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This is really interesting, i like the names of the characters and the way you begin the story. But you need to go through and re-read it becasue if you do you will be able to fix a lot of the little errors. Your writing is really interesting but I think you should make the story more detailed, maybe go through and describe the setting, use similies and things. Good luck can't wait to read more!
-Snickerdooly

Hi!

Here is your requested review. Hope I can be of assistance--I'm really liking what I've read so far.

Ok, on to the review! A few line-by line comments, and then I'll get to overall stuff.

It is a stormy, dark night.

Nice way to get the mood right off, but this is kinda overused as a weather description.

I am King Mika of the Avelvans, a race of magical beings that defy the wicked King Jorell, ruler of the land that humans and Avelvans share. King Jorell sent soldiers after us, and my wife was killed, and I, mortally wounded. Fortunately, I was able to hold them off with magic and was able to escape. So Lilla will not share the same fate as her mother, I must give her away to a friend and one of the only humans that is an ally of the Avelvans.

Big info drop here, and sounds very awkward. If I were him, I probably wouldn't be thining that way. Maybe just have him mention a gasp of pain that is un-kingly? Or whisper to his daughter so she doesn't cry? And maybe he's tired from the magic? Use your creativity here, and show us this happening instead of telling us right off.

We arrive at the man’s house. I knock on the door, a sharp pain erupting in my shoulder as I do so. A tall, tanned man answers the door. He is in his early twenties with black hair and ocean-blue eyes that are both wise and probing. That same pair of eyes probes me with curiosity. I survey my surroundings to make sure no one is watching. When I am positive we are safe from meddling eyes, I remove my hood of my cloak to reveal my identity.

If he has been 'mortally wounded' we can probably assume that he can't do this very easily without a ton of pain. (especially carrying Lilla)

“I know it is a huge favour to ask, and it is so sudden, but I need you to raise her. Soldiers are after me, and some have already wounded me, and killed Lilla`s mother. I can’t let that happen to her.”

Woah, this sounds almost offhand: "oh, by the way, do you mind raising my daughter for me? I'm afraid I won't be able to."

Besides, he's in a hurry, right? (This is just an idea: "They're after me. I need you to help me. Here, take her.") You know, that kind of thing.

Upon moving my arm, pain shoots through out it, all the way up to my shoulder. The pain is so intense; I drop to my knees. I feel what little strength I had left, draining out of me. Blackness envelops me, like a soft blanket. My last thoughts are that Zobra will never see me again, and Lilla won’t ever have the chance to know me.

This is also very sudden. I'd either make his arm worse in the beginning or have him be really struggling to stay upright while he hands the baby over. Otherwise it's just: "here, take my baby! *keels over*"

I have always been different then the rest of the people in my village. Everything that defines who and what I am has made me different, strange, foreign, an outsider. My behavior, my personality, even my physical appearance separates me from everyone else. My complexion is deathly pale, unlike all the tanned villagers who labor in the fields. Unlike your typical blond, red, black, or brown hair, my hair is a cross between blond and silver. And my eyes, they are a purplish-blue hue that no one has ever seen. Don’t even get me stared on my facial features... they are elfish looking, you could even say similar to that of a fairy. Did I also mention my deadly secret? I can perform magic. Healing, summoning objects, manipulating the weather, and controlling the elements of earth, air, fire, and water. For years, I have practiced these skills at night, and even though I am good, I still have trouble controlling my powers. This makes me dangerous. Perhaps, this is why I was given up at birth.

I love the idea here, but it would be much better if you could show all of this instead of telling us about it. Show her using magic (the making the fire warmer bit is awesome, by the way). Show her getting weird looks. Or, better yet, don't tell us any of this now. After all, everyone would sort of get used to her after a while anyway, wouldn't they? It would only be when someone new sees her that they would notice.

And (this is just a personal note) purple eyes are extremely over done in fantasy novels. Personally, I think it would be rather creepy to see someone with purple eyes (actually, if you want it to be creepy to other people, that would be kinda cool) and I'm not sure why they seem to be the desirable trait in fantasy novels. Anyway. On with the story.

If only I could use my powers, but I wanted to use my powers to help, not to harm. Besides, it would cause me even more trouble. What would happen to me? I shuddered to think about it. I imagined myself being placed on an altar, about to be a sacrifice to the gods. When I focused my attention on the present, my foster father was standing between Madaia`s mother and I.

Steryotype--evil/mean step relatives. Avoid avoid avoid! They are people too, so give them more than one dimension. Also, seriously? "I want to help, not harm." This is a good sentiment, but I think you could phrase it in a way that is unique to the character.

On the other hand, I love the sacrifice to the gods part, as it gave a very unique feel.

"I won’t stop you he reassures me, “but we need to talk.”

Missing punctuation here.

Also, I kindof wonder why she's decided to leave all of a sudden. It's good that you're starting the story where she leaves them, but it still feels like she'd need more provocation in order to suddenly abandon the people she's lived with all her life. At least she could plan a little more?

but it becomes s easier the longer I walk

Extra 's' here.

Overall:

I like this beginning. It shows tons of promise.

Just a few things:

A) Characters. Lilla's.... Ok. At the moment. She could be much much more unique/have a stronger voice, though. Also, her family is waay too cliched. I liked her step-father though. The characters' reactions could use a lot of work, though.
B) A bit more description would be nice. Personally, I like a lot more idea of what's going on.
C) Cliches in general--this plot has been done waaaay too many times, so you're going to have to be very very very careful not to be too cliche.
D) Tenses--watch out for them. I noticed quite a few places where you changed briefly.

Hope I helped!

Lupis

I can see most of the nitpicks have been taken care of, and since your grammar is nearly impeccable, I've nothing to say on that front.

I can't believe you write so well! I hadn't gotten quite the handle on words that you have when I was thirteen. How exciting is it to be so gifted, girl? Ahem, but of course, as ninja-master of--er, no wait. As a fifteen-year-old writer who's had nearly, hmmm, wow, eight years of experience in the authoritorial - haha, not a word, but it's awesome - world, I naturally have a few ideas. Simply to enhance the excellence that's already there, you understand.

First, I feel perhaps you should keep an eye out when it comes to cliches. You've done pretty darn well avoiding them so far (and as Terry Pratchett says, they can be very useful sometimes, and not always bad), but one thing is bothering me. Jackamal's wife, you know? It just seems so...incongruous. Sure, it makes sense she'd be resentful of Jackamal dumping another child on her to take care of, but in real, human life, would she be so cruel as to make the girl start working when she was five? And would Lilla grow up so sweet and so often forgiving? Sure she loses it once, but that's after eleven years of utter servitude to two total jerks - stepmother and stepdaughter - and an apathetic stepfather who never defends her. I'd suggest you go over your characters here, maybe tone down the servitude thing to something more like petty favoritism. Madaia gets more food and a warmer place to sleep, etc etc, while Lilla is left to fend for herself with much less. It seems to be a bit more realistic than a Cinderella type plot, don't you think?

I actually liked your characters, which somehow seems awfully rare for me these days. So often they're these little cardboard scraps that go around muttering cliche junk about love and life and the unfairness of their parents. You've grasped the concept of real dialogue much better, and I do, as I said, like Lilla, even though Jackamal is annoying. I hate push-over guys, bleck. xD So keep up the good work on that front.

Next, I was wondering about Jackamal's reaction to Lilla leaving. I know it's necessary to the movement of the plot, but it confused me. So here's a naive sixteen-year-old girl - who also, it turns out, is the princess of the Alvelvans - and she's trying to run away from home. Makes sense, makes sense. She packs her stuff together, gets a map, maybe guiltily takes a little money from her abusive step-parents. Makes sense, yes yes. Her stepfather catches her running away and not only doesn't get mad at her for stealing his belongings when he's kept her in his house for sixteen years, but also gives her extra money and spurs her on her way, with much blessing and sweet embraces. Doesn't that seem a bit, I don't know, out of place to you? If you'd sheltered a girl in your house for sixteen years, and even if she was unfairly treated at times, wouldn't you be mad if you caught her running off with your food, your money?

Okay, okay, let's say for the sake of argument that he forgave her for that. Would you send your daughter, stepdaughter, or really any sixteen-year-old girl out into the world with no protection? No friends, no brothers or bodyguards, just some food and a map? Seems a bit strange, even if she did have control of her magic - which, as you so clearly point out, she doesn't - and could protect herself. Just think about that, okay? Whenever I feel like something isn't realistic or doesn't match up with the characters, I just ask myself, Would he do that? Would she? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's no. So I suggest you do that. Ask yourself, Would Jackamal let his stepdaughter go? Especially considering she's been entrusted to him expressly by her dying father, the king of the Alvelvans.

Anyways, that's my two bits. Do PM me when the next part's on, won't you? And happy writing!

-SELA