Raising Fame

"NIKKI, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" Victoria screeched.

Rachael Lawrence had been the apprentice of the famous pop musician Victoria Spark for three years now, and Victoria still doesn't get her name right.

"Coming!" Rachael replied, annoyed with how her boss didn't know her name.

Rachael raced to where Victoria's screaming voice was coming from, and found it was the bathroom.

OK Rachael prepare yourself. You know it can't be good when Victoria calls from the bathroom... Rachael thought, remembering a bad memory she had had with Victoria. But then again, when did she have a good memory with her boss?

Rachael slowly creaked the door open and replied, "Victoria?"

"I need you to clean this up!" Victoria screamed.

Rachael opened the door more, knowing this had to be bad. Rachael looked up, trying to have a few more moments of clean hands.The bathroom had orange walls and had flowers on them. It reminded Rachael of some place foreign and beautiful. But the smell ruined the beauty. It smelled very bad, like someone wasn't flushing the toilet in this room.

"What do I need to clean up?" Rachael asked, slightly cautious because she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary.

"This!" Victoria screamed, pointing to a pile of paper towels behind the toilet.

They look damp, Rachael thought, getting ready for something disgusting.

"What did you do?" Rachael said, trying to see what was behind the toilet.

"I got drunk, that's what I did. The staff room had some beer and I was thirsty." Victoria said.

"Aw, come on! The staff knows they can't let you have beer! Or have it out..." Rachael said, getting a bit annoyed that the staff didn't listen.

Victoria giggled, "Don't get mad at them, they're so nice. They gave me some...um... medicine, I forgot what it was called... But they gave me some medicine. Because I've been puking a lot."

"Well don't take beer with those pills. It's not going to help a bit," Rachael said, thinking this was a bad prank the staff and Victoria's other apprentices have pulled on Victoria, "Why have you been puking? And how many beers did you have?"

"Just one.. I'm not drunk or anything! Haha, I guess I shouldn't have sneaked the beers with the pills... Um, I think I'm sick or something... The flu? What illness makes you puke...?" Victoria said.

"Um.. OK, well how long have you been sick?" Rachael asked.

"A few weeks or so..." Victoria replied.

"A few weeks! Why didn't you tell me?" Rachael asked.

"I don't know... guess I forgot or something..." Victoria replied.

"Wait... Have you been getting weird eating habits?" Rachael asked, a little worried.

"Uh, er, yeah a little bit. I didn't like prunes and now I want to eat them all the time... And hot dogs. I don't like hot dogs, which I used to love." Victoria said, a little bit of disgust in her voice when she said 'hot dogs'.

"OK... How long has it been since you've had your period?" Rachel asked, even more worried.

"Isn't that a little personal?" Victoria asked.

"I'm your personal apprentice, I get to know, don't I?" Rachael said.

"Uh, yeah, you're right. It's been... I don't know, a while? Maybe two months or something." Victoria said.

"Oh crap!" Rachael exclaimed.

"What? Listen, can we please stop talking and can you clean up my puke? The smell is getting to me." Victoria said.

"Uh-huh, just a second. I'm going to go get a mop, and then go to the drug store and get you something, OK?" Rachael said.

"Ooooh, drugstore! Let me guess... Drugs?" Victoria asked, a little childishy.

"No, druggie, something else. Now, get out of your puke pile and let me clean it up." Rachel said, laughing a little nervously.

But Rachael was worried. Very worried that Victoria was pregnant. Victoria can't even take care of herself, so if she was pregnant, who'd take care of her baby? Rachael had a slight idea who would.





Copyright, June 7, 2010 maegardens

Hey there. This was pretty good for an 11 year old.

"Uh-oh... OK Rachael prepare yourself. Usually when she calls from the bathroom you get traumatized greatly." Rachael said, remembering a bad memory she had had with Victoria.

I like that you're trying to show, and not tell, by presenting this bit of info in dialogue, but I think it's a bit unrealistic that she talks to herself like this. And the dialogue itself I found a bit unnatural. You should rephrase this, and make it that she's thinking it to herself instead of talking to herself. For example, something like

Prepare yourself, Rachel. You know it can't be good when she calls you from the bathroom,she thought...

would probably work better.

"I um.. I don't know.. Went to this gym. Then went to the store the next day. I gave some autographs. I mainly just watched TV. OH! At the beginning of the week I went to this like bar, right? And there I got drunk and then.. I don't know, I forget. Too fuzzy to remember. Ha-ha, I like the word fuzzy. Fuzzy and soft and-" Here Rachael stopped listening to Victoria's story and started worrying. Worrying a lot.


"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no! Crap! You can't remember what you did after you got drunk. Crap! Well I know what you did after you got drunk!" Rachael said, getting up from the ground.

I found most of the action in the last part unrealistic. Victoria seems very child-like. I get that's what you're probably going for, but she is way too naive for a beautiful twenty-something famous pop star; she acts like she barely even knows about sex here. And big question: why is she taking a pregnancy test in the first place? If she doesn't even remember having sex. And even if she did remember, a few days later is pretty soon to start getting seriously worried.

I'd advise you to change up the way she discovers Victoria is pregnant to make it more realistic. Maybe make it a couple weeks later and have her find Victoria throwing up and confused to why she has been puking so much lately, and then go from there to have them talk about it. And I like the character of Victoria so far, she's funny, but please make her a little more savvy than this; again, she's too naive for a famous pop star right now.

And then, throughout this whole scene, Victoria seems much more drunk or even high than hungover. It's probably good that you got this slightly off, since you're only 11, and shouldn't be as exposed to this stuff yet . But when you're hungover, you just have a major headache and don't feel too good and might be somewhat cranky. That doesn't fit too well with how she's acting here - I'm not sure how to help you here, maybe she change it so that she's supposed to be drunk? Or change her demeanor completely and make her hungover. But anyway, if you make my earlier proposed change about how Rachael discovers Victoria is pregnant, then you don't have to worry about this. But still, hopefully that will helpful to you for future use.

But overall, I like the idea and feel that this could be a very enjoyable story to read. You definitely show a lot of promise considering how young you are.

Thanks Attolia! I haven't put much thought into this story. The pop star is supposed to be a little bit washed up, like this is the near end of her fame. I kind of just wanted to write something, so this wasn't really looked over. And I'm pretty glad I don't know about drug type stuff Thanks for reviewing, and I'll definantly change some of the details.