Saving Lily~Chapter Two

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Day thirty two, thought Lilly-Lynne as she marked a line on the wall. Thirty-two days she’d been in the tower, thirty-two days of watching her town get destroyed. The once joyous place was now a disaster. She sighed and stood up. The room around her had served as her home for thirty-two days. Not really what Lilly-Lynne was used to. She missed her room in the mansion. The four poster bed with a canopy, her elegant dresser and vanity, the soft rugs, this place was not fit for a bedroom. A desk stood in the corner and an empty bookshelf was next to it. There was a little blow-up mattress against the wall, which had been giving her pains for thirty-two long days. Many un-useful things cluttered the room. Posters with complicated plans on them sat in a bucket, a collection of rubber ducks were lined on a shelf. The walls were lined with junk that Lilly-Lynne had scrounged through for a while.

She walked to the desk, hoping to find another secret drawer. When she last opened a drawer, she found it opened wider than she thought, and behind a piece of wood that blocked her view was a bright yellow balloon. It was about two days ago. She had picked up a piece of paper and wrote her note, blew up the balloon with the note inside, and, getting on the roof, let it go. That night she recalled a day long ago with her father, who was now dead. They were having a picnic and Lilly-Lynne was just little.

"Hello, Princess," a man in a dark cloak had said. His voice was more of a loud hiss. Lilly-Lynne turned around. She remembered being frightened by the man under the hood.

"My daddy told me not to talk to strangers." She said, glancing around to see exactly where her father was. She spotted him gathering berries. The man nodded.

"That’s okay, I’m not a stranger," He replied.

"You aren’t?" Lilly-Lynne asked. He shook his head.

"No, your daddy knows who I am." He continued, "We used to be good friends, actually. But your daddy decided that he didn’t like me one day, now were not." Lilly-Lynne nodded.

"Oh. And why doesn’t daddy like you?" She asked him.

"Because when you were born, I killed your mother. I would have killed your daddy too, but he stopped me." He took a step towards Lilly-Lynne, but she took a step back and screamed. Her dad looked up and saw the hooded man. He had charged at him and knocked him to the ground. In her fright, Lilly-Lynne dropped her doll, Lizzie. Thinking back on that, Lilly-Lynne began to wonder where her doll was now. She didn’t have a chance to think for long, because the sound of glass breaking interrupted her thoughts. She ran to the window and leaned out as far as she could to see what was going on. Luckily for her, there was no fog that day so she could see all the way down the tower.

There was a boy about her age, 13, carrying big bags of groceries. On the ground beside him was a broken milk bottle. The balloon was nowhere to be seen. A Saraka walked up to him and they talked for a second. She watched as the boy cleaned up the glass and cringed at his bloody hands. The Saraka said was quiet for a second, and then said something. When the boy replied, the Saraka spat on his shoe and pointed at the boys’ stomach. Lilly-Lynne got a sickening feeling when she saw that he had pulled out a bright yellow deflated balloon.

She didn’t take a second to think over what she was doing. She ran to the wall and grabbed the worn out bow and arrows she had found. Hurriedly, she wrote a note, tied it to the arrow with a strand of leather, and took aim. The Saraka had the balloon now, and was pulling out the letter. Her archery skills were rusty, but she still remembered the lessons her father had put her in as a little girl. She pulled back and let fire, the arrow screamed through the air. It hit its mark and the Saraka fell forward instantly. Black goo was spilling out from the wound. She ducked back in the tower and sat with her back pressed on the wall. She was a murderer. They had a reason to kill her. Hopefully, she didn’t scare off the boy; he had her letter and could save her. But, he didn’t know who she was. Would he still save her if he didn’t know who she was? Lilly-Lynne could feel the warm tears rolling down her cheeks again. I’m never getting out of here, she thought. She stayed that way for a while, holding her knees to her chest, salty tears running down her cheek.

She was on the brink of falling asleep when she heard footsteps outside. They were hollow, echoing off the walls of the buildings. At first, she thought she was dreaming, but when she sat up to look out the window, she saw the shadow someone walking. The sun had gone down, and she could barely see. Fumbling around the room she found her candles and lit them then looked to the window again. The boy stopped walking and looked up at the window. Looking closer, she saw it was the boy who had found her note. She saw his eyes get wide and he looked faint. He shook his head in disbelief, bowed his head in respect to her, and then ran away. She sighed, feeling relieved. She knew he wouldn’t be sneaking around in the dark for no reason; no he was going to save her.
Last edited by funkyreg101 on Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:47 pm, edited 3 times in total.
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.




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Oh My Golgi Bodies, I love this way more than the first version that I read (not that that version was bad, but yeah). :D

Mostly though, this improvement comes from where you ended the story. Those few extra lines added not only a little bit of humor, but it also adds a whole extra dimension to the story. Actually, it adds two: the dead Saraka and the archer who did the killing.
Add that to the note and this Lilly girl and you have a plot set in motion that will have readers really excited.

I only had one little nitpick and that was with:
The owner of the balloon was high above, watching it from the roof of a tower that disappeared in the clouds high above the tops of the other buildings around.


It’s just a very awkward sentence to me. There must be some way you can rewrite it. :D


Anyways, good luck with the rest of the story!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hey Funky, I'm Tanya!!

A lonesome balloon floated down steadily in the dark of night, its bright yellow exterior glowing against the dreary town. The owner of the balloon was high above, watching it from the roof of a tower that disappeared in the clouds high above the tops of the other buildings around. She prayed with all her heart someone would find it. Her tears were swept away in the wind, and her sobs were lost in the clouds. She watched the balloon until it was no longer visible before ducking back into the top room of the tower.
This is beautifully written here, my friend. I could easily picture the wind tearing the tears from her cheeks and so on. Great work!

The streets no longer smelled of the bakeries that used to line them.
Maybe you could specify what exactly bakeries smell like. I know and you know but the idea is to pull your reader in. Say maybe, it smelled of cinnamon and hot bread and sweet fillings or something. It would help the visual of the chapter.

Okay, well, that's it for the nit-picking. I haven't read the first version but you have painted a very interesting world. You are going to have to work on your five sense though; everyone has them and you need to work with them to draw the readers in. Like, how does the bakery smell, and okay, the town is devoid of colour, but he isn't blind or colour blind. Describe the Saraka-beastie. Are they human? Reptiles? Are they colourless and that's why there's no colour? Jaspar could describe him at the Saraka walks toward him.

And how old is Jaspar? You said he's just a kid, and that all the parents have been taking away, but how old is this kid? Does he live alone? Have some of the kids banded together? Okay, lots of question, I know lol. It just means that you have some filling in to do but maybe you've planned that for the next chapter.

Would you PM me for it? I'd love to read some more!
Tanya :D




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Hey, here to review - apparently we're not going to Sizzlers :(

funkyreg101 wrote:Day thirty two, thought Lilly-Lynne as she marked a line on the wall. Thirty-two days she’d been in the tower, thirty-two days of watching her town get destroyed.

A month seems like too short a time for all the reforms to have happened. You make it sound as if every building has been painted grey - even if the town was small, it was still big enough to have markets that lined streets, so it must have had more than ten buildings to paint. It would make more sense if it'd had been a year, or half a year. Something to allow for the story to be realistic.

The once joyous place was now a disaster.

Not the best description :) I'm sure you can come up with something fantastic - your other descriptions are not lacking like this one.

She sighed and stood up. The room around her had served as her home for thirty-two days. Not really what Lilly-Lynne was used to.

If you're going to keep with the "thirty-two days" period, you don't need to repeat it here again. Or, you could omit the "town being destroyed" sentence and add it elsewhere, as you need the above sentence to tie the story back to the room.

There was a little blow-up mattress against the wall, which had been giving her pains for thirty-two long days. Many un-useful things cluttered the room. Posters with of complicated plans on them sat in a bucket, a collection of rubber ducks were lined on a shelf. The walls were lined floors were littered with junk that Lilly-Lynne had scrounged through for a while.

Again with the thirty-two? :P

She walked to the desk, hoping to find another secret drawer. When she last opened a drawer, she found it opened wider than she thought, and behind a piece of wood that blocked her view was a bright yellow balloon. It was about two days ago.

The "it was two days ago" here means that the balloon was a balloon, and it was also two days ago. Not that the event happened two days ago.

She had picked up a piece of paper and wrote her note, blew up the balloon with the note inside, and, getting on the roof, let it go. That night she recalled a day long ago with her father, who was now dead. They were having a picnic and Lilly-Lynne was just little.

I don't think you need to make any further connections with her and the balloon. You could leave the first sentence out. Then the story flows more and you're not making weird conjunctions.

"Hello, Princess," a man in a dark cloak had said. His voice was more of a loud hiss. Lilly-Lynne turned around. She remembered being frightened by the man under the hood.

I believe this whole following scene should be italicised like you did with the balloon scene earlier. It's a memory, write it in present tense, but show us it's a memory by italicising it.

"My daddy told me not to talk to strangers." She said, glancing around to see exactly where her father was. She spotted him gathering berries. The man nodded.

"The man nodded" could refer to the stranger or her father

"No, your daddy knows who I am." He continued, "We used to be good friends, actually. But your daddy decided that he didn’t like me one day, now we're not." Lilly-Lynne nodded.

"Oh. And why doesn’t daddy like you?" She asked him.

"Because when you were born, I killed your mother. I would have killed your daddy too, but he stopped me." He took a step towards Lilly-Lynne, but she took a step back and screamed.

A little girl would have screamed and ran.

Her dad looked up and saw the hooded man. He had charged at him and knocked him to the ground.

How far away were the berry bushes? If a person runs at you from a distance, you have time to dodge etc. If the berry bush was close, her father would have heard the conversation. You need a proper transition scene here.

In her fright, Lilly-Lynne dropped her doll, Lizzie. Thinking back on that, Lilly-Lynne began to wonder where her doll was now. She didn’t have a chance to think for long, because the sound of glass breaking interrupted her thoughts. She ran to the window and leaned out as far as she could to see what was going on. Luckily for her, there was no fog that day so she could see all the way down the tower.

And this part would not be italics to symbolize the jump back to the future.

There was a boy about her age, 13 thirteen, carrying big bags of groceries. On the ground beside him was a broken milk bottle. The balloon was nowhere to be seen. A Saraka walked up to him and they talked for a second. She watched as the boy cleaned up the glass and cringed at his bloody hands.

Up until now, I thought Lilly was over twenty. I thought Jasper was in his late teens.

The Saraka said was quiet for a second, and then said something. When the boy replied, the Saraka spat on his shoe and pointed at the boys’ stomach. Lilly-Lynne got a sickening feeling when she saw that he had pulled out a bright yellow deflated balloon.

Lilly-Lynne is an awful name :P

She pulled back and let fire, the arrow screamed through the air.

If it was screaming through the air, the robot would have noticed.

At first, she thought she was dreaming, but when she sat up to look out the window, she saw the shadow of someone walking. The sun had gone down, and she could barely see. Fumbling around the room she found her candles and lit them then looked to the window again. The boy stopped walking and looked up at the window. Looking closer, she saw it was the boy who had found her note. She saw his eyes get wide and he looked faint. He shook his head in disbelief, bowed his head in respect to her, and then ran away. She sighed, feeling relieved. She knew he wouldn’t be sneaking around in the dark for no reason; no he was going to save her.

Makes me wonder why she just wasn't always dropping things out the balcony when people were walking past. It seems odd that she'd bother with a balloon when she could shoot down a note whenever she head footsteps.

Other than the things I picked up, I'm liking this story, and where it's heading. I'm just not sure how you're going to pull it off. I know it's a nice fantasy to believe that young teenagers can save the world, but you're better off making it more believable and using characters that are five or so years older.

- Jai

PS - I love to hear replied to my reviews, so don't forget to reply in this thread ;)
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