Tessa (more to come when writers block stops)

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The sea stretched for miles like a never ending blanket of blue and out of the country side sprouted luscious green hills with cattle grazing. Tessa sat soaking up the sun on the beach that her holiday house backed onto. She’d missed this place the last few years. They hadn’t come down as her father was so committed to work in the heart of Melbourne. Shed begged and begged him with little success until the recent circumstances finally made him wake up and realise that family should come first. The city was so busy and fast paced everyone was always in a hurry and whilst having an apartment with Yarra river veiws was nice it wasn’t essential to Tessa. After all as far as she was concerned why have that when you could have the ocean on your doorstep. Her father however was in love with the city just as he had her mother up until the day she died. Yet she died questioning whether he still did as he was a man of little or no emotion that had been drained from him when his own mother died. It wasn’t long after their marriage that this death occurred and it happened before Tessa was born. He showed no grief when his wife passed. Leaving Tessa to grieve by herself. Her father wanted to stay with her mother’s memory in the city. Where as Tessa wanted to do the opposite she wanted to escape those memories of her mother and go to the place where the happiest memories where the holiday house. As the apartment whilst it had good ones it also had the pain that her mother was going through in the last few hours of her life. And of course the hideous way she died also played out like a movie in her mind. How anyone could stab someone to death was beyond Tessa’s comprehension. The man charged was mentally ill and the police believed it not to be a personal attack at her mother and her family. But rather just plain bad luck and a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But this didn’t make it any easier for Tessa. As now she felt she was parentless. She had no siblings and her father was as unconnected to her as he had been all her fourteen years of life.

“Night” grunted her father as he passed her room to get to his.
“Night dad” she said weekly back as he disapered through the door closing it behind him with a click. Tessa looked at the photo of her mother on the wall and burst into an uncontrollable wail. Her father didn’t even emerge from his room though this came as no surprise to Tessa. After all it was always her mother who comforted her when she was upset. She’d put a hand on her sholder and tell her how much she loved her and wait until she was calm before planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. ‘I’ll never get that kiss again’ thought Tessa. ‘Or that gentle hand on the shoulder, or hear those heart walming words I love you from my mothers lips again.’ She forced her eyes away from the picture before pulling back the covers of the bed and climbing in.

The water felt divine as Tessa dived into the waters depth feeling the ripples caress her slender form. She wished shed been able to swim with her mother one last time. She wished she was able to have water fights with her mother one last time but she had to face reality. That there were a lot of things she wanted to do one last time but it wasn’t going to happen as you can’t bring people back from the dead. She had to focus on the memories not what could have been. If she were to get through this horrific situation fate or God had thrown at her.
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Wow, thats interesting! I can't wait to see the rest! :)

“Night” grunted her father as he passed her room to get to his.
“Night dad” she said weekly back as he disapered through the door closing it behind him with a click.

These should be:

“Night,” grunted her father as he passed her room to get to his.
“Night dad,” she said weakly back as he disapered through the door closing it behind him with a click.

Weekly would be for every week, verses the oposite of strong; weakly. And you need commas! :D


Also, would you mind breaking it into smaller paragraphs? Its a little hard to read all bunched up.
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Indeed, you do need to work on proper sentence structure and grammatical things. It was hard to read, as well, but it is really very good. Though... the jump from her sitting in the sun to being in her room at night and ten being in the water got me a bit confused.

"The sea stretched for miles like a never ending blanket of blue and out of the country side sprouted luscious green hills with cattle grazing."

A nice starting sentence, but maybe it'd be a bit better like this:

"The sea stretched for miles like a never ending blanket of blue; while in the other direction the country side sprouted luscious green hills with grazing cattle."

Just a suggestion. ;D

Love to hear more of Tessa's predicament. =D




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That poor girl! i would love to see more. As for what the other two said im grammatically challanged so i can't comment on it :D good stuff thought
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It's alright, but there are some problems with it. For instance, you don't use a comma! The sentences drag on; which makes it boring for the reader. Your story is very good, you describe stuff very well, you just need to structure it better and it would be so much better.

Here is an example;

Shed begged and begged him with little success until the recent circumstances finally made him wake up and realise that family should come first.


It should be:

She would beg with little success, until the recent circumstances finally made him wake up, and realise that the family should come first.

Or something along those lines. I'm not good with stories! x]




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there's some really lovely things in here... i love the way you worded the last paragraph. your character is intriguing; I'd love to see more. A few parts seem a bit choppy or something. near the beginning, you kept the repeating the word "died" which was a bit annoying. there's quite a few run-on sentences you could go through and break up, and i second everyone's suggestions to work on rammar anfd sentence structure.

so, mostly just technical stuff.i'm being a nit-picker. the actual writing is ace. keep it coming!!! :thumb:
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs



The poetry of the earth is never dead.
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