in the shadows

Sitting in the darkness
I write this as I think
That if I never met you
Would in these tears I sink?

If I never told you
The words I dread to say
Would it really matter
If I lived today?

I know that I don’t matter.
don’t say its me you need
But remember you’re the reason
My wrists so often bleed.

I don’t care what you think of me
I don’t care what you say.
But in my dreams we’re friends again,
Until the break of day.

So I’ll sit here in the shadows,
My face turning a tint of blue.
I slip into the darkness.
And still I think of you.

screamandshout wrote:Sitting in the darkness
I write this as I think
That if I never met you
Would in these tears I sink? I know what you're trying to say but it's a little choppy, you may want to reword that, but you don't really need to. It'd a touch up thing, you know?

If I never told you
The words I dread to say
Would it really matter This is alright. You may want to include some imagery.
If I lived today?

I know that I don’t matter.
don’t say its me you need
But remember you’re the reason
My wrists so often bleed.

I don’t care what you think of me if this person is the reason why you slit your wrists, you obviously care. It kinda contradicts.
I don’t care what you say.
But in my dreams we’re friends again,
Until the break of day.

So I’ll sit here in the shadows,
My face turning a tint of blue.
I slip into the darkness.
And still I think of you.

I liked your ending, I felt a nice stabbing pain, a tint of blue can be almost anything and I love how it can give more than one line, in one line. Like it could mean twilight hour so you're tinted blue from not being able to sleep. Suffocation. Extreme cold. Just to name a few =], good job there, I really do like it.

As for your rhyme, it's okay, it's not too natural but it doesn't feel too forced, so congrats there, you'll probably get more natural rhymes as you continue to get more comfortible with them.

Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

Awww, this is a sad poem. And really, you do matter, more than you'd ever realize! Why? Because all our lives seem to touch together in a strange way and we are all connected. So it's important that we all love each other and stuff... which is CLEARLY not happening in this poem!

Anyway! There's a couple of things that you can do to possibly edit this poem and make it prettier! First off, like silented suggested, you can describe why she slits her wrists. We kind of know the feeling, but if you want a stronger impact, you would describe it more. Next off, you can try to make the rhyme a little less jarring. Right now, it's a little bit strange!

So hopefully, that helps! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Hello, I'm LastPaladin this poem doesn't make me do anything but roll my eyes, it follows same tired formula which at this point is just beginning to annoy me. This really doesn't help pull readers in. Now, to begin with my main problem is how this begins, it's very 'Woe is me'

Sitting in the darkness
I write this as I think
That if I never met you
Would in these tears I sink?

Firstly it's cliche, extremely cliche, you use the idea of darkness and writing about it all and then exclaiming you're crying and you're wondering if you'd be crying if you haven't met them. That just extremely generic.

You also begin to ask questions each stanza but never try answer them, if you're going to ask something within a poem, at least try to answer it:

If I never told you
The words I dread to say
Would it really matter
If I lived today?

Also there no proper punctuation within this, and I'm sorry to say it doesn't work here. In fact it only hinders. Pro-tip use punctuation least 99% of the time within poetry.

I know that I don’t matter.
don’t say its me you need
But remember you’re the reason
My wrists so often bleed.

To add this is where you lost my interest as it came across as emo. There nothing at all original about this stanza. And there no imagery that keeps readers alert or at least interested.

I could go on with each stanza but pretty sure my point been made. You just don't hook anyone, overusing cliches, avoiding punctuation and coming across as utter navelgazing. I wish i could say there something I liked about this. But really nothing stood out except maybe 'blue tint' line but my advice here is approach it from a different angle.

Hope this helps.

Hey screamandshout!

Just wait a minute, need to dry the tears from my eyes (figuratively). It's so sad. But that's what I like about it-I'm not a big fan of the happy poems unless they make me laugh. I like sad poems because I think they can show more emotion than happy ones do. And this one was exploding full of emotions! The rhyming worked really well and the length was just perfect! Nothing bad to say! Good luck with future pieces!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter