Icefire - part 7

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Okay, so I know it's been a long while, but I've had a request for more to be posted, so here's the next part! Personally, I hate this piece; I think it's a really dull, poorly written part, but it's also necessary, so for now this is it. Any and all suggestions and comments are very much welcome, as I'll be majorly editing this scene.

Here's the previous chapter if you're that dedicated. To get caught up, Lynn from Tjaele has discovered Amber from Fiamal and they've briefly talked; Amber explains that she let him live because she admires his courage and is rebelling against her queen. Peter comes upon them and Amber disappears. We're now back to Lynn's POV.

Icefire, part 7

Lynn mentally reprimanded himself. Vergal would have something to say about Lynn’s awareness, too. He grimaced to himself and looked down the streets, although he knew she wouldn’t be there. He glanced up at the buildings, quickly scanning the windows and roofs.

“What were you doing talking with her?” Peter asked.

“I had to ask her something,” Lynn said, looking back at the boy.

“About what?”

“I wanted to know why she had told you about the attack.”

“How did you know she had done that?” Peter asked, eyeing Lynn suspiciously.

“Because I was following her.”

“Why were you doing that? Do you think she’s pretty or something?”

“I’ve seen her before,” Lynn replied, deliberately ignoring the last question.

“What? When?”

Lynn studied the boy in front of him. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go somewhere more private.”

Peter glanced around. “But there’s nobody here.”

“Mm, you can’t be too sure about that,” Lynn said with a lilt to his voice. “Let’s go.”

He led Peter through the crowds, often doubling back to where they had already been.

“What are you doing?” Peter asked, exasperated.

Lynn glanced behind them. “Just making sure no one’s following us.”

“Who would be doing that?”

“You never know,” Lynn replied. He and Peter entered the inn, and Lynn led him up the stairs, ducking past windows, and finally into his room. He closed and locked the door, and then closed the window’s shutters.

Peter sighed. “You’re extremely paranoid,” he observed.

Lynn shrugged. “You have to be when you’re in my position.”

“Which is?”

Lynn leaned closer and spoke in a low voice. “I’m on a mission for Queen Navé to retrieve the Gem of Sothil before the Fiamalans get it. It would be disastrous if they were to lay hands on it.”

Lynn then proceeded to explain his mission and status. Peter only listened with wide eyes. When Lynn was done, he just sat there, stunned.

“Will you quit gaping at me like that?” Lynn said, annoyed. “I could throw an icespear in your mouth, it’s open so wide.”

That made the other boy quickly shut it, but he didn’t stop staring wide-eyed at Lynn. “I never would’ve guessed,” he murmured. “A spy.”

“No, not really,” Lynn said. “I gather information about the events transpiring in other lands.”

“So you’re a spy,” Peter repeated.

Lynn rolled his eyes. “Yes, very well,” he acceded. “But you can’t tell anyone.”

“Of course not,” Peter said indignantly. “I know better than that.”

Lynn nodded, then suddenly whipped his head towards the door.

“Keep talking,” he whispered to Peter. “Sound natural.”

If there was one thing Peter did extremely well, it was talking, so he continued chattering while he watched Lynn, who edged towards the door, drawing out an icicle. He put a hand on the knob and suddenly yanked the door open. Someone had been standing there, but the person instantly whirled around and started to run. Lynn chased the figure through the hall and grabbed her arm by the top of the stairwell.

“Not bad, Tjaelean,” the girl said, a smile creeping over her face. “I wasn’t sure if you thought you had lost me for good back there.”

Lynn shook his head. “You’re better than that,” he said.

The girl cocked her head to one side. “Well. That’s a nice thing to say. You’re not bad yourself. I suppose you saw me on the roof?”

“I did,” Lynn said, trying to keep all traces of pride from his tone.

“So what are you going to do now?”

Lynn didn’t answer as he led her to his room and closed the door. Peter watched the two eagerly, his gray eyes darting back and forth.

“First of all, I’d like to know your name,” Lynn said, crossing his arms.

“Fair enough, seeing as I know yours,” the girl said with a tone of certainty about her that Lynn found unnerving, though he didn’t show it. “My name is Amber.”

Lynn nodded, his brain whirling. What was he supposed to do with her?

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

Amber shrugged. “I was following you,” she said.

“And you took that jewel from me. Why?”

“Well you had obviously gone through a lot of trouble to get it. I figured it must be valuable.”

“But it wasn’t.”

Amber’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, I am aware of that,” she said stiffly.

“So you came all the way out here to follow me?”

“No, not you,” Amber said quickly. “I was sent here on a mission to find something of value that Queen Saron wanted. We also received word that one of the Tjaeleans was here to find the same thing.” She regarded Lynn carefully. “And I think you are.”

Lynn betrayed no sign of recognition. “And that would be?”

Amber stared back at him. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re here for?”

A ghost of a cold smile passed over Lynn’s face. “Ladies first.”

“Ah,” Amber said with a humorless grin. “But I’m not a lady. I’m just a girl.”

“Here now,” Peter suddenly interrupted. “You both answer me immediately. Are you here to find the Gem of Power?”

Lynn and Amber eyed each other a second before replying, “Yes,” simultaneously.

“Well then,” Peter said with a satisfied tone. “Now we know.”

“And that means that we’re both trying to find the same thing before the other one,” Lynn said.

Amber smiled. “Ah, but there you are wrong,” she said. “You see, I no longer support the cause of Queen Saron.”

“Why not?” Peter asked.

“That does not concern you,” Amber said with gritted teeth. “All that matters is I’m no longer aiding her. Which means I want to help you.”

Lynn shook his head. “You really think I’ll believe you?” he asked. “I’m not a total idiot.”

Amber shrugged. “Your choice,” she said. “But you know that I’m a powerful ally to have along with you. And just think, if I was truly for Queen Saron, I’d have killed you two and would have found the Gem already.”

Lynn cocked his head as he thought. She had a valid point, he had to admit. He eyed her resolute expression and realized that if he said no, she would follow them anyways. Might as well bring her along and avoid more conflict. They were wasting a lot of time already.

“Very well then,” he said. “You may come with me.”

She grinned. “Glad you decided,” she said. “Now we just have to figure out where the Gem is.”

“I know someone who can help us,” Peter suddenly piped up. “He’s a very wise old man.”

“ ‘Us’?” Lynn asked.

Peter nodded. “I’m coming with you.”
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
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Hey Ranger Hawk!

Yay! You posted! Thank you! :D

On to the nitpicks

He put a hand on the knob and suddenly yanked the door open. Someone had been standing there, but the person instantly whirled around and started to run.
Um, you said that Lynn 'locked the door and closed the shutters' but you don't mention him unlocking it...

Well, that was it! RH, I don't know what you hate this piece; I adored it. I like how you seem to effortlessly make your characters likable. I must admit, though, that Peter is my favourite. He just makes me grin like an idiot. 'Us' indeed!

I would really like to have a bit more background on Lynn and Amber, though. We're in the 7 chapter, why don't we know anything? Or maybe I have forgotten. But unless I'm mistaken, all we know of Lynn is where he's from and that he's some sort of apprentice (he keeps referring to his master's teachings) and that Amber is/the Queen's pet. Am I missing anything?

Well, I truly loved this and I do hope you post the next chappy soon!!

Tanya :D




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I, for one, am quite glad that she asked for more chapters! I was actually wondering about it too and then Tanya told me she'd PM'd you. Very happy :D

I didn't see anything for me to nit-pick on, so I won't. I thought the chapter was good, although short, I have to admit. I like the fact that Lynn knew she would follow him and the dialogue. Peter's funny too, I find, being stuck in the middle of them and wanting to come along. It's totally him :wink:

So keep posting, I can't wait to see more !!
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Thanks for the feedback you two, I really appreciate it!

Tanya, I don't go into a lot of character background--the story's only 12,000 words long, and it was originally supposed to be for a short story competition. So I didn't expand a lot on their histories, just enough to let you know how they are now. I'm thinking if I add onto this I'll have to give a lot more details about their lives, etc.

Thanks again for the read! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Review part seven

Dull? Not really. Poorly written? Not so much.

Raw, I would say. This piece does seem simply like a half woven chapter. No chapter is allowed to be included just for neccesity. You say you'll re-write it, so I won't linger too much on picking things out. It's a good start for a chapter though, let me know when you jazz it up a bit more.

I'll review the rest of the story at a later date - if I don't, spam me until I do :)
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