Don't hate what you make

6 posts
User avatar
jake457
Gender Male
Points 1302
Reviews 7
Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:12 am
jake457 says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:12 am
Im standing here
Just wonder- ring
‘cause when I hear,
Your stupid thoughts
The same ol’ story
It’s always is
With you people

[build up]

Im getting sick
of this rut
You treat me like
some stupid slut
You keep me there
To make you feel
So fucking good
Then your bored
You say bye-bye
And ya gone for good

chorus
What’s the point of being kind
It always fucks me over
People always seem to
Leave me there behind
I feel so stupid and blind-
Im not so trusting, anymore
don’t hate what you make
Of me

Don’t fucking call me great
If you just gonna, change your mind
Cause im not gonna waste my time
I write it down in this rhyme
Leaving now, you’re full of grime

You think you’re so sublime
But you’re a waste life and a
A waste of heart
You shallow people
Leave me now forever
Cause you fucked me over
And now im done

Chorus

So I say, so I sing
I am me
Not a drug, for you life
Not a toy
Im just a guy
Not no robot
I can not,
Fly-
You will drop me
When you know this


Chorus-end
What’s the point,
being kind
Fuck me over
People always
Leave behind
feel so blind
not trusting, anymore
don’t hate now
You made me!
Last edited by jake457 on Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Quote




User avatar
LadyPurple
Gender Female
Points 1171
Reviews 206
Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:07 pm
LadyPurple says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:07 pm
Ok! First I just wanna show some parts that you messed up on and what they should be. The parts are in red
jake457 wrote:
I'm standing here
Just wonder- ring
‘cause when I hear,
Your stupid thoughts
The same ol’ story
It’s always is (this didn't make sense there.)
With you people

[build up]

I'm getting sick
of this rut
You treat me like
some stupid slut
You keep me there
To make you feel
So fucking good
Then you're bored
You say bye-bye
And ya gone for good

chorus
What’s the point of being kind
It always fucks me over
People always seem to
Leave me there behind
I feel so stupid and blind-
I'm not so trusting, anymore
don’t hate what you make
Of me

Don’t fucking call me great
If you just gonna, change your mind
Cause i'm not gonna waste my time
I write it down in this rhyme
Leaving now, you’re full of grime

You think you’re so sublime
But you’re a waste (of) life and a
A waste of heart
You shallow people
Leave me now forever
Cause you fucked me over
And now im done

Chorus

So I say, so I sing
I am me
Not a drug, for you life
Not a toy
Im just a guy
Not no robot
I can not,
Fly-
You will drop me
When you know this


Chorus-end
What’s the point,
being kind
Fuck me over
People always
Leave behind
feel so blind
not trusting, anymore
don’t hate now
You made me!

I can't say that I haven't felt the way you did in this. You have good rhythm and you're creative! keep it up!
You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?



You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn
Quote




User avatar
jake457
Gender Male
Points 1302
Reviews 7
Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:44 pm
jake457 says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:44 pm
EDITED ON MY PERSONAL FILES! :D
Quote




User avatar
Razcoon
Gender None specified
Points 9046
Reviews 114
Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:26 pm
Razcoon says... · Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:26 pm
I said I look at your lyrics, no? I found a few more minor mistakes, so I'll point them out here:

jake457 wrote:
Im standing here
Don’t fucking call me great
If you just gonna, change your mind
Cause I'm not gonna waste my time
I write it down in this rhyme
Leaving now, you’re full of grime

You think you’re so sublime
But you’re a waste life and a
A waste of heart
You shallow people
Leave me now forever
Cause you fucked me over
And now I'm done

Chorus

So I say, so I sing
I am me
Not a drug, for you life
Not a toy
I'm just a guy
Not no robot
I can not,
Fly-
You will drop me
When you know this


Like ladypurple, I have also felt the way you did when you wrote this.
Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Quote




User avatar
Firestarter
Supporter
Gender Male
Points 18178
Reviews 1259
Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:46 pm
Firestarter says... · Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:46 pm
Hi jake,

I edited your rating to 18+ because of mature language in your work. Please remember to check the ratings guide before posting!

This has also, unfortunately, been posted in the wrong place. I know it's pretty confusing because we have a Lyric Poetry section, but we also have a section called Lyrics, where I think you meant to place this! I'll move it for you, don't worry.

I felt the emotion in this, and it struck me as almost a rap song. I don't know how you envisaged the music, but right now this struck me as Eminem-esque in its construction. Unfortunately I think the weakest part is the chorus, which doesn't sound like it would be very good. The anger comes through in the verses, but it's oddly forgotten in the chorus, which feels limp and empty in comparison. I think you should work on making your chrous top notch, give it more impact, more heart.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
Quote




User avatar
jake457
Gender Male
Points 1302
Reviews 7
Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:22 am
jake457 says... · Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:22 am
Oh, I was more taking it as a depechmode tint with a more emotional rock to it :L but if it can be done as a rap, it might come useful to me. And I will remember which section to post it in :)
Quote

6 posts


Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Captain Jack Sparrow