Envy

This is gor the seven deadly sins contest. I think it really needs work, so please help! I appreciate any comment whatsoever. Thank you.

Evny


I touched Kate's straight dark hair gingerly, feeling its smooth texture under my fingers. Her hair was always so pretty. My hair was never this straight, never this beautiful. It wasn't fair.

I felt a vile urge inside me to pull at the delicate strands in my hand. My breath caught in my throat. Really, why shouldn't I? wondered a small voice at the back of my mind. No one would know, of course not, perfect Kate would never tell anyone. Not after I say I'm sorry nicely, looking at her with my big blue eyes.

Slowly, I dropped my hand. It was almost painful. No, of course I wouldn't do that. What's gotten into me? I stroked my messy autumn curls fretfully. They were too frizzy today.

William had joked about that at school, his arm around Kate's shoulder. She was blushing back then. She was too busy looking down so I bet she didn't see, but his cheeks were burning red. She actually made him blush. It was the first time I saw William like that. And that adorable face he made… it wasn't for me. I bet she didn't even know exactly how his eyes glinted when he looked at her. I bet she didn't even think of it.

I sat myself slowly next to the bed, legs sprawled on the wooden floor. "Kate," I whispered at the girl in the bed, "You're so perfect." Her green eyes remained closed, not even fluttering. I sighed. I bet she was used to these kinds of compliments. "You're too cute, Kate," I said again, to myself more than anyone. Tears were climbing up my throat suddenly, burning my eyes. A sob was building inside me. "I want to be perfect too," I choked out from behind my tears.

I wrapped my hands around my knees, leaning my chin on them. My tears tickled as they slid down to my chin. I looked terrible when I cried, I knew that. I remember the first time I saw myself cry in the mirror, in kindergarten: my eyes were red and puffy, my face scrunched up and this horrible wailing was coming from my throat. I wanted to stop: the me in the mirror was scary. She looked so miserable it was heartbreaking. I remember thinking she should cheer up, and that no one should see this. There was nothing cute about it.

But Kate was okay. Kate was always the best. Besides, she was asleep. Her thin lower lip jutted out slightly in an adorable way. I closed my eyes.. Damn it, I growled internally. She was even cute in her sleep.

Then the green eyes fluttered open. "Lucy?" she asked numbly. "What's wrong?"

The sob finally broke through, shaking my entire body. I dove into my best friends arms. "I'm so sorry, Kate," I bawled. "I've been so mean inside my head!"

She patted my back. "It's okay," she said quietly. "It really is."

Hello there
I will start by first outlining some of the mistakes

It wasn't fair.

was not. Only use "wasn't" when quoting a character. You seem to have done that a lot as I read.

wondered a small voice at the back of my mind.

Capitals

I sat myself slowly next to the bed, legs sprawled on the wooden floor. "Kate," I whispered at the girl in the bed, "You're so perfect." Her green eyes remained closed, not even fluttering. I sighed. I bet she was used to these kinds of compliments. "You're too cute, Kate," I said again, to myself more than anyone. Tears were climbing up my throat suddenly, burning my eyes. A sob was building inside me. "I want to be perfect too," I choked out from behind my tears.

Right, you should remember to leave spaces in between character conversation. I would write this paragraph like this,

I sat myself slowly next to the bed, legs sprawled on the wooden floor.

"Kate," I whispered at the girl in the bed, "You're so perfect."

Her green eyes remained closed, not even fluttering. I sighed. I bet she was used to these kinds of compliments.

"You're too cute, Kate," I said again, to myself more than anyone.

Tears were climbing up my throat suddenly, burning my eyes. A sob was building inside me.

"I want to be perfect too," I choked out from behind my tears.

I think those are the only things I spotted. There were no spelling errors. Now to the story; it was...innocent. But I felt that you did an average job at conveying the feeling of envy (I thought that, I don't know about someone else). It was not enough. Maybe the primary reason is that you did not do a very good job when you started the story, it lacked that suspense. For a short story of this manner, why don't you try telling it in sort of a 'flashback' manner where Lucy is trying to maybe cut Kate's hair off but then she stops because she gets her senses back then she quietly or while crying, remembers why she is so envies her best friend...something like that. I did like everything in the middle of the story though, the way you described the boy; I thought that was good.

Anyways, I hope I helped a little. Keep writing.
Ziggie

I think you got the whole Lucy being envious of Kate thing down perfectly, that was great. But in my opinion I think you should have gone a little bit further than that before she stopped and cried, maybe have her holding her hair tightly and seconds away from pulling it instead of dropping her hand when she was just touching it. Other than that i think it was a good attempt at this story.