A Promise is a Death Threat

This is only the first part of chapter one, i decided since i couldn't write anymore, that i would post it and see what feedback i got.
1. The girl does not have the power, Agent Bassani does.
2. Agent Bassani has the power to hinder other's senses and emotions/mind. And the power to force a memory of his into your mind when he touches you. I have had many questions on that part.
3. The girl was IN FACT sitting at a table at the bookstore.
4. She felt like she was dying because she didn't feel real, and she felt like her surroundings were disappearing. So she felt like the man was taking her away.
5. Yes this IS a rough draft to BARE with me(:




Some might say he was handsome, gorgeous even, but when his eyes fell on mine, locking in place like they belonged there, it felt like ice was being poured on my body. My breath stopped for a moment and sounds around me became muffled. Maybe he was the Grim Reaper, coming to get me, bring me to hell or something, maybe that would have been better than this. The book in my hands slipped and I couldn’t find my words, they were scattered and didn’t fit together properly. He leaned down, picking the book from off the ground, before placing in front of me and yet again looking into my eyes.

His voice… Oh that marvelous sound filled my ears and mind giving me all my words back suddenly. “Are you Summer? Summer Wright?” He asked, his lips moving gracefully, almost like he was a dream, and all of this wasn’t real. If it was a dream, could I wake up? Could I stop it, because I felt like I was dying, and it wasn’t nice at all. The only thing that kept me from running away and never looking back was his voice. When it entered my ears, every worry that had crossed my mind slipped away for just a moment, leaving me with a feeling of complete bliss.

The people around me in this crowded bookstore were not even fazed by his presence. It was almost like he wasn’t there, like I was imagining him. I caught my breath and everything went back to normal, my vision returned, and my thoughts rearranged themselves. His question finally got to me, and I stood up, my book in hand. “Um, yes I am Summer Wright. Should I know you or something?” I asked; a puzzled expression on my face and my free hand clenched in my pocket.

My heart was confused and beating abnormally fast as he placed his hand out in front of him, waiting for a handshake. I took a deep breath and stretched out my hand, worried I might faint when our skin touched. And when they did my head filled with memories foreign to me. A large man in a black suit was bleeding on the floor of some apartment I’ve never seen, and a shorter but yet still strong looking man stood above him holding a gun, a smirk on his lips. Then that memory faded a new one began, then more after that, only in a few seconds did this all happen. And as soon as his hand left mine, they were gone, only fragments of them stayed lodged in my mind somewhere, and yet they were smothered, like something that happened a long time ago, still in the back of my memory.

The man smiled at me; like he knew something I didn’t and put his hand in his pocket. “No I hope not. I’m Agent Bassani; I worked for your father before he died two years ago. I need to ask you a few questions about your father.” We both sat down at the small table next to us, facing each other. I felt like I was under interrogation, well technically I was. “Recently, your father’s, uh, work has been having a few problems with employees. See after your father’s death, the company has been falling to pieces bit by bit. I was your father’s right hand man you could say, so naturally when he died, I took over the company. But plenty of agents have been quitting, or slacking off.” I sat there for a moment, wondering how he found me. I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16; in fact his work was the thing that made my mother leave him that year.

Hey there Emmy!

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

Some might say he was handsome, gorgeous even, but when his eyes fell on mine, locking in place like they belonged there, it felt like ice was being poured on my body. My breath stopped for a moment and sounds around me became muffled. Maybe he was the Grim Reaper, coming to get me, bring me to hell or something, maybe that would have been better than this. The book in my hands slipped and I couldn’t find my words, they were scattered and didn’t fit together properly.

First of all, I absolutely loved this. Beautifully written and the flow is easy, natural, it seems.

His voice… Oh that marvelous sound filled my ears and mind giving me all my words back suddenly. “Are you Summer? Summer Wright?” He asked, his lips moving gracefully, almost like he was a dream, and all of this wasn’t real. If it was a dream, could I wake up? Could I stop it, because I felt like I was dying, and it wasn’t nice at all. The only thing that kept me from running away and never looking back was his voice. When it entered my ears, every worry that had crossed my mind slipped away for just a moment, leaving me with a feeling of complete bliss.

Ok, at this point, I'm slightly confused. In the first paragraph, I got the feeling she was afraid of him. I mean, people don't usually embrace Death, which is what she thinks he is. Now she thinks his voice is marvelous, his lips are gracious, and that she felt like she was dying but she's like in a dream-like state. I feel like she enraptured by him, not close to dying. Am I making sense?

His question finally got to me, and I stood up, my book in hand. “Um, yes I am Summer Wright. Should I know you or something?”

Wasn't she already standing? You mean, maybe, that she straightened?

My heart was confused and beating abnormally fast as he placed his hand out in front of him, waiting for a handshake. I took a deep breath and stretched out my hand, worried I might faint when our skin touched. And when they did my head filled with memories foreign to me. A large man in a black suit was bleeding on the floor of some apartment I’ve never seen, and a shorter but yet still strong looking man stood above him holding a gun, a smirk on his lips. Then that memory faded a new one began, then more after that, only in a few seconds did this all happen. And as soon as his hand left mine, they were gone, only fragments of them stayed lodged in my mind somewhere, and yet they were smothered, like something that happened a long time ago, still in the back of my memory.

Okay now I'm really confused. First of all, when someone holds out their hand for a shake, they indroduce themselves. Here, he withdraws his hand and only gives him name in the next paragraph. Second of all, I'm not sure if he's somehow transferring his thoughts to her or if she has some kind of gift. This should be clarified, either by her staggering under the weight of this unusual vision, or her freaking out because she's never felt this before.

The man smiled at me; like he knew something I didn’t and put his hand in his pocket. “No I hope not. I’m Agent Bassani; I worked for your father before he died two years ago. I need to ask you a few questions about your father.” We both sat down at the small table next to us, facing each other. I felt like I was under interrogation, well technically I was. “Recently, your father’s, uh, work has been having a few problems with employees. See after your father’s death, the company has been falling to pieces bit by bit. I was your father’s right hand man you could say, so naturally when he died, I took over the company. But plenty of agents have been quitting, or slacking off.” I sat there for a moment, wondering how he found me. I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16; in fact his work was the thing that made my mother leave him that year.

This paragraph should be separated in two. You should make a new one when she starts thinking. Also, why would she feel like she was being interrogated when all he does is does about himself and his role in her father's company?

Well, that's it for the nitpicking. Emmy, I loved this chapter. You have a real gift with words and you just need to work this out a little.
The chapter is really short and it would be nice to have a little more info. Maybe you could have them walk to a cafe nearby and talk or something. But that's just my opinion.

Would you PM me for the next chapter, I'd love to read it.

Tanya

Hey Emmy
Here's my review for you. My comments are underneath the paragraph words with errors are in red.

Some might say he was handsome, gorgeous even, but when his eyes fell on mine, locking in place like they belonged there, it felt like ice was being poured on my body. My breath stopped for a moment and sounds around me became muffled. Maybe he was the Grim Reaper, coming to get me, bring me to hell or something, maybe that would have been better than this. The book in my hands slipped and I couldn’t find my words, they were scattered and didn’t fit together properly. He leaned down, picking the book from off the ground, before placing in front of me and yet again looking into my eyes.

Perfect paragraph here.

His voice… Oh that marvelous sound filled my ears and mind giving me all my words back suddenly. “Are you Summer? Summer Wright?” He asked, his lips moving gracefully, almost like he was a dream, and all of this wasn’t real. If it was a dream, could I wake up? Could I stop it, because I felt like I was dying, and it wasn’t nice at all. The only thing that kept me from running away and never looking back was his voice. When it entered my ears, every worry that had crossed my mind slipped away for just a moment, leaving me with a feeling of complete bliss.

I got confused towards the end of this paragraph. You mention several times that she's in a state of bliss when she hears his voice. Yet you also mention that she feels like she's dying. These two words are complete opposites and the way you used them just doesn't quite make sense.

The people around me in this crowded bookstore were not even fazed by his presence. It was almost like he wasn’t there, like I was imagining him. I caught my breath and everything went back to normal, my vision returned, and my thoughts rearranged themselves. His question finally got to me, and I stood up, my book in hand. “Um, yes I am Summer Wright. Should I know you or something?” I asked; a puzzled expression on my face and my free hand clenched in my pocket.

This paragraph is good but you say she stood up. You never mention in the first place whether she was sitting or standing. I assume that she was sitting. The reader how ever won't know that.

My heart was confused and beating abnormally fast as he placed his hand out in front of him, waiting for a handshake. I took a deep breath and stretched out my hand, worried I might faint when our skin touched. And when they did my head filled with memories foreign to me. A large man in a black suit was bleeding on the floor of some apartment I’ve never seen, and a shorter but yet still strong looking man stood above him holding a gun, a smirk on his lips. Then that memory faded a new one began, then more after that, only in a few seconds did this all happen. And as soon as his hand left mine, they were gone, only fragments of them stayed lodged in my mind somewhere, and yet they were smothered, like something that happened a long time ago, still in the back of my memory.

Like those before me have said most people introduce themselves before they shake. You also need to explain this vision a little more. Does she have them often. Wouldn't she react differently or outrageously if this was her first. I just think you need to give some more info about the vision. The vision it'self is fine. Except you used the word I've. That's the wrong tense the correct word would be I had not I have.

The man smiled at me; like he knew something I didn’t and put his hand in his pocket. “No I hope not. I’m Agent Bassani; I worked for your father before he died two years ago. I need to ask you a few questions about your father.” We both sat down at the small table next to us, facing each other. I felt like I was under interrogation, well technically I was. “Recently, your father’s, uh, work has been having a few problems with employees. See after your father’s death, the company has been falling to pieces bit by bit. I was your father’s right hand man you could say, so naturally when he died, I took over the company. But plenty of agents have been quitting, or slacking off.” I sat there for a moment, wondering how he found me. I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16; in fact his work was the thing that made my mother leave him that year.

You should probably split this one up. Most likely at the sentence "See after your fathers..."

Anyway that's it for my review. I enjoyed reading your work and will be on the lookout for more. Keep up the good work
Roman

Hello emmy, I’m pretty sure we haven’t met before. *shakes hands* I’m Lily! Here, have some of my cake! *hands a piece of cake*

before placing it in front of me and yet again looking into my eyes.

You need the word ‘it’ in here to stand in as a pronoun for the word ‘book.’


Okay, I won’t really cover this heavily since the others took care of that, there is one thing I should mention and that is the fact that you just spent four paragraphs, at least 400 words, describing a man walking up to someone and shaking hands. I think it’s a little too much description.
Also, your sentences are very long. Short sentences, believe it or not, have a much stronger impact on readers. They’re clear and to the point. All that fancy stuff, most of the time, isn’t necessary.

But this is actually kind of interesting. I like this power you have here, but be careful to be clear as to who the powers belong to. I mean, you explained it at top, but, well, I didn’t read that part until after I read the chapter part…so yeah.

Anyways, good luck with the writing.

~lilymoore

Comments in red.

emmymcrawwr wrote:This is only the first part of chapter one, i decided since i couldn't write anymore, that i would post it and see what feedback i got.
1. The girl does not have the power, Agent Bassani does.
2. Agent Bassani has the power to hinder other's senses and emotions/mind. And the power to force a memory of his into your mind when he touches you. I have had many questions on that part.
3. The girl was IN FACT sitting at a table at the bookstore.
4. She felt like she was dying because she didn't feel real, and she felt like her surroundings were disappearing. So she felt like the man was taking her away.
5. Yes this IS a rough draft to BARE with me(:

I'll tell you the truth. I skipped all that because I don't want any reasons. I want the story, plain and simple. No reasons, no excuses, nothing. ^^ Let the story stand on its own.

Chapter One: The Meeting

Some might say he was handsome, gorgeous even, but when his eyes fell on mine, locking in place like they belonged there, it felt like ice was being poured on my body. I have a few comments about this sentence. First, it's incredibly long-winded and therefore kind of difficult to get through. Second, I'm not so sure about this because it's kind of common - handsome dude but chick thinks there's something wrong with him. Finally, maybe make it icy water. Because I read "ice was being poured on my body" I thought: ouch. My breath stopped for a moment and sounds around me became muffled. Maybe he was the Grim Reaper, coming to get me, bring me to hell or something, maybe that would have been better than this. First, I think that comma ought to be a semicolon. Second, what exactly is "this"? It's not so bad. She sounds like she has a death wish from that sentence. The book in my hands slipped and I couldn’t find my words: they were scattered and didn’t fit together properly. He leaned down, picking the book [Deleted from] off the ground before placing in front of me and yet again looking into my eyes. This is happening at an incredibly slow pace.

His voice… Oh that marvelous sound filled my ears and mind, giving me all my words back [Deleted suddenly]. ...This sentence tried so hard I almost laughed. I'm not joking. "Marvelous sound" doesn't exactly sound like a teenager talking unless she's sarcastic. Given the voice in the previous paragraph, she's most definitely out-of-character there. Edit your word choice. “Are you Summer? Summer Wright?” He asked, his lips moving gracefully, almost like he was a dream, and all of this wasn’t real. She sounds way freaky and obsessed here. If it was a dream, could I wake up? Could I stop it? Because I felt like I was dying, and it wasn’t nice at all. She doesn't sound like she's dying. In fact, she sounds like she's crazy. oo" The only thing that kept me from running away and never looking back was his voice. When it entered my ears, every worry that had crossed my mind slipped away for just a moment, leaving me with a feeling of complete bliss. Obviously not every worry disappeared. A few sentences back she was wishing sh was dead. Or awake. Or whatever. >>"

The people around me in this crowded bookstore were not even fazed by his presence. This is an awkward sentence. Also, I notice you tend to use weak verbs - the linking ones, especially. I'll elaborate more later. It was almost like he wasn’t there, like I was imagining him. I caught my breath and everything went back to normal: my vision returned, and my thoughts rearranged themselves. His question finally got to me, and I stood up, my book in hand. The sheer amount of commas in that sentence destroyed its flow. “Um, yes I am Summer Wright. Kinda stilted there. Taking out "I am Summer Wright" might fix it. Should I know you or something?” I asked; a puzzled expression on my face and my free hand clenched in my pocket. I'm not sure how she knows a puzzled expression is on her face. Usually we don't feel or notice our facial expressions shift unless we're doing it on purpose - smiling, pouting, etc.

My heart was confused and beating abnormally fast as he placed his hand out in front of him, waiting for a handshake. I took a deep breath and stretched out my hand, worried I might faint when our skin touched. Definitely boy-crazy. And when they did my head filled with memories foreign to me. A large man in a black suit was bleeding on the floor of some apartment I’ve never seen, and a shorter but yet still strong looking man stood above him holding a gun, a smirk on his lips. Then that memory faded and a new one began, then more after that, only in a few seconds did this all happen. And as soon as his hand left mine, they were gone. Only fragments of them stayed lodged in my mind somewhere, and yet they were smothered, like something that happened a long time ago, still in the back of my memory.

The man smiled at me; like he knew something I didn’t and put his hand in his pocket. I thought he was a teen. oo" “No, I hope not. I’m Agent Bassani; I worked for your father before he died two years ago. I need to ask you a few questions about him.”

We both sat down at the small table next to us, facing each other. I felt like I was under interrogation This last part is way awkward. Revise., well technically I was.

“Recently, your father’s, uh, work Maybe you mean corporation? Business? Company? Definitely not work. has been having a few problems with its employees. See, after your father’s death, the company has been falling to pieces bit by bit. I was your father’s right hand man, you could say, so naturally when he died, I took over the company. But plenty of agents have been quitting, or slacking off.” This entire bit is an infodump I'll forgive, but it sounds incredibly forced so you might want to revise it anyway.

I sat there for a moment, wondering how he found me. I hadn’t talked to my father since I turned 16; in fact his work was the thing that made my mother leave him that year.

Final thoughts:

You seem to adore commas so much. oo" There were so many misplaced commas and comma splices in there that I'm not sure if I caught them all. You might want to check this forum - it has a lot of articles about commas and it will help you greatly. You also have a handful of run-on sentences there so might want to check an article or two about that too.

Your plot moves very slowly. This isn't a particularly good beginning as I'm not compelled to read on at all. Everything seems to happen in slow-mo, which is incredibly annoying. Pick up the pace by cutting short a few sentences. You're fond of long ones so the story in general crawls along. oo"

Your character seems inconsistent. At first I thought she was a teenage girl, so I was incredibly creeped out when I learned she was admiring a probably-old-enough-to-be-her-dad guy. Then towards the end you hinted that she was not a teenager by saying that she hadn't seen her dad in years and she was sixteen when she last saw him. So I'm guessing she's in her early twenties or maybe she's 19? Make it clear.

Your word choice definitely needs improvement. As is you use the be verbs a lot. Was and were are pretty common there. Use more powerful verbs. For example, instead of "My heart was confused", you could use, "My heart pounded to an erratic beat in its confusion". Find a way around the be verbs as they tend to kill your prose.

Also, your character's voice is inconsistent. In the first paragraph she's an awkward girl, then in the second she's this pragmatic, obsessive poet and in the rest she's a docile lady. Your word choice affects how your character sounds so be careful about which words you use. The way your sentences are strung together also affects how she sounds so yea. Her opinion on everything impacts her overall character.

As for the plot, I don't see much. Again, this ties in to the pace of the story. You wasted lots of words and lost my interest in the process. Get to the plot quickly. So her father is dead. What does this have to do with her? Make your protagonist proactive. Don't have her react - have her do something. Don't let stuff just happen to her. Have her trigger stuff.

I feel so detached from your characters that if a missile landed wherever they were and blew them up I probably wouldn't care. oo" You want me sympathetic to your characters so show me more of their personalities. Both Bassani and the MC are underdeveloped, but Bassani is better off than your MC. Which is a problem, since this is written in first person. We should be feeling closer to the MC (or at the very least, we should know more about the MC's personality) than to Bassani.

Apart from descriptions of Bassani's vague informed-perfection, we don't really see much of the surroundings. Sure you mentioned it in one sentence, but you could do so much better. What does the air around smell like? Muffled sounds of what? Is it hot? Cold? Stuffy? Are there books in the corner? Did she accidentally hit a table in her shock? Show me more of the surroundings.

I won't lie - this seems a bit cliched. Dude with superpowers comes and turns sweet girl's life upside-down. So far this doesn't show any signs of becoming something different, so the quicker you show me what makes this different the better. Also, her immediate obsession with Bassani reminds me of Twilight. And I really don't like Twilight. oo" It's annoying how suddenly and how hard she fell for him. >>"

Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions about this review.

Sincerely,

Kara

What happens!!!!!!!????!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?! you know you really cna cut this off here, you're going to make a lot of people mad by leaving them hanging