Mr.Helium

Hello Mr.Helium,
You float so very high,
Up into the burning blue sky,
yet don't understand why.
You hit your head
On the shining stars,
On some satellite,
Reddened by mars.
You grimace at the earth,
for all its damning worth,
yet, you love it so,
and have to go,
back to the grass,
sea, salt and snow.

So you pop your head,
on some comet.
It makes you spin,
twist and vomit.
But you come back,
Deflated and dead,
but you love the earth so,
because its earth... you know?

Quick poem I did in citizenship at school

Hi,

This is very original and I really enjoyed it. "Hello Mr.Helium" is great.

I'd cut either 'burning' or 'blue' as they make the line too long. Personally I'd cut 'blue' as I find 'burning' a more interesting description of the sky.

I'd change "on some comet"-I love the image of the comet but it forces you to rhyme with vomit which undercuts spin and twist which were great words to use. I'd also change "love the earth so" as I think it sounds a bit forced.

Thanks for an interesting read. Hope this helps,

Jas

P'raps you should capitalize "earth."

Thanks for the comments

I literally did it in 3 minutes at the end of the lesson, because I just finished some work I had to do. Ah, poop, I meant to capatalize earth, oopsie!