Rising Moon Ch. 1

I haven't posted anything in a while... please be nice but helpful at the same time. If that's possible. XD BTW sorry it's not much, but I didn't really have a lot of time XP Thanks! ~Rose

A light flashed and tires squealed. Those were the last things I thought I would ever see/hear when I my car went spinning off the highway and into the ocean. I fell for what felt like forever, waiting for my death. Finally time sped up again and I was falling fast now. And then a miracle happened a foot before I hit the ocean. My car stopped where it was... as if it had hit some sort of road. I quickly glanced out of my window, as though a mere glance would destroy this 'road'. Suddenly a shadow flew past my windshield and seemed to stare at me. For some reason this didn't scare me and I stared back at it. The shadow nodded and then moved on. Curious, I cautiously opened my door and stepped out lightly. Amazingly I was walking on water, or at least a foot above it. The usually rough ocean was now calm and a deep dark blue that seemed more inviting than scary. The shadow looked back at me, as if telling me to follow it. Breaking my usual rule of being consistently cautious I followed it bravely. Slowly the shadow moved faster and then toward the sky. When it was about a yard off the 'road' I realized I was also in the air. Maybe I shouldn't have put wine in my cereal this morning... I thought to myself as I looked down and shook my head. The stars around me were making me dizzy, but somehow I felt this need, more of an urge, to follow it. Like it was my destiny.
An hour later an astounding fact hit my mind that apparently hadn't occured to me before. I was approaching the moon, and the shadow had been leading me there. I stopped in mid-step. Should I go on? Shouldn't I? The shadow looked back at me expectantly. Like it wanted to know if I was coming...

"Who are you?" I asked the shadow. The shadow didn't reply back, but instead seemed as if it was raising it's eyebrows then nodded at the moon. For some reason this was a good enough answer for me. No logical statements like isn't this dangerous? Or this can't be happening, your walking to the moon! THERE'S NO OXYGEN! No, instead I felt a strong urge to follow this strange shadow. This urge I felt was the only motivation I needed to follow it. And so I did. And as the sun rose and the moon had almost disappeared we arrived at the moon. And what faced me was the most amazing, impossible thing ever. The face of the moon was smiling at me and spoke to me.

"I've been waiting for you Haley."

Job well done indeed. Do continue. It's an incredibly good start - looking forward to seeing more from you.

Hey! Ill be your reviewer today! I really hope I am always nice and at the same time helpful when giving reviews, but if I'm not please forgive me.

First, just some general comments to start off. I really think this is a good first draft. Your idea is rather original and intriguing, and that is the first step to creating any great piece. Now to the bat-mobile - er, review!

A light flashed and tires squealed. Those were the last things I thought I would ever see/hear when I my car went spinning off the highway and into the ocean.

I have a couple issues with these first lines. One, is the first sentence. I think it will add more impact if you lead with the fact that she thought she was dead. I would put that in the first sentence instead because it will really get readers interested. The second thing is the dash between hear and see. Not only can a dash within prose be a little awkward for your reader to go over, but it also jolts them out of your story because they are focusing on the dash. So I would just change the dash to "and" or "or"

I fell for what felt like forever, waiting for my death. Finally time sped up again and I was falling fast now.

This section needs more descriptors and more detail. You want the reader to feel the emotions of your Main Character, to be enthralled. To do this, you need to add more significant detail. Show the reader what is happening, create a picture for them. What does the air sound like as it is running past the car? What does the MC feel when time is slowing down? Are there any final thoughts running through her head? Does she feel removed from the whole incident? During those few seconds what does the car feel like under her? etc. There are many more details you could ask yourself for and add. Not only will it add drama to the piece, it also allows the reader to get to know your MC more through her emotions and reactions. Another way to create drama is to use shorter sentences or sentence fragments. There is a rather good article about fragments from About.com here, it gives some good examples. The one trick with fragments is not over use them.

Suddenly a shadow flew past my windshield and seemed to stare at me. For some reason this didn't scare me and I stared back at it.

I would take out the "and" and put a period after me, because the two sentences don't really seem to be related that much. The other thing I would think about doing here is expanding on why your MC was not scared. Did she somehow feel detached from the events? Was the atmosphere other-worldly? etc.

Breaking my usual rule of being consistently cautious I followed it bravely.

Comma after cautious

Slowly the shadow moved faster and then toward the sky.

I'm getting the feeling you really like the word "and." No worries. I am quite fond of run-on sentences myself. You just have to watch that every time you use the word it is absolutely necessary. I would change this to: The shadow moved faster then, towards the sky. I got rid of slowly because that adverb is particularly confusing when your talking about someone moving faster.

Maybe I shouldn't have put wine in my cereal this morning,I thought to myself as I looked down and shook my head. The stars around me were making me dizzy, but somehow I felt this need, more of an urge, to follow it.

My corrections are in in red. Also I would change the last it to "the shadow" just for clarity.

An hour later an astounding fact hit my mind that apparently hadn't occurred to me before. I was approaching the moon, and the shadow had been leading me there.

When I see the verb hit there, I picture a weighty, yet some how wispy white "thought" smacking your MC in the forehead. Unless that is the effect you wanted, I would suggest reworking that sentence without using the verb "hit." Also, if it has only been been an hour and your MC is approaching the moon, she seems to be going faster than humanly possible. You might want to mention how that is possible. If your MC doesn't know why it is possible, I would have your MC just realize that she going faster than normal.

"Who are you?" I asked the shadow. The shadow didn't reply back, but instead seemed as if it was raising it's eyebrows then nodded at the moon.

This is an absolutely great time to describe the shadow. What does his face look like? How would one guess those were his eyebrows he was raising? Is he black and wispy, white and solid? etc.

No logical statements like isn't this dangerous? Or this can't be happening, your walking to the moon! THERE'S NO OXYGEN!

I think your missing the phrase "occurred to me" somewhere in there.

Your MC is in space, right? That's really amazing and really interesting, but you hardly mention the space itself. That leaves it up to the reader to create the environment, with very little to go on. What does it look like? What does it feel like? How is is different from earth? What does your MC think of it? What is she feeling? I mean she's in space. How would you feel if you miraculously got up into space following a nameless shadow?

I also think it is necessary to address a couple practical things, like how your MC is breathing in space, and how she got there without burning up. It good be a simple two sentences, for example:

Strangely, I felt no different in space than I did on earth. I was unaffected by my environment.

or something more elaborate. I just feel that a mention needs to be included somewhere.


One final tip: When writing, its generally a good idea to create a picture of whats going on. To show the reader the setting environment and action, instead of telling them. That really is easier said than done, but the more you work at, the easier it is.

Well that's all I have! I hope it helped. Always feel free to PM me. Keep Writing! You have an interesting premise here.

-Turquoise

portersrose wrote:
A light flashed and tires squealed. Those were the last things I thought I would ever see/hear when I my car went spinning off the highway and into the ocean.

Ok, the "I" in "when I my car" should NOT be there... Well, grammar grammar grammar... Sorry... I know, I am a GRAMMAR FREAK! If you know me (hee hee) you should know that. But, uh, good!