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Hey Jackle. Now, I'm a little confused as to what this is supposed to be? A short story, the beginning of a novel/novella, or some sort of background introduction for a larger project? If this isn't a shot story, it should probably be moved to the General Fiction Novels forum. But, since I'm confused about the identity of this piece, I'm not sure exactly how to critique it.

“I just got off the phone to your mother,” Russell told me. “She’s gone on vacation to get away from you.”

“I’m not the one who keeps her up all night with obnoxious snoring,” I scowled. “And why didn’t you tell me so I could talk to her?”

I'd like some more reaction from Kasia to this accusation of Russell's. It's harsh. Is she used to this kind of verbal abuse? Does she even take him seriously anymore? She scowls, but her response is very dismissive, not too concerned about what he's saying-- why is that? Later she realizes that there wasn't enough time for a phone conversation and the phone didn't ring, but in the meantime she'd have an initial reaction.

Murdering Mom

Okay, so boy was that a surprise! I'm not even sure what to say about it, honestly. I didn't like it, though. It's a twist in the story, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it's not a twist that fits. I mean, that's serious. Her sister and her step-father hacked her mother to pieces. That's an entire plot-line, not something that you throw in there to add some conflict. And that requires serious psychosis. Ingrid is a b****, I get it, and Russell's a jerk. Okay. Family problems, that's fine. But this? This is not a family problem. These are two psychotic murderers, and that defines a character. Russell is lazy, but he's not insane. And Ingrid is hostile, but she's not capable of keeping quiet about her mother's murder for some cash. My first piece of advice is take this all out. If you really don't want to, though, you've got to rationalize this better than "they did it for the money". If these are killers, you have to characterize them like killers.

Kasia's reaction is off, too. She's angry, which I understand, but that's all. I see no grief, no denial, no fear, no disgust. She's mad at Ingrid as if Ingrid stole her boyfriend or something; it's venom, but it's not enough of a reaction for realizing your sister and step-father killed your mom. Like I said, this is more serious than your character are treating it.

Overall

I feel like there are three story-lines at work here, and that they're not exactly meshing well together. One is social-- Zeda and Phil and Precious and high school, romantic, gossipy drama. One is familial-- Ingrid and Russell, the psycho-greedy killers, and a murder afoot. The last is the one I think you need to be focusing on more-- the mysterious wolf-girl, and Kasia being a shape-shifter.

It's fine to have subplots, but it seems as if you're trying to cram too much into too small of a plot-line. If I'm right, this story is about the shape-shifting aspect, and that's good. It's also good to add other dimensions-- family and social drama, in this case. But you don't want to add so much that it becomes a story-line of its own and overtakes the main plot. I say cool off a bit on all the "Omg, he's hot! No way, everyone thinks you're so unique and mysterious, I like you, Mark's going out with Brianna..." stuff. I also strongly suggest you take out the murdered-mother part and find another way for her to be relocated from the immediate scene. If you can narrow your focus down to Kasia and the wolf-girl, you can embellish with friends and crushes, filtering all that outside conflict through the main one.

Basically? Don't forget which story your telling, and even if you think you have an awesome idea, make sure it fits.

You're a good writer, Jackle. I was impressed with your writing style and technique, the way you build conversations and your narrative. Just work on ironing out character believability and figuring out how to tell your story.

~Evi

So I read all these stories at like two last night and was way to exhausted to leave a comment but I just wanted to let you know they're great! When I was reading them it felt like I was reading a real book and I was totally engrossed, I really hope there's more. Of course, as in almost every post, there were typos but hey, what are you gonna do? And other people will go through and point them out so I don't feel obligated too, anyway I just wanted to say I really liked them so PM me when you right more. Vi

Hey Jackle! Apologies for being so late.

I loved this It's like me and cupcakes, I just can't get enough of it. Your character's are great, the dialogue is great and the plot is...GREAT! I'm so totally ready for more because I can tell the best is yet to come

Looking forward to it!

*coco