Underneath It All [Ch. 1]

Megan Walsh balanced her Prada tote on her arm while she flipped open her cell phone. She furiously tapped on its black keypad and stopped at the front gates of the school. She slid it shut looked around.
Students milled around her, embracing one another, flaunting new haircuts and chatting about summer vacations.
Megan walked into the building and weaved through the throngs of students to get to her locker. The second she eased it open, Taylor Hastings popped in Megan’s face.
“Hey! You look great!” Taylor exclaimed, hugging her friend.
“So do you, Taylor. How was your summer?” Megan asked, tucking a lock of platinum-blond hair behind her ear. Her diamond-studded earrings gleamed in the dull light.
“It was pretty good. I spent it lounging by the pool and tanning.”
“That sounds relaxing. I spent my summer in the library because my parents wanted me to keep up on my studies.” Megan rolled her eyes. Her parents wanted her to be an over-achiever in school, so they made her take extra courses during vacation.
“Ugh. Studying during the summer!? Are you serious?” Taylor sounded disgusted.
“Blame my parents.” Megan eased open her locker. The students didn’t change lockers each year. They kept the same ones until they left high school.
Taylor stood next to Megan and pursed her glossy lips. “What’s your scheduling this year?”
Megan dug her schedule out of her shoulder bag and pressed a glossy pink nail to it. “Got all the courses I wanted.”
“I did too, except for a fine arts elective.” Taylor said.
“Cool. Well, I have to go. See you in our first class together?” Megan anxiously glanced at the clock before turning to walk down the hallway.

The first thing Megan noticed when she entered her homeroom was that Lauren Davis was back. Lauren and Megan had been best friends until Lauren and her family moved to Paris last year.
When she left, she was kind of a loner; she wasn’t friends with anyone but Megan, she rarely talked in class, and spent her weekends doing homework.
As she sat on a desk in homeroom though, she looked like someone who was beyond popular. She was surrounded by students who were gawking, her hair was dyed black and her blue eyes looked more intense than before. She was wearing expensive clothing and was carrying a brand name handbag. She was laughing loudly and it drew the other students to her.
The next thing that Megan noticed was the teacher. He was scrawny, wore tight corduroy slacks and a buttoned shirt. His hair was slicked back. A geeky teacher… how great.
Megan rolled her eyes as the teacher struggled to get the class to attention. After a few quiet attempts, he slammed his briefcase on the desk.
“Please take your seats. My name is Mr. Haring and I’m your homeroom teacher. Please be quiet while I take attendance.”
He stumbled through the class list, just before the bell rang to signal the end of homeroom period.
Megan found Taylor in the jumble of students. They checked their schedules. They had English together, first period.
They slipped through the hallway and came to a door. The window in the door read ENGLISH: 204.
The girls walked into the room. Thirty desks were arranged in rows, and a giant desk overtook the front of the room. A soft breeze was blowing through the open window. Megan and Taylor sat in seats on one end of the room. They set their book bags on the floor seconds before a spindly female teacher walked into the room.
“Good morning. My name is Mrs. Lane and I’m you’re English teacher for the year. For this course, you will need a binder, and a dictionary. Please have these materials for next class.” She turned to the dusty chalkboard and started writing.
Megan opened her pink binder and began neatly copying the notes. She underlined things the teacher said more than once and highlighted everything with a fluorescent highlighter.
Grades were important to her, after all.
Mrs. Lane stopped writing and began flipping through a binder on her desk. Seconds later, Megan’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She slid it open. She clicked on her text messages and gasped.

Megan… Megan… Megan…

Will you cry if your highlighter breaks? If I were you, I’d be careful. If you make a mistake, will you stuff your face and then lock yourself in the bathroom?
Better be careful, sweetie. If your not, I’ll tell everything.
Wouldn’t want that now, would we?

- L

Confused, Megan looked around the room. Her heart pounded. No one else in the room was using a phone.
Who could this be? And how did they know the secret?

Hello, Evil here! I will be reviewing your work today. ^_^

RedRaven wrote:Megan Walsh balanced her Prada tote on her arm while she flipped open her cell phone. I didn't know what a prada tote was until I used google. Please just say bag, or prada bag, or something that will clarify that it is a bag. Also, I'm not sure about the word 'balance', it gave me a funny image of someone actually balancing a bag on their arm. She furiously tapped on its black keypad and stopped at the front gates of the school. Change to, "stopping at the front gates of HER school" Don't put 'her' in caps though. That would be silly. She slid it shut looked around. I thought it was a flip phone?
Students milled around her, embracing one another, flaunting new haircuts and chatting about summer vacations. I don't like 'milled', and I think you should describe the scene more.
Megan walked into the building She kinda teleported across the front grounds, or whatever separates the gate and building. I imagine it's some kind of front ground area. Anyhow, she needs to walk across that first.. and weaved through the throngs of students to get to her locker. The second she eased it open, That makes it sounds as if it was already open. Taylor Hastings popped in Megan’s face. Poor way to describe her approaching Megan. It's almost as if she materialized in front of her.
“Hey! You look great!” Taylor exclaimed, hugging her friend.
“So do you, Taylor. How was your summer?” Megan asked, tucking a lock of platinum-blond hair behind her ear. This was great, but I got the impression you mentioned her doing this just so that we could learn the color of her hair Her diamond-studded earrings gleamed in the dull light. I don't know about this. Schools are usually pretty well lit. If there is a reason for the poor lighting, then do say so.
“It was pretty good. I spent it lounging by the pool and tanning.”
“That sounds relaxing. I spent my summer in the library because my parents wanted me to keep up on my studies.” Megan rolled her eyes. Her parents wanted her to be an over-achiever in school, so they made her take extra courses during vacation.
“Ugh. Studying during the summer!? Are you serious?” Taylor sounded disgusted.
“Blame my parents.” Megan eased open her locker. It was already open! Did you decide to mention this earlier but then forget to delete this part? The students didn’t change lockers each year. They kept the same ones until they left high school. I don't think it's important to know this.
Taylor stood next to Megan and pursed her glossy lips. I always love when lips are described as glossy ^_^ “What’s your scheduling this year?”
Megan dug her schedule out of her shoulder bag and pressed a glossy Use different adjective. pink nail to it. “Got all the courses I wanted.”
“I did too, except for a fine arts elective.” Taylor said.
“Cool. Well, I have to go. See you in our first class together?” Megan anxiously glanced at the clock before turning to walk down the hallway.

The first thing Megan noticed when she entered her homeroom was that Lauren Davis was back. Lauren and Megan had been best friends until Lauren and her family moved to Paris last year.
When she left, she was kind of a loner; she wasn’t friends with anyone but Megan, she rarely talked in class, and spent her weekends doing homework.
As she sat on at a desk in homeroom though, she looked like someone who was beyond popular. She was surrounded by students who were gawking, her hair was dyed black and her blue eyes looked more intense than before. Before what? She was wearing expensive clothing and was carrying a brand name handbag. She was laughing loudly and it drew the other students to her.
The next thing that Megan noticed was the teacher. He was scrawny, wore tight corduroy slacks and a buttoned shirt. Buttoned? If it was unbuttoned, that would be creepy. I would reword this and not say 'buttoned'.His hair was slicked back. A geeky teacher… how great. lol I always examine new teachers like this, too. Good stuff.
Megan rolled her eyes She kinda seems a little angsty here. Let me tell you, it has been done. Give us something to like her about her, because so far, she comes across as a bitch. I can say that, right? It's in the dictionary.as the teacher struggled to get the class to attention. After a few quiet attempts, he slammed his briefcase on the desk.
“Please take your seats. My name is Mr. Haring and I’m your homeroom teacher. Change to: 'I'm your new homeroom teacher, Mr. Haring.' Please be quiet while I take attendance.”
He stumbled through the class list, just before the bell rang to signal the end of homeroom period. That was a very quick homeroom period. I would emphasize that he took a long time to get through the list.
Megan found Taylor in the jumble of students Jumble? If they are sitting at desks, then they are hardly jumbled. It gave me a funny image of a big ball of tangled up kids. They checked their schedules. They had English together, first period.
They slipped through the hallway and came to a door. The window in the door read ENGLISH: 204.
The girls walked into the room. Thirty desks were arranged in rows, and a giant desk overtook the front of the room. A soft breeze was blowing through the open window. Megan and Taylor sat in seats on one end of the room Which end? You can always tell what kind of person someone is from where they sit. They set their book bags on the floor seconds before a spindly female teacher walked into the room.
“Good morning. My name is Mrs. Lane and I’m you’re English teacher for the year. For this course, you will need a binder, and a dictionary. Please have these materials for next class.” She doesn't really speak like an English teacher. Focus on her dialog more and really make sure she sounds like she is teaching the right subject. She turned to the dusty chalkboard and started writing.
Megan opened her pink binder and began neatly copying the notes. She underlined things the teacher said more than once and highlighted everything with a fluorescent highlighter.
Grades were important to her, after all. This is obvious after reading the part before about her neatly writing down notes.Mrs. Lane stopped writing and began flipping through a binder on her desk. Seconds later, Megan’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She slid it open. She clicked on her text messages and gasped.

Megan… Megan… Megan…

Will you cry if your highlighter breaks? If I were you, I’d be careful. If you make a mistake, will you stuff your face and then lock yourself in the bathroom?
Better be careful, sweetie. If your you're not, I’ll tell everything.
Wouldn’t want that now, would we?

- L

Confused, Megan looked around the room. Her heart pounded. No one else in the room was using a phone.
Who could this be? And how did they know the her secret?

Overall, I didn't enjoy this piece that much. It was because I hated Megan. She is the kind of girl I use to avoid in school. The other characters bothered me, too. They didn't seem very unique and didn't have their own personalities. Okay, this is only the first few pages of your story, but I love to get a sense of the characters persona very quickly, but that didn't happen. Well, I learned that Megan is a typical angsty teenage girl, but that wasn't a good thing.

I also disliked the ending. The text message was good, I found that intriguing. BUT, the story suddenly became about her secret, and made me feel that you just wanted to hook readers (not in a manipulating way, like you were just trying to give them something to make them want to read on).

Apart from the text, nothing really happened. It was just an ordinary day at school. I'm not saying that it has to be an excitement packed day or anything, but I do suggest that you start off with something a little more interesting. In fact, start with her reading the text, and then go on to her looking around the class nervously. I personally would have prefered that.

To improve: Make Megan a little more likable, or at least not so unlikable. Be careful when you describe actions. Sometimes just one word can alter the image in a readers mind, and unfortunately, create the wrong image entirely. Like the whole balancing the bag, and the jumble of students. Avoid confusing your readers with inappropriate word use.

Even though I didn't enjoy this, I want to read on. You got me with the text, I want to know who sent it. (Lauren?)

Keep up the work. You'll improve, I promise.

Evil

Hey,

Well, this is MUCH better than the last version of it "Lies of the Pretty Girls' but I still feel it's just another version of it. The writing is brilliant but I suggest at least not having the same secrets as the girls in Pretty Little Liars. I don't mean to be harsh but I can tell that Taylor and Lauren is based off of Aria and Megan is a dead setter on Hannah. People don't like cliches and because of the new publicity PLL is getting I don't think it's wise to have basically the same story. If you changed the plot, not have texting stalkers, not have 4 es-best friends grieving for their missing best friend, not have the same secrets, then it would be a good story. The readers will get bored with this because they all ready know what's going to happen. I'm not trying to be mean, just truthful. To be completely honest, I think you should cold turkey drop this project and work more on Killer Mask. I really liked that and felt it had loads of potential. Your a talented writer, don't waste it writing another PLL story.

~Jasmine Bells