The Park (please delete)

Can an admin please remove this topic? I want to enter this into a competition but can't have it "broadcast"

Sorry :\

Firstly I'll just go through the typos.

pouting #FF0000 ">an screaming.

When I #FF0000 ">ran and jump and play with them

for with it comes no promise of comfort #FF0000 ">no comfort.

I think that's all...

Now for the good stuff.

For me, the park bridges that sore, weeping gap.

I love this line. I can almost feel how painful it must be for the main character.

The clumsy willows become wind-whispering ghouls, their thousand arms sweeping their territory for prey.

Fantastic imagery & personification. This line really stands out to me. I can picture the willows perfectly, & the word 'clumsy' is a great way of describing them.

It's great how you've laced everything together. The thoughts of the boy are merged together & combined, & ideas aren't just separated into categories. Some people tend to do this which can be irritating & it stops the flow.

Another idea throughout the story is the boy's mention of having nowhere to run to. It makes his home life seem very empty, and clearly he doesn't have the same connection with his foster/adoptive parents (I'm assuming this) as he did with his real parents.

The hints of an accident also give us a clear idea of what happened to the parents, without the whole blah blah blah about the day of the accident, etc, which can ruin some stories.

This is very well written. Well done (: