Something I Dug out of my Files (The start of a prologue)

(As the title says, I found this in the back of my computer files. I didn't realize I still had it! This was written... last year, I believe. I got the idea from a TV show, though the story is mine. Basically, there was a line from the show that sparked my imagination... happens often with me. Anyway, here it is. I'll probably get into rewriting it soon. )

It was dark in the alleyway, the moon shining dimly overhead. A pair of black, beady eyes glinted, before a large gray mouse leaped out of the shadows, swinging around just in time to dodge sharp teeth. The mouse skidded, flicking his half-ear. He had lost the other half of it during another battle. The snake in front of him hissed sinisterly, banded brown tail whipping around to its side. Then, without warning, it lunged for the rodent, barely missing as the mouse jumped up.

“Nice move, Hookfang,” The mouse commented in a sly tone, landing on the ground not too far away. “One would think you’d done this before.”

“Such big talk for a rodent,” Hookfang, the snake, retorted, shaking his head, before sliding around to face the creature. “But you won’t be talking for long, pathetic scrap of fur.”

The mouse winked. “Scrap is my name, after all.”

“Enough of your games!” Hookfang lunged for the mouse again, this time his long fangs showing.

Scrap leaped to the side, scratching his tiny claws over Hookfang’s eyes. It was a small hit, and didn’t cause any injury, but it distracted the snake long enough for him to dash off into the rubble that lined the dark pavement. He panted, constantly glancing over his shoulder as he bolted for safety- the old bank. Not even the dumbest snake would go to that place. Only the mice of the city would enter.

As he slid in through the open door, paws burning on the rough carpet, he slowed his pace, scurrying in the direction of a small hole in the tawny-colored wall. He followed the small, dark tunnel until entering a small square-shaped room. There were many other mice here, lying about.

“Scrap!” A voice made him jump. He recognized Greg’s voice, and turned to see the black rat holding something in his paws. “Status report!”

“What’s it like out there?” An albino rat named Debra asked, breaking into a coughing fit afterwords. Scrap knew that she had always been a sickly rodent, and that her sickness had only gotten worse recently.

“Narrowly escaped a bite from Hookfang,” Scrap shook himself. “He’s leading the attack group this time.”

“What about the others?” Greg demanded. “Where are Otto and Boris?”

“Still out there, I suppose.”

Greg narrowed his eyes for a moment, before glancing at a white rat. “Crash, go out and find them. Call a retreat.”

“Yes sir,” Crash, who’s real name was Fredrick, nodded, bolting out past Scrap.

(Nice, eh? No... not really... Feel free to critique and comment.)

Hi Bugwhisker! (I like your name, by the way.)

I'm Freyja, and first of all I just have to say, "Snaaaaaaaake! " I love snakes, so I'm happy to see a snake here, even if he is the bad guy.

I like it so far. It seems like it's a sort of gang-centered story, but with...mice and snakes. Interesting!

So, let's see. Corrections in red; comments in blue.

(As the title says, I found this in the back of my computer files. I didn't realize I still had it! This was written... last year, I believe. I got the idea from a TV show, though the story is mine. Basically, there was a line from the show that sparked my imagination... happens often with me. Anyway, here it is. I'll probably get into rewriting it soon. )

It was dark in the alleyway, the moon shining dimly overhead.>>This isn't such a strong opening line; the part that saved it is that it's in an alleyway, and all the interesting things happen in alleyways, right? XD Try combining this sentence with half of the next. i.e. (and this is just a suggestion) "A pair of beady eyes flashed in the moonlit alleyway." That way you have a bit of action (even if it's just eyes glinting) and you make the reader want to see what's lurking in the alley. Then you can go on to the mouse dodging the teeth. A pair of black, beady eyes glinted, before a large, gray mouse leaped out of the shadows, swinging I like how it swings; good word choice.around just in time to dodge sharp teeth. The mouse skidded, flicking his half-ear (try) which he had nearly lost (reduces the wordiness) during another battle. The snake in front of him hissed sinisterly, banded brown tail whipping around to its side. Then, without warning, it lunged for the rodent, barely missing as the mouse jumped up.

“Nice move, Hookfang,” The mouse commented in a sly tone, landing on the ground not too far away. “One would think you’d done this before.” I love it.

“Such big talk for a rodent,” Hookfang, the snake>>maybe take out "the snake," as we know at this point that Hookfang is a snake, retorted, shaking his head before sliding around to face the creature. “But you won’t be talking for long, pathetic scrap of fur.”

The mouse winked. “Scrap is my name, after all.” I like that you tell us the mouse's name without saying "The mouse was named Scrap, blah blah." Nice job.

“Enough of your games!” Hookfang lunged for the mouse again, this time his long fangs showing.

Scrap leaped to the side, scratching his tiny claws over Hookfang’s eyes. It was a small hit, and didn’t cause any injury, but it distracted the snake long enough for him to dash off into the rubble that lined the dark pavement. He panted, constantly glancing over his shoulder as he bolted for safety- the old bank. Not even the dumbest snake would go to that place. Only the mice of the city would enter.

As he slid in through the open door, paws burning on the rough carpet, he slowed his pace, scurrying in the direction of a small hole in the tawny-colored wall. He followed the small>>actually, try replacing small with "narrow" or some other synonym, as you've already used "small" to describe the hole., dark tunnel until he entered a small>>"small" again. Replace? square-shaped room. There were many other mice here, lying about.>>Try saying they were lounging about, because when I first read "lying" about, I kinda thought they were dead. haha...

“Scrap!” A voice made him jump. He recognized Greg’s voice, and turned to see the black rat holding something in his paws. “Status report!” Holding something? What was he holding? Something to take down the status report?

“What’s it like out there?” An albino rat named Debra asked, breaking into a coughing fit afterwords. Scrap knew that she had always been a sickly rodent, and that her sickness had only gotten worse recently.

“Narrowly escaped a bite from Hookfang,” Scrap shook himself. “He’s leading the attack group this time.”

“What about the others?” Greg demanded. “Where are Otto and Boris?”

“Still out there, I suppose.”

Greg narrowed his eyes for a moment, before glancing at a white rat. “Crash, go out and find them. Call a retreat.”

“Yes sir,” Crash, who’s real name was Fredrick,>>Why do they call him Crash? Interesting...! nodded, bolting out past Scrap.

(Nice, eh? No... not really... Feel free to critique and comment.)

You have a good variety of characters that seem to be pretty well-developed. As far as prologues go, it's nice, not too short, but not too long, and gives us some semblance of something about to happen. A nice balance of action and downtime.

The only things I had to nit-pick have been pointed out already, and so I'll leave you to it. Can't wait to see more! If you want me to check out the next parts, PM me.

Peace, and good luck!
Freyja out.

(by the way, I'm taking the snake with me... *grabs snake and goes.*)

Aw, don't take Hookfang, Freyja! I need him for the story!

Thank you for the review. I did notice that I overused the word "small" in this piece. Ha ha... I will probably be rewriting this sometime soon. It's a bit unclear in some parts, and it's missing some of the major characters.

As far as the characters being developed, most of them only have names and histories.

Once again, thank you!
~~Bugwhisker

P.S. I'm glad you like my name.

Who's should be Whose, you know.

Stori wrote:Who's should be Whose, you know.

Yes, I know. Do remember that this was written a year ago. I've improved a lot- when it comes to writing- since then.

Bugwhisker wrote:Aw, don't take Hookfang, Freyja! I need him for the story!

Thank you for the review. I did notice that I overused the word "small" in this piece. Ha ha... I will probably be rewriting this sometime soon. It's a bit unclear in some parts, and it's missing some of the major characters.

As far as the characters being developed, most of them only have names and histories.

Once again, thank you!
~~Bugwhisker

P.S. I'm glad you like my name.

Fine... *gives Hookfang back.* My snake was getting jealous, anyway.

Haha. What I meant by developed was that they all had a bit of personality and none of them seemed like cardboard stand-ups. Histories: you'd be surprised how much personality a character will get when you just take five minutes to write a brief history, so the fact that you did that makes a lot of difference.

Anyway. Good job again. Looking forward to the rewrite!

This is a great start!

The only things I see right now have to do with the pacing, but I think your concept is sound. I am having trouble visualizing the setting, and I think if you slowed down at the beginning and gave the reader a chance to get his or her bearings, it would be easier to become involved in the story.

You should finish this! I would definitely want to read more!