The shadow ninja (created it on the spot sry)

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prologue(only for now)
Well heres the start a long long time ago a little girl was born with her two sisters and three brothers so basically they are six born on the same day,their Sextuplets.(yes yes its weird but thats what their called).that little girl was special.

She was born in a family of ninja. Her clan was called the terakado clan; they were known for their many abilities and powers and she was the most powerful and secretive.(this part is based on Naruto as u can see i'm a big fan of anime he-he i'm an otaku)A reason for this is that she had all three eyes and other combinations and another four to add.

Their eyes were the sharingan, byakugan and rinnegan and three with unusual colors and one to hide the other ones. Her own abilities are that no one else in the clan has except making barriers flying,reading minds, seeing into the future and many others which she can give to others if she wishes to but what she is known for is here immortality and she has eleven souls.

Let me tell you why, but first let me explain what souls are.Souls ...? What are souls exactly? I'm not sure ... But people like me believe it to be a small part of us ... that little ghost ... a spirit kept deep inside us, warming us, being our fuel, once snuffed out ending our life... Alot of others think that we dont have one ... and that we are as we are and that we have nothing leaving us once we die, and nothing returns from the idea planes of where our soul once was before it entered our soulless carcases.

She has eleven souls unlike the rest of us … ten of them being her so called, ADDED souls, and one being her actual soul she was given at birth, which is actually a combination of all the,
other ten.

Five of these eleven souls are angelic and pure- Her good souls if you will … They increase with power,
As she slowly advances with her physical abilities. When using these pure souls she has pure white feather wings … but at the start with her power at its weakest, her wings are sadly too small and invisible to our unskilled eyes.

The other five souls are opposite of the first five to say the least, dastardly and cruel… but in a way they are the same, they also grow in power with her as she increases her physical abilities, only once in use the wings that appear are cold and dark as night … they look of demonic makings … Something from the very pits of one of the nineteen hells, but as with the feather angel wings, they too are too small for our unskilled eyes to see.
She has this because she is like balance the yin and yen which is the symbol of her clan.

Why she has these souls and abilities is because she is balance her job is to balance the world and to protect those who will change it.

these abilities come with consequences though, one is that she is emotionless and that is because of cautiousness as the person who kills her can get all her powers and the person who marries her gets a copy of her powers, that is why she is always targeted and the reason her father died. Because of this she has taken precautions:
she is never to show her face true eye color, true hair color and she is not to have emotions, she is not to tell her secrets abilities of family location to anyone and lastly she is not to trust anyone but herself.

Her name is Karai.

* i need to update more this is only the second draft that i did with the help of my friend dark cat and the help of the comment below there will be another correction to this soon ( i hope ) the when i finalize adding all Karai's characteristics ill finally get on with the rest of the story ( Karai is a very complicated character which will take me a couple of updates and adding to finish. he-he
Last edited by ninjaanimefreak on Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Well see, I really like how you started this,
But I think you can improve on how you put
your sentances and the manner of which you
tell your story.
So far it's nice though and I look forward to
seeing more.
Last edited by DarkCat on Mon Jun 07, 2010 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
^^ I'm only cute if you gimme chocolate.




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thank you ill edit it right away ( i have English, writing and spelling issues sry) :)




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Hiya NinjaAnimeFreak! Welcome to the site. KD here to review!

Pros:

-Very, very interesting! Cool idea.

-I love the way you ended this prologue...

-...and especially the line that talks about how she's not to trust anyone but herself, and how she can't show any emotion.

Cons:

-This is a bit confusing. Especially this part:
ninjaanimefreak wrote:let me tell you why 5 souls for good with different levels each level increases her power increases and more of her white appear, then 5 for bad same as good but the wings are black and lastly the eleventh soul which is a combination of all ten making her a powerful person with the abilities of the yin and yen which her clan symbol. Why she has these souls and abilities is because she is balance her job is to balance the world and to protect those who will change it.
Simplify this more! Pretend that the reader literally knows nothing about souls, etc. Pretend that you're explaining this to a a small child, since this is all very complicated. Or, I would slowly feed the reader this information as time goes on in this story, instead of dumping all the info on us.

-Make sure you capitalize the start of every single sentence in here, even the sentences in the beginning of each paragraph! Also, watch those run-on sentences.

Hope I helped! Good luck-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
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thanks ill be sure to fix that but not know cause its 12:00 here and i g2g sleep and yes u did help,(u seem nice can u become my friend)




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I hope this helped explain it a little more and thank you for all the views and thank you DarkCat and Kaedee




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Well heres the start a long long time ago a little girl was born with her two sisters and three brothers so basically they are six born on the same day,their Sextuplets.(yes yes its weird but thats what their called).that little girl was special.

Well, here's the start. A long, long time ago a little girl was born with her two sisters and three brothers, so basically they are six born on the same day, they're Sextuplets. Yes, yes it's weird, but that's what they're called. That little girl was special.

A reason for this is that she had all three eyes and other combinations and another four to add.

A reason for this is that she had all three eyes, other combination and another four to add.

Her own abilities are that no one else in the clan has except making barriers flying,reading minds, seeing into the future and many others which she can give to others if she wishes to but what she is known for is here immortality and she has eleven souls.

Her own abilities are that no one else in the clan has, except making barriers flying, reading minds, seeing into the future and many others, which she can give to other if she wishes to, but what she is know for is here immortality and she has eleven souls! OMG

Alot of others think that we dont have one ... and that we are as we are and that we have nothing leaving us once we die, and nothing returns from the idea planes of where our soul once was before it entered our soulless carcases.
A lot of other think that we don't have one, that we are as we are and that we have nothing leaving us once we die. Nothing returns from the idea planes of where our soul once was before it entered our soulless carcasses.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."



I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2