Austin Perkinson and The Great Escape

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 300
Reviews 0
Austin
Perkinson &
The Great
Escape



Table of Contents
→Prologue: Bad News

→Chapter One:

→Chapter Two:

→Chapter Three:

→Chapter Four:

→Chapter Five:

→Chapter Six:

→Chapter Seven:

→Chapter Eight:

→Chapter Nine:

→Chapter Ten:






Prologue: Bad News

It was mid December when I got the letter that said that my Grandfather had passed away. I was trying to think how this possibly could have happened; I mean it was completely out of the blue. I had been working with the doctors and the police to figure out what could possibly have gone wrong. Three months passed until I got another letter from the hospital.
Dear Mr. Perkinson, These past couple of months, we have done some investigating on your Grandfather’s death, and we have concluded that the death was from natural causes. After further tests we conclude that although we tried our hardest to save him; there was nothing more we could do for him. You have our sincerest condolences.
Sorry for your Loss,
Dr. James Wilmington.MD.
And
The nursing staff.

After reading the letter over several times, I began to reminisce about my hero; my grandfather. My grandfather meant the world to me; when I was younger he would come out and we would go get some pizza and then, after we got some pizza we would go and grab some ice cream. Every time he came out my father would let me do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to eat some cookies I could eat some cookies, if I wanted to play some games my father would let me play some games, or if I just wanted to relax and read I could simply pull up a bean bag chair, grab a book and read it. Whenever my grandfather was around, it seemed that my father was powerless against me. At times I think back too when I was a kid and remember those good old days when my father was still alive and my grandfather, father and I would always spend the weekends in the summer together. We would go exploring through the woods and see what we could find. We would always find extraordinary items. We would find things such as acorns, twigs, nuts, branches, animal scat that we would take home and examine, and all sorts of other interesting wilderness creatures.
My mother died giving birth to me, so growing up I never knew what it was like to have a Mother. Although she was gone, I did have a mother figure in my life. My Mother’s sister, my Aunt Martha treated and cared for me as though I was her son. My Aunt Martha never had a son of her own, even though she wanted one. So, seeing as my mother had passed away she figured she could help raise me.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1115
Reviews 1
To begin with, this is certainly a prologue. I mean that I would like to see that expanded. I would like to bring some matters to your attention.
when I was younger he would come out and we would go get some pizza and then, after we got some pizza we would go and grab some ice cream.

Here you repeat yourself. It's not a serious mistake but it annoys the reader and certainly people don't like to have the understandable explained. Instead you should try something more like this.
when I was younger he would come out and we would go get some pizza and then we would go and grab ice cream.
It's the same again and again.
If I wanted to eat some cookies I could eat some cookies, if I wanted to play some games my father would let me play some games,
I don't know if you are doing this on purpose but you are definitely not emphasizing if that is what you are trying to do.
Also, make sure to use linking words.

Sorry if i can't be more helpful




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 9
Hey there Shamrock, -JJ- here back to review. Red=Grammer mistakes and Blue=Ideas

ShamrockSchutzius wrote:Austin
Perkinson &
The Great
Escape
Bold this, and center it out.


Table of Contents
→Prologue: Bad News Try not to give a name, some of the best prologues don't have names. Keep Us guessing.

→Chapter One:

→Chapter Two:

→Chapter Three:

→Chapter Four:

→Chapter Five:

→Chapter Six:

→Chapter Seven:

→Chapter Eight:

→Chapter Nine:

→Chapter Ten:






Prologue: Bad News

It was mid December when I got the letter that said that my Grandfather had passed away. I was trying to think how this possibly could have happened; I mean it was completely out of the blue. I had been working with the doctors and the police to figure out what could possibly have gone wrong. Three months passed until I got another letter from the hospital.
Dear Mr. Perkinson, These past couple of months, we have done some investigating onNo Space here your Grandfather’s death, and we have concluded that the death was from natural causes. After further tests we conclude that although we tried our hardest to save him; there was nothing more we could do for him. You have our sincerest condolences.
Sorry for your Loss,
Dr. James Wilmington.MD.
And
The nursing staff. Great letter, Use Italic Text for emphasis.

After reading the letter over several times, I began to reminisce about my hero, my grandfather. My grandfather meant the world to me, when I was younger he would come out and we would go get some pizza and then. After we got some pizza we would go and grab some ice cream. Every time he came out my father would let me do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to eat some cookies, I could eat some cookies. If I wanted to play some games, my father would let me play some games, or if I just wanted to relax and read I could simply pull up a bean bag chair, grab a book and read it.I've been fixing a lot of run on sentences. Please look at them, and fix. Whenever my grandfather was around, it seemed that my father was powerless against me. At times I think back too when I was a kid and remember those good old days when my father was still alive and my grandfather, father and I would always spend the weekends in the summer together.Another run on sentence We would go exploring through the woods and see what we could find. We would always find extraordinary items. We would find things such as acorns, twigs, nuts, branches, animal scat that we would take home and examine, and all sorts of other interesting wilderness creatures. Ok, in this paragraph, make sure you don't forget to put a period where it should go. A period ends a thought, in many sentences you put a comma, and kept going. Watch out for that. It will drive the reader insane!
My mother died giving birth to me, so growing up I never knew what it was like to have a Mother. Although she was gone, I did have a mother figure in my life. My Mother’s sister, my Aunt Martha treated and cared for me as though I was her son. My Aunt Martha never had a son of her own, even though she wanted one. So, seeing as my mother had passed away she figured she could help raise me.


Shamrock, over all this is really good. I will look forward to seeing more of your works in the future. However, like I stated before, you have to watch your sentence thoughts. Beware of what punctuation mark you are putting at the end of an idea. Just think about it, and it will come to you. Your grammar and mechanics may be flawless, but punctuation counts just as much. So take a look at those.

I'm glad that you expanded it a little bit longer then your first one! Keep up the good work. With time you should have the perfect Prologue, and perhaps story! PM me when your next chapter comes out, I will love to see it. I will review it for you as well. Until next time
-JJ-
-JJ-
My new website needs members: http://wwww.writethiswaywriters.webs.com



I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope