Memoirs of a Badass end of chap 1

Okay, the whole title is going to be explained towards the middle of the story, as for Keith the non-bad or evil dealer, that's just him. He's a loner who doesn't want any trouble and he happens to like European art. As the story goes on I hope to build his appeal to the audience.

Around eight-thirty my dad knocked on the door. I was doing my pre-calc homework when he knocked. I got up and stretched my long legs. Some say I should play basketball instead of dealing, but I didn’t see the fun of throwing a ball in a hoop.

“Yeah,” I said as I opened my door.
“Your mother says you gave her lip.” He said as he sat down.
“She just asked where I was,” I shrugged as I leaned against a wall.
“And you couldn’t tell her.”
“I was just out walking and thinking.”
“And you couldn’t tell her that?”
“I guess I should’ve.”
“You’re a senior, when are you going to get a job?” this was a talk I’d been avoiding for a while. What was the point of getting a job if I was banking high on the daily basis?
“Maybe this summer,” I shrugged.
“College?” asked Dad. “We didn’t put you in the best school for nothing.”
I’d do anything to get the talk over with so I mumbled a low yes.
“So, how’s school?” asked Dad.
“Great, my GPA’s three point eight,” I nodded.
“Good, you’re going to get a scholarship with that,” Dad said as he stood up. He looked out my window; Desireé was in view. “You ever talk to her?”

I looked out the window at Desireé, she was pretty, but there was no point in going for it, I was headed out of here.

“No,” I shook my head.
“She taken?” asked Dad.
“Uh,” I had to think, was Desireé taken? I wasn’t sure; I didn’t pay that much attention to her. “I don’t think.”
“Well find out. She’s cute,” Dad winked at me and left.

I looked out the window at Desireé, I shouldn’t get caught up with her, I was a drug-dealing loner. She was Ms. Popular; we were opposites that shouldn’t attract.

I pulled out my iPod and turned to my favorite song, I fell asleep with the lyrics surrounding me.

NITPICKS

“Yeah?” I said as I opened my door.

“Your mother says you gave her lip,” he said as he sat down.

“She just asked where I was.” I shrugged as I leaned against the wall.

“And you couldn’t tell her?”

...going to get a job?” This was a talk...

I was banking high on a daily basis?

I’d do anything to get the talk over with, so I mumbled a low yes.

“Great, my GPA’s three point eight,” I nodded.

Change to: "I nodded. "Great, my GPA's a three point eight."

I looked out the window at Desireé. she was pretty, but there was no point in going for it; I was headed out of there.

Watch your tenses.

“No,” I shook my head.

Change to: "I shook my head and said, "no."

I pulled out my iPod and turned to my favorite song, I fell asleep with the lyrics surrounding me.

Change to: "I pulled out my iPod and fell asleep, surrounded by the lyrics of my favorite song."

In your dialogue, you end basically every sentence the same, with some sort of a "he/she said" thing. Try to break it up a bit.

CHARACTERIZATION
Alright, so the main character's name is Keith, right? Sorry, I haven't read the first part. Anyway, this is basically all I know about Keith
-He's a senior in high school and he's tall
-He lives with his mom and dad
-He doesn't and has never had a job
-He gets good grades
-He sells weed
-He lives in at least a middle class family. I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing, considering the fact that the Father seems concerned about his grades. I know I'm generalizing, but usually only semi-wealthy parents care about their kids grades. Also, he's never had a job, which is also characteristic of a kid whose parents have some money.
-I'm also guessing that he's african american. Sorry! I just saw your picture and that, combined with the girls name, leads me to believe that he's black. Please don't get mad at me, haha. I also think that your mentioning of basketball associates him with African Americans.
----> So, if he is not at least middle class and black, then I'd switch some things around.

Now we gotta talk about how realistic this is. So he's making money off of selling weed? He's a "drug dealer?" First off, it's kind of weird for a high school kid to be considered to be a drug dealer. I've only bought weed from kids in my actual school like twice. Usually the drug dealers are older people, who have at least already dropped out of high school. I mean, its realistic for him to buy, sell, and smoke weed, but its not so realistic for him to be an actual dealer.

I think that the idea of a kid who's mostly stayed out of trouble for his life, gets good grades, etc, and smokes weed is actually a very realistic character. It sounds like half of the kids at my school. It's crazy how some kids can manage to hide it from their parents.

The dad, however, is another story. You need to give him more life. He sounds like a very blahhhhh dad. Like the normal stereotypical dad. Shake it up a bit!

DIALOGUE
In general, the dialogue seems very forced. Especially the conversation on the big which is, I guess, the only conversation in the scene. I don't really know how you can make this better, but I can tell that you use dialogue to sort of lay out the plot line. Like you use the conversation between Keith and his dad to tell the reader about how Keith doesn't really have any plans for his future. And you use dialogue to introduce the character of Desiree. But, this is a little too convenient, especially how everything occurs in one scene. Not everything happens in a... I don't know how to describe it... Linear? way like that.

PLOT
I can already tell that there is going to be some romance between Desiree and Keith. This is just way way way way too cliche. You can't give that away in the first chapter! It makes the reader not really want to read anymore.

OVERALL
First off, if you haven't noticed, there are like a million half-finished novels on this website. They usually get to about chapter 3, and then they give up. I'm a victim of that myself. This is the start of a brand new novel. Are you actually going to finish it out? You might want to try to turn this into a short story instead, and maybe pick one important scene from Keith's life, and write about that.

Oooh, good idea, have him have some conversation with his dad about his future, then have him light up as soon as his dad leaves. Or maybe have him on some other drug. Anyway, have him like have a seizure and then a stroke or something. Good idea. I wanna write about that now.

Sorry, I'm digressing, but anyway, this really does remind me of like half of the other novels on here. It's about a high school kid who doesn't fit in. That covers like half of the other novels on here. The only kinda cool thing is that he's a guy and might actually be black. Wooo.

Anyway, I hope I helped you.
-Lena

Hey Wheadee; I'm Evi. I smiled at the title. Interesting premise you have here, huh? I read over the first part of chapter one just to get a feel for the character.

Before we start: read this article on Dialogue Punctuation by Demeter. You're confusing your periods, commas, and capitals in this conversation. Lena pointed out each individual error, so fix them from her critique, but check out this article to learn the rules. It gets easier with practice! Skim this article of mine, too; it's on semi-colons and commas.

Dad winked at me and left.

Does Keith think it's weird that his dad is winking at him about a cute girl? Or is this pretty typical for his dad? I'm missing the connection between them; their conversation is extremely dry. It's information for the readers, not a naturally progressing conversation, and that shows. Show some interaction. Have Keith think a little bit more. Does his Dad appear worried? Is his family on to him?

Some say I should play basketball instead of dealing, but I didn’t see the fun of throwing a ball in a hoop.

And yet he does see the fun in selling drugs to kids, taking there money for something that could quite possibly ruin them?

This is the most potent example I could find to demonstrate my major concern: Keith. You're walking too fine a line between actual bad-ass and pseudo bad-ass. Right now it seems like you have a nice guy, wanting to go to Europe, not wanting any trouble, likes art, keeps to himself, not interested in girls, keeps up his schoolwork-- and sells drugs. You have two characters here: dealer Keith and laid-back Keith, and you need to make it believable that they're the same guy.

Start with his narration. Where are his qualms? When he's selling, does he get a tell-tale sinking sensation that he tries to fight away? Does his hand hesitate while he's passing the bag? What does he think about this? Right now he's emotionless, operating with one goal in mind: Europe. But people are more complicated. He has to justify to himself what he's doing. Is he worried about his parents finding him out? Does he care at all about the people he sells to?

Get to know Keith a little better, and it'll help a lot. ^_^ Right now you have an interesting character, and if you fix your grammar and start developing these people, you could have a cool story. Here's an example of Caligula's Launderette's soapboxes. It's a long one, I know, but skim the bold section headers to try and find what's relevant to you.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi