Making the most of what?

Today I went for a walk in my head,
when I got to the center I found nothing but darkness and a crowd of hundreds of unhappy mirror images,
they were me in every way just in there unhappy form.
I looked around and could see nothing but unhappiness and darkness,
then in the distance I saw a little yellow glow,
when I went and had a look it was another me but bright and happy,
he was the single happy me in my entire mind at this point,
alone, out of place, different, he had all his qualities, likes and dislikes showing,
he was being who he wanted to be.
So I went on living my life and would always think of that image in my mind.


A few weeks later I went for another walk back in my head and found it was bright yellow with not a single section of darkness,
I had found my happiness and was showing who I really was,
not looking at the negative stuff and living my life at its fullest… isn’t that was life is about?

Welcome to YWS Captain Random!

The poem has turned into a blob of text, that makes it difficult to read and even harder to critique. Most critiques involve looking at the structure of the poem, the flow of the poem, and the imagery of the poem. Right now, it reads like a passage of prose, not as a poem and that is a problem.

I thought the imagery was rather simplistic, the way that the parts in the head were represented by colors. Simply stating a color gives a simple image of yellow. If there was more than just a mere color, then you should describe that image.

I didn't have much to go on, but I hope this critique helped. You should go out and critique the work of other authors as well. Not only will it expose you to different styles and techniques, but it will also encourage others to look at your own work. People can be turned off if they see a person with lots of poems, but no critiques.

thanks for the advice, i asked my friend to read it and he told me to put it in passages but i already posted it up, mabye i'll change it next time i see him. thanks

Griffinkeeper wrote:Welcome to YWS Captain Random!

The poem has turned into a blob of text, that makes it difficult to read and even harder to critique. Most critiques involve looking at the structure of the poem, the flow of the poem, and the imagery of the poem. Right now, it reads like a passage of prose, not as a poem and that is a problem.

I thought the imagery was rather simplistic, the way that the parts in the head were represented by colors. Simply stating a color gives a simple image of yellow. If there was more than just a mere color, then you should describe that image.

I didn't have much to go on, but I hope this critique helped. You should go out and critique the work of other authors as well. Not only will it expose you to different styles and techniques, but it will also encourage others to look at your own work. People can be turned off if they see a person with lots of poems, but no critiques.

thanks for the advice, i asked my friend to read it and he told me to put it in passages but i already posted it up, mabye i'll change it next time i see him. thanks

Hey Cap!

I didn't quite enjoy this poem due to the fact that it is a block of text. Separating them and putting it into stanzas really helps create a better feeling. Another reason why this poem didn't 'catch' me as amazing was that I'm more into the depressing type poems rather than the happy as I feel they show more emotion than these so-called happy ending ones.

You need to make a few changes. I will help with the structure:

Today I went for a walk in my head,
when I got to the center,
I found nothing but darkness
and a crowd of hundreds of unhappy mirror images.

They were me in every way,
just in there unhappy form.
I looked around and all that I could see,
was nothing but unhappiness and darkness.

This is just an example of how it should go.

Hope I wasn't too hard on you.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicofCoter

Yes you were hard on me, this was my first upload, and i am not very good on grammar.