Daddy, Do You Know Me?

Yeah...hope you enjoy.

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Daddy, do you know me?
I think we've met before.
Daddy, do you remember me?
I sincerely hope you do.
Daddy, do you like me?
I heard you loved me so.
Daddy, do you want me?
I bet you wouldn't now.
Daddy, do you miss me?

I never really knew.

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These are just thoughts. Not a story.

Short and a bit dark I liked it never the less though.
I can only assume its about the perspective of a abandoned child that is writing to his/her father. I'm sure lots of people can relate to this (regretfully) yet its always good to know that one is not alone in the problems one might face.
Great Poem!
-Dawn

This poem is much too short and way too weak.

I think it boils down to a lack of character development. There is nothing in the ten lines that really give us an interesting character, either for the father or the kid. There is no way for us to tell if Daddy was a soldier, a traveling salesman, or if he was a bum who just left one day. The narrator isn't particularly interesting either; the questions are completely self absorbed. It all boils down to "what is your opinion of me?" rephrased four different ways. It gets very boring, very quickly.

It would be more interesting if the narrator asked some questions which could tell a story. "Daddy, why did you go?" would be a perfectly legitimate question and it is one which the reader would be interested in knowing.

All in all, this seemed like navel gazing. It would be better if we got more specific details about who Dad was and how his departure impacted the kid. This would give it more significance.

Awww! Dads can be soooo hard to read at times!

Anyway, to the poem! I think the strength of the poem actually lies in the repetition of the questions, coupled with the word "Daddy." The innocence inherent to the narrator is also good! The main thing with this poem that you might want to work on is making it more... poignant, if that's the right word! Like, instead of coupling the thoughts of this poem to my own experiences (and trust me... I have a lot of experiences like this, lol) it seemed like I was wondering where you wanted to lead me.

That makes no sense, sorry. XD

Okay! Let's put it this way, lol.

So you ask all these questions, but you don't really give any conclusions or anything. Like, "I never really knew" isn't really a conclusive ending and I was thinking, "Ahh! Need more direction! What point does this poem have?" But it ended in mid thought... but in a strange way so that instead of wondering about the narrator, I was wondering about the poem. So lead us a little further! It'll be a lot more awesome, honest.

Sorry, but I have no patience for this poem. Or rather, I have no patience for poems like this. Let me explain.

For one, there is nothing emotionally inspiring in this piece. You've tried to convey a story that may or may not be tragic and dysfunctional, but all I really get from reading it is selfish whining. Not to say that that is how you are, but the tone you convey is taking away the control you would otherwise have over this.

In order to fix that, you need to expand on the idea of this. Don't just ask sorrowful questions and leave the reader wanting more background. Give them the background! Show us how the father abandoned the child, if he did that. Was he an alcoholic? A lazy schmuck? Or maybe he joined the military? Or all three! It doesn't matter, as long as you describe what the heck is going on in the narrator's mind that would bring them to such a sad state if being. They might just miss the dad, but you can't just convey that using a silly question directed towards someone who isn't there. Show us using experiences!

Anyways, I hope I could help you a little!

Thanks guys XD

Well in my opinion, peoms can never be too short, don't forget Hiakus. But yes, this is original for it's size I reckon lol. I love the emotional vibe from every line, it gives a real clear picture. Though their could be level of emotions becoming more tense through every line till there's a climax of a finish.
But very good anyway

Sorry had to write my own little opinion on it.

Jake

Hey there Auteur!

I think your poem has some kind of individuality and it's definitely got a clear little message in it. The effect is there, but it's not quite there though. The effect of the repetition of rhetorical questions does make it unique to a certain extent and does make your reader start to think about what you're saying, but there's nothing to stand out. There's no punch in the face, heavy handed impact or a heart wrenching moment that your reader can empaphise with. I think I'm going to have to agree with what Jake mentioned in saying that, there needs to be more tension installed in the line after the previous so that there is a climax or at the very least some kind of dramatic feeling the reader can go away with.
The best bit about this piece of poetry is the use of "Daddy" because it make it feel more personal and informal, so I like the way you've done that. Also, the ending is quite strong. This could be due to the emphasis created by formatting it in italics, but I think it's more because of what you're saying. It's the only real point in the poem where the reader empaphises and feels something.

Anyway, I hope this helped - though I do realise it's more feedback than constructive criticism so I apologise!
Keep writing,
Ben

Hey there, Auteur. How goes it!?

I like this poem. The tone is dark and kind of twisted without being over the top though it is a bit short. I do think you could have really dipped further into this, grabbing onto memories or narrator’s thoughts.
And I have just two little nitpicks.

Daddy, do you remember me?

You use remember here which really stands out. All of the other lines have one syllable words like “miss” and “like” but remember is so long it makes the line stick out and sound funny. Might I suggest one you’ve kind of left out…love?

I never really knew.

For some reason, I think this needs a bit of tweaking with tenses and stuff.
I’ll never really know.
I can’t figure it out, and this is only my opinion, but I think changing it a little would be an improvement.

Still, I liked it, even if it was only really some thoughts. Good job and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore

Hey,

well done. You have summed something up in a stanza, which other's would have slaved over stanza after stanza to create.

Truly excellent. I loved it.
It feels so personal.



~Retro Disco666