Eternal Nothing

Eternal Nothing
It is a night of dark desire, a song of blood,
wolves vent their howls. The ethereal one
awakens.

Mist shrouds her pale form,
an everlasting desire.

Her almond shaped eyes,
glinting like stars,
through galaxies and space alike,
I laugh by her side.

Her raven hair cascades over
her pale and delicate shoulders, and her
scarlet lips part slightly,
to taste the
red tears streaming from the
pale flesh
beneath her.

Now a night of darkness,
I weep.

I was not feeling this poem very much, it was lacking some sort of awe I was looking for. Most likely because I am a huge vampire fan and I believed you overplayed this. You gave to much away by telling what the poem was about. Let the reader(s) (myself and others)have a sense of what to expect. Overall, this poem was okay, try to rewrite this in a way till you don't give everything away in to first sentence. Keep Writing!

-M.H.Darling

Hi,

I loved the "I weep" at the end.

I'd cut references to blood and wolves and darkness etc and instead use different images to represent the danger of this romance. Forgetting paleness and raven hair, describe the girl. Suggest the vampire's feelings for her through how she is described, her little actions, the tiny details of her face and so on. What is it that makes this relationship so tragic? Show us, don't tell us.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey there!

First and foremost, I think the language you've chosen in this has very good effect. It crafts some particularly vivid imagery in the first stanza. I therefore praise your choice of vocab! However, in terms of how you've put it together, I'm kind of drifting between a fantasy effect and something surreal, which backs up what you've said you're writing about. Although, I wonder if I'd have thought the same without the Author's note? I'm not too sure. What I'd suggest is adding more lines that truly portray the emotions of the love and have a real emphasis on the fantasy side. Maybe cut down on the blood and darkness reference too, bring in emotion and surreality.

wakens.

It's upto you, but I think "awakens" might work better here.

pale and delicate shoulders

Who's pale and delicate shoulders? Hers? If so I think you need another "her" at the start of this because it'll improve the clarity and in reflection the conveyance of your poetry's meaning.

Hope this review helped,
Ben