Fly Away prologue

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“I want a story, too.”

It was an ugly morning, Sunday, I think. Only a little bit of blue could be seen under all those dreary clouds. The sun glowed softly though, but it wasn’t enough. It felt too much… too much like me.

“No, you don’t, honey. Stories are for mad people,” Ms. Bridge muttered, “Don’t be mad. Besides, you’ve got to find your dream first. ” I searched for a smile, but I only found the pinched grimace that had just about claimed its permanent home on her face.

“Today’s really not a good roof-top day, is it?” We were sitting comfortably on our usual spot that morning, the roof of our apartment building, which would grow to become something of a home to me. It would make up for what I couldn’t find at my actual home.

“Now, hand me your foot, honey.” I laid down further on the lawn chair as she started on my left one, pink stripes and white polka dots. The polish was cracked and cheap, bought from the dollar store two blocks down our street, no doubt, but I had still admired those colors on my toes. Then, it had been magic.

She was alive, then.

“Ms. Bridge, what’s bad about being mad?”

“You really are beautiful, So Ming,” Ms. Bridge held my black locks with her weathered fingers. I turned away quickly, the hair slipping from her grip.

“What’s bad about being mad?” I asked again. I would make her answer, because she was strong enough.

She shook her head slowly, “ I don’t know, honey.. I don’t know…”

“You know.”

“Dreams,” she whispered, like it was a close memory, “Dreams.” I hadn’t noticed the words were spoken with something different, not love or hope, but something like lust.

“What’s bad about dreams?”

“Oh, nothing.” I loved her, but not enough. I didn’t want to have thin, grey hair like her, or wear my husband’s old sweater, or spend all my time on top of the apartment building I lived on with some kid. I was afraid of growing into one of her. I was just afraid.

“Nearly done here, honey-”

“I already have a dream,” I told her, “A big one!” I had felt guilty, like I was showing something I should have a long time ago. I had kept it hidden under everything, but now my dream was thirsting.

“Alright, what is it, then?” Ms. Bridge had closed the little nail polish bottle and placed it in one of her jacket’s pockets. She looked at me with worn eyes. They had looked like… today.

“I want…,” it was bursting for air, I could feel it, “I want to fly.”

Ms. Bridge almost smiled. “You’ll fly, darling, you will. Just not today, I’m afraid,” she told me, tapping on the watch; It was time to go home.

I jumped out of my lawn chair and helped her up. “I still want a story, you know.”

“Well, if you’re alright with being mad, then you’ll find it.”

“Did you?”

“I thought I had found my story… it wasn’t true though.” Ms. Bridge frowned, the wrinkles compressed together, like she suddenly tasted something sour on her tongue. It had been her husband, of coarse.

“I realized, you’re my true story, So Ming,” she smiled weakly, “And I’ll do whatever I can to help you find yours.” I opened the door for her.

Today I won’t fly… tomorrow, I will.
Last edited by winie603 on Sun Jun 06, 2010 5:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD




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This is kind of confusing, but I'm sure all will be cleared up once the story begins. So let's begin!
It was an ugly morning, Sunday I think.
There should be a comma in between Sunday, and I.
It felt too much… to much like me.
I think you mean too, in that area in the red. Also, this whole line doesn't work for me. What my English book says is that books, even if they're formatted in first-person, is that they're not written like someone is speaking them. They're written with vivid descriptions and big words, not things a person would normally say. In fact, because of this reason, famous literature pieces are not usually written in first-person. (Twilight does not count to me as a literature piece)
It had been her husband, of coarse.
It's spelled course. I can't find any other problems, so keep writing! :mrgreen:
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.




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Hey! So I thought I would review your piece today.

Alright, so I really like your characters here, they have a good dose of personality and I really liked the "what's wrong with being mad idea."

However, this story was extremely confusing, I feel like you have a picture in your head of what's going on, but that vision was not communicated effectively to your reader. The easiest way to remedy this problem is simply to include more detail. I have listed some examples below:

“No, you don’t, honey. Stories are for mad people,” Ms. Bridge muttered, “Don’t be mad. Besides, you’ve got to find your dream first."

This is confusing, simply because I don't understand why Ms. Bridge would say it. Your average reader isn't going to understand why you have to find your dream before you find your story. We don't even know what your "dream" and "story" are because they seem different from the usual definitions, so more explanation is necessary.

The polish was cracked and cheap, bought from the dollar store two blocks down our street, no doubt, but I had still admired those colors on my toes. Then, it had been magic.

She was alive, then.

This makes sense, up until the magic part. "Then," implies a time in the past, but we have no idea what time that is. Nor do we know what "it" had been magic. You need to expand on that. Also, we have no idea who the "she" is. Just try to add enough back story so that all makes sense.


“You really are beautiful, So Ming,” Ms. Bridge held my black locks with her weathered fingers. I turned away quickly, the hair slipping from her grip.

I thought Ms. Bridge was painting her toenails, when did she get around to her hair? A few more details will clear that up.


“What’s bad about being mad?” I asked again. I would make her answer, because she was strong enough.

I think it would be a good idea to explain, or at least hit, why it would be necessary for one to be strong to answer that question. There is obviously a back story there. The average person will not understand why one would have to be strong to answer that simple question.


I didn’t want to have thin, grey hair like her, or wear my husband’s old sweater, or spend all my time on top of the apartment building I lived on with some kid. I was afraid of growing into one of her. I was just afraid.

I am having trouble with this bit. What does this have to do with the question she is asking of Ms. Bridge? Why does the fact that So Ming does not love her enough matter in that moment? More detail is needed.

“I already have a dream,” I told her, “A big one!” I had felt guilty, like I was showing something I should have a long time ago. I had kept it hidden under everything, but now my dream was thirsting.

I think it is necessary to explain why So Ming felt guilty about having a dream, because that is not an average reaction to a dream.


“I thought I had found my story… it wasn’t true though.” Ms. Bridge frowned, the wrinkles compressed together, like she suddenly tasted something sour on her tongue. It had been her husband, of coarse.

Again, I think it would be good for you to define somewhere in this piece what you mean by "story." In this section I would expand on how So Ming knew Ms. Bridge was talking about her husband

Let me assure you I think you have the beginnings of a great idea here, and your characters, especially Ms. Bridge, hold allot of intrigue. However, the story seems to be bouncing around allot. If you just add some more detail in places your piece will become more coherent. With a little polish, you could have a great thing on your hands! Keep Writing!

-Turquoise



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury