Noises - 01

The smell of the dungeons was putrid. I held my breath as I made my way down the winding tunnels, past countless dark beings screeching in tongues and clawing at the bars to their cells. I felt a boiling fury rise within me from being in the presence of such pathetic creatures, and I had to stare straight ahead to keep from slaughtering every living thing in sight.

It was just a few minutes later that I reached my destination. The last cell. In this part of the dungeons the air was hot and thick with sweat and years of decay. I stepped forward, my eyes adjusting to the darkness; there was little candlelight in this cell. Grunting, I bit into the thumb of my left hand. Once I could taste blood, I held my hand out through the bars of the cell and my arm disappeared into the darkness.

The reaction was instant, just as I expected. All I could feel were the hundreds of needles digging into the wound on my hand. I flinched, but allowed the blood sacrifice to be accepted. When my hand was freed, I withdrew my arm and took a step back from the cell. Kade emerged.

Two white eyes opened; the hulking beast towering over me stood at least twelve feet. Its body was covered in slick black scales, each reflecting the almost non-existent glow from the candlelight. I looked up into its blank stare, and said flatly, “I require your services.”

The demon’s torn lips parted, revealing thousands of needle-like teeth. “Ah. Hello, my fine superior. It has been too long.” His voice was strangely high-pitched, and didn’t suit his appearance.

My eyes narrowed. “The war is beginning, Kade. I know not what to do. That is why I’ve come.”

“Oh, I see. No time for casualties?” A sound that might have constituted as a laugh issued from the demon’s throat. “You always were rather rude. I suppose you have reason though, so I will forgive you… this time,” he laughed.

“Quiet. It’s time we discuss what needs to be done.”

“So serious! Alright, let’s begin, shall we? I’m quite certain I know what it is you seek, young one.” Kade grinned, his colorless eyes narrowing. “Once this is done, it is final. You are fully aware of the consequences.”

I nodded, and noticed my hands had begun to shake. Sickened, I dug my nails into my palms and gritted my teeth.

“I know the consequences, demon. Now show me the one I need to end all of this.”

Kade held up a finger. A long, twisted fingernail sprouted upwards and ended at a sharp point. He traced three circles in the air, then closed his fist and opened it again, revealing a small window into the human world. Through the opening I saw a muddy pond, surrounded by wildflowers and a weeping willow tree, its branches barely touching the surface of the water. It could’ve been considered a serene view, but I no longer saw beauty in such trivial things.

“What is this?”

“Where it will happen, of course. Remember it well,” he advised, waving his hand across the opening. It disappeared, and I struggled to hide my confusion.

“Demon! Why did you not show me what I need?”

“I cannot. It is… impossible for me to see. But I can show you where to find it, and that is what I have done.”

I composed myself as best as I could.

“If you’re lying, Kade, I will know. And I’ll send you back to Hell.”
The demon smiled.

“For the love of God, please do.”

I like it.

Hi there Hap. First off, thank you for writing a short story. I love short stories. They make me feel all tickly on the inside. *hands over a plate of jelly beans*

the hulking beast towering over me stood at least twelve feet tall.

I think you need the word ‘tall’ in here to really make this sentence seem complete.

Kade held up a finger. A long, twisted fingernail sprouted upwards and

I don’t know why, but I don’t like ‘fingernail’ here. And the simple fact is that you’re talking about a twelve foot tall, winy voiced monster with inky black scales. He should have claws, not nails. You know what I’m getting at?


Actually, Hap, this is really good. I couldn’t actually find anything that was wrong with it. Those little bits are just recommendations. But this was worth the read.
What really impressed me was the dialogue. Both of your characters sound very unique and that’s always one of the most important things to read in a story.


If you have any questions, please feel free to PM m.

~lilymoore

Comments in red.

Hap wrote:The smell of the dungeons was putrid. How so? Also, sentences work better if it's active and not passive. So maybe change it - make it into something like "A putrid smell clung to the dungeon walls." or something. I held my breath as I made my way down the winding tunnels, past countless dark beings screeching in tongues and clawing at the bars of their cells. I can't imagine scratching at bars. It's just awkward. Having them stretch their arms out beyond the bars - that would be a lot more effective. Aboiling fury rose within me from being in the presence of such pathetic creatures, and I had to stare straight ahead to keep from slaughtering every living thing in sight. Two things wrong with this sentence - one, it's insanely awkward and I'm not even sure how to fix it anymore. Two, it tries so hard to make out the main character as some insanely awesome fearless badass killing machine, but it fails. Bad.

A few minutes later I reached my destination. The last cell. In this part of the dungeons the air was hot and thick with sweat and years of decay. I like this sentence but it's still the same thing as the rest - it smells putrid. oo" I stepped forward, my eyes adjusting to the darkness; there was little candlelight in this cell. Grunting, I bit into the thumb of my left hand. Once I could taste blood, I held my hand out through the bars of the cell and my arm disappeared into the darkness.

The reaction was instant, just as I expected. All I could feel were the hundreds of needles digging into the wound on my hand. The way the entire thing is phrased makes it feel like some time passed before whatever was inside reacted. Also, the second sentence there is weak. Extremely so. Revise. I flinched, but allowed the blood sacrifice to be accepted. Also, a hundred needles digging into his thumb would pretty much chop the thumb off so I doubt he'd just flinch. His tolerance for pain can't be that high. It's impossible and it's breaking the suspension of disbelief. When my hand was freed, I withdrew my arm and took a step back from the cell. Kade emerged. No sigh of relief? And by emerge do you mean he came out of the darkness or he came out of the cell?

Two white eyes opened. The hulking beast towering over me stood at least twelve feet. Its body was covered in slick black scales, each reflecting the almost non-existent glow of the candlelight. I looked up into its blank stare and said flatly, “I require your services.” This last sentence is awkward. Revise. Also, that bit of dialog is extremely stilted. Revise that too.

The demon’s torn lips parted, revealing thousands of needle-like teeth. So the thing bit him. Hard enough for him to feel its teeth. Which means his thumb should be severed. So why does your MC not react to that? “Ah. Hello, my fine superior. It has been too long.” The second part is okay, but the sentence that begins with hello is not. It's very forced. Revise. His voice was strangely high-pitched, and didn’t suit his appearance.

My eyes narrowed. “The war is beginning, Kade. I know not what to do. That is why I’ve come.” Okay look. I think I get it. You're trying to sound serious. But it's not working. Instead it borders on funny. You tried too hard.

“Oh, I see. No time for casualties?” This bit is good. A sound that might have constituted as a laugh issued from the demon’s throat. “You always were rather rude. This sentence is not okay. It's awkward again. Revise. I suppose you have reason though, so I will forgive you… this time,” he laughed.

“Quiet. It’s time we discuss what needs to be done.”

“So serious! Alright, let’s begin, shall we? I’m quite certain I know what it is you seek, young one. Haha. That last bit tried so hard and it was so awkward. I don't know if you're doing this on purpose but if you're not you better fix it asap.” Kade grinned, his colorless eyes narrowing. “Once this is done, it's final. I'm not sure of your word choice there. Rephrase. You are fully aware of the consequences.”

I nodded, and noticed my hands had begun to shake. I think he'd notice the way the light is shaking first. I mean, he's holding the candle so if his hand shakes then the source of light shakes. After that, he'll realize his hands are shaking. Sickened, I dug my nails into my palms and gritted my teeth. So much for the fearless dude you were making him out to be in the first few paragraphs. Be consistent in your characterization.

“I know the consequences, demon. Now show me the one I need to end all of this.”

Kade held up a finger. A long, twisted fingernail sprouted upwards and ended at a sharp point. He traced three circles in the air, then closed his fist With the extremely long fingernail? It'd hurt. and opened it again, revealing a small window into the human world. Through the opening I saw a muddy pond, surrounded by wildflowers and a weeping willow tree, its branches barely touching the surface of the water. It could’ve been considered a serene view, but I no longer saw beauty in such trivial things. Odd, because the way the description was worded it seemed as if he was absolutely taken in by the way it looked. Word choice is incredibly important. More on this later.

“What is this?”

“Where it will happen, of course. Remember it well,” he advised, waving his hand across the opening. Trickster. That scene isn't exactly uncommon in a fantasy world and it's possible to run across several unless there's a specific marker somewhere in the scene. It disappeared, and I struggled to hide my confusion. I don't like this last bit. Revise.

“Demon! Why did you not show me what I need?” Sounds very forced and awkward.

“I cannot. It is… impossible for me to see. But I can show you where to find it, and that is what I have done.” I seriously have no idea what's going on here.

I composed myself as best as I could.

“If you’re lying, Kade, I will know. And I’ll send you back to Hell.”
The demon smiled.

“For the love of God, please do.” Good ending, but I'm not sure abouta demon saying the first part.

Final thoughts:

I have no idea what's going on here and since this is a short story, I'm not expecting any more. It's vague and that's not good. It leaves the reader annoyed and confused because I seriously have no idea what the MC is after, or why the demon showed the MC that place. Because I'm not sure what's going on, I can't crit the plot properly or point out any flaws that might have had something to do with the plot.

Kade stole the show. That's not good. The villain has to be at par with the protagonist. They have to be equally compelling people that can both hold their own in a scene. When you put them both in the same room, both of them should attract your attention. Both of them should captivate you, draw you in and disgust/attract you equally. I find that if one steals the show it's not much fun. Try to make them as even as possible as this keeps conflict and tension at high levels, and that's a good thing.

Your protagonist's characterization is inconsistent. I'm seriously not sure what to think of him because in one part you tell us he's this fearless killing machine thing and later on you show that he's actually afraid of some things. I like the second version better because he seems more human towards the end. So edit the first part to mesh with your characterization of him in the second part.

I like how the description wasn't dumped on us all at once, but I think you can still do a better job than you already did.

Next, pick your words carefully. This piece is riddled with stiff sentences and forced dialog. The sentences and words need to flow naturally so that they'll be easy to read. You cannot stuff things into your characters' mouths. Let them speak to you.

Anyway, that's my opinion. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Thank you all so much for the critiques.
My apologies as well, this is not a short story - I will be continuing this.

Hap

Moved to Fantasy Novels, then. For future reference, please post all continuing pieces in the genre-appropriate novel sub-forum.