies which are stronger than them." Also, in this paragraph you talk about vampires as if they don't exist anymore, then say that something will never change.

Although the baby girl had become half vampire, half human, she could only survived in the human world and so the demon king(Crue) decided to let her live in the human world but got her a small little witch named DuDu to accompany her. She was being bought up in a gangster family who got threatened by the demon world and for repayments, they promised to raise her. To be someone cool, cruel and cold-blood and she was named Huo. The baby had become half vampire, half human? I thought she always was. Also, after you say the demon king, put his name in commas instead of in parenthesis, like this, "The demon king, Crue, decided...." Another thing: you say to be someone cool, cruel and cold blooded but you don't say how she would be that. If you mean to say that being brought up by gangsters would make her be that, then put it in the previous sentence (the one about the gangsters). If you want the name to make her be that, say this, "To be someone cool, cruel and cold-blood she was named Huo." Just get rid of the and.

17 years later…

Perhaps fate brought them together,because both Lan and Huo studied in the same school namedMo Hum School. It looked like some original school but it was a place where some students were not ordinary folks, asthey represent the heaven world and demon world to look close at them. When both of the innocents fall in love, both worlds will use all their means to get them and change the world.In this paragraph, I just edited into the actual sentences. Do you mind if I do that? 'Cause I'm gonna.

Lan and Huo happens (make "ed") to study in the same class, although they weren’t friends at all but they are fated to be together facing all happiness and sorrows. Lan was popular with many girls, (make a semicolon ";")letters, calls, were counted in the hundreds in his lockers, and his hand phone ringing make "rang" because you are in past tense. all the time. Unlike him, Huo was a quiet girl who doesn't didn'ttalk a lot, others thought that she was acting cool and thus ignore and avoid her. Thus, Huo is wasalways alone, she seemed like ignoring whatsoever but deep in her heart, she wished to be accepted. Lan sees sawher different from other girls who only knows how to doll themselves while Huo always wear black and act mysterious and had an interest to her. Lan wanted to know her better and so he told everyone to open up a chalet so that Huo could also participate. Okay, so have you switched to present? I'm not sure, so I am going to completely stop editing tenses.

Lan invited Huo to join the class chalet but Huo said she need some time to consider and went off alone. I feel stupid. What's a chalet?

Actually, Huo also wanted to mix around with the others but her family warned her not to trust people too much, not even friends as they would only hurt her. Huo remembered everything her family told her but deep in her heart, she believed humans had their good side too.

Huo walked along the class corridors, thinking about the chalet and her family. Huo really wanted to join in but she afraid things will get complicated if her family knew about it. Just as Huo was deciding, someone ran past her and she swirled around and finally fall down to the ground. Huo raised up her head to see who it was but there was no one except the empty corridors. She stood up and was about to chase after the fellow, someone called her from the back, “Huo!” It was Danny from the same class as Huo. Danny went up to Huo and gave her a pat on the shoulder.

Danny: “Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn’t know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?”Usually people say "Danny asked, 'Hey, do...". That way, you can incoorporate what they were doing into the same sentence, but this could be okay to,

Huo: “Erm…I was considering…”

Danny: “Come on, what’s there to consider? I am sure it will be fun! Can you imagine, the smell of the barbeque food, the nearby sea breeze and those stupid noises from those guys. Ow…just go..”Why did he say ow?

Huo thought about what Danny was promoting the chalet, she hadn’t a nice talk with Danny before as she was someone who crowd around the guys as if she was one of them. However, Huo knew that Danny was serious on inviting her so she gave Danny a nod. Danny: “Hurray! Full attendance of the class chalet, woohoo!” Huo smiled with Danny as she started to see light in her life.

I really like this. You do create a good world, I would just be careful with the info dumps in the beginning of the story. I like how you abruptly end it, and I definitely want to read more. Good job!

Thanks for the comments and the changes you make. I guess if i pass this on to my previous English teacher, she would shoot me from the start till the beginning and bang..i stop writing lols

For your info, chalet is a resort house.

Hey! Here to review again!

Perhaps fate brought them together, both Lan and Huo studied in the same school naming Mo Hum School. It looked like some original school but it was a place where some students were not ordinary folks, they represent the heaven world and demon world to look close at them. When both of the innocents fall in love, both worlds will use all their means to get them and change the world.

I would cut this out. It feels more like the description from the back of a book than the start to a chapter.

I'd really like to see more in this chapter. It has a great backbone as it is. There is a definite plot visable, and that can be the hardest part! I applaud you on that! There is a lot more that could be done here to really make it great and shiny.

Description
Rather than just telling basic events in a chapter, it is infinitely more interesting and exciting to include a lot of descriptions. This may seem a bit daunting, but it's a lot easier than it sounds! A great way to write descriptions is to focus on the five senses: sight, sound, taste, feel, and smell.
Here is a great article by a YWS member that goes into a lot of detail about writing descriptions, you should check it out: Description (By Kitty15)

Dialogue
Dialogue is a very important part of any story, so it's great that you have it in here! You're right on your way to a great chapter.
There are, though, certain rules to dialogue. The dialogue written in this chapter takes more the form of dialogue in a script. Dialogue in fiction should be written a bit differently. Here is an example from this chapter:

Danny: “Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn’t know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?”

Instead, it should look a little something like this:
"Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn't know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?" Danny said.
Or
"Hey, do you know that there was a class chaletgoing on?" Danny asked. "I bet you didn't know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?"
Here are two articles on writing dialogue that you should check out for further information:
Dialogue Punctuation (By: JFW1415)
Writing Good Dialogue (By: beckiw)

Pacing
This is one last little thing. Pacing is basically how fast a story/chapter moves. Keeping the reader up to speed and involved in the story is the top priority. This is done through pacing. Rather than explain is badly, here is yet another article written by a YWS member: Pacing, and why it is important (By: Rosey Unicorn)

I hope I've helped with all this information, and you should definitely check out those articles and other available here on YWS at the Knowledge Base. You're doing very well here, and with a little work this could really shine. Great job and good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-