Pieces of a Life

[Removed for editing]

Reminder to myself to give this the wonderfully long review it deserves.

Expect to see something here.

Sargsause, hello there! The name’s Lily and I’ll be your reviewer today!

Okay, two little nitpicks.

The crowded sidewalks of the Fashion District moved like an inky wave of multicolor ants.

First you said that he was avoiding the Fashion District but now he’s there. Is it for the job that he was offered? If so, explain this a little. Why would he do it even if he’s trying to avoid the area? It would only take a sentence or two.

Traffic was still at a standstill.

This sounds odd because you used ‘still’ and ‘standstill’ together in the same sentence.


OVERALL, this is really good. Like, really really good!

At first, I was expecting this to just be a very long, silly read but as I continued to read, I was enthralled in the way you describe everything. It isn’t heavily descriptive but rather a nice, mellow mix of smart vocabulary and action.

You did a wonderful job. I have nothing truly negative to say about this.

Reporting from a hotel in India before breakfast is ready:

Navita: if it weren't for the "wonderfully," I'd be nervous about the impending "long review." XD maybe I should still be nervous...

Lily:
Fashion District: okay, gotcha. Maybe I shoulda made a point of saying something like his rent was due or whatever.
"Still": whoops! Yeah that sentence definitely looks silly. Thanks for pointing it out.
Thanks very much for the comment!

Sarg

Hello!

Overall, I liked this piece. It was nicely paced, and I liked your writing style. The only thing nitpick-y that I found with this was:

Traffic was still as a standstill

"Still as a standstill" didn't really make much sense. Try using another word to describe the traffic.

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

Hope this helps!

- RedRaven

Holy moly. That was scary, not in the sense that it was frightening, but in the sense that you've got complete control over the plot while the reader has virtually none. The fact that time works backwards (loved the brainpower needed to slot the pieces in place!) - kind of - made it like a crime-scene investigation's analysis and notes of an event; I am still reeling over the last action, actually. So, the guy's mentally deranged. Fine. I would have liked to have known, perhaps a little more specifically, in what way - i.e. what exactly the symptoms and name for the condition was. But that's just the scientist in me rearing out. All I'm saying is that the mystery of the mental condition doesn't work in my case; making me unecessarily curious when I should really be focussing on other things.

Aftermath

Too short for my liking. It almost detracts from the mystery - I don't bother giving it much weight or importance until the very end. Perhaps dangling more tasty morsels of information in front of us might work better, seeming to say everything while giving nothing away. Or, at the very least, a better opening line. Something a little more grabbing than the fakely cheerful note - but then again, perhaps, in the long run, this worked to your advantage, since it helped give a light comic interlude to something far more serious.

Five months prior

Now this is a wonderful hook, a stunner of an opening line! He's 'diseased' enough already, so I'd say no need to make him seem downright and unecessarily weird by mouthfuls like:

least offensive state of suspended animation.

Seems like it's just a space filler, actually. And:

strings of fabric he called clothing.

It doesn't add to any kind of effect; makes it look weak, rather. 'Strings of fabric'? Okay, so we know he's deranged, but it's more a visual-see-too-many-details-pain thing, isn't it - as opposed to a I'm-quirky-and-weird-and-like-to-overcomplicate thing?

The crowded sidewalks of the Fashion District moved like an inky wave of multicolor ants. It surged in places, found outlets to pour into, and crawled over itself with intoxicated abandon.

Hmmm, the use of two similes within the space of two sentences annoys me ('smothered me like a soggy, tangled blanket' - didn't like that one much, while 'like an inky wave of multicolour ants' is more, well, colourful, I guess). But the second line above was great.

This was a mistake, and now I’m going to die

The action, the short, sharp lines were fine until we got to this. What is the purpose of 'now I'm going to die' other than sounding melodramatic?

And after this, up until the 'three-legged race' part, it's also fantastic. Detailed, punchy, exactly what I'd be looking for. Just a small issue: how can he not realise that the person holding him is a woman? I mean, surely, the clothing, the voice, the body shape ('slender limbs') - I'd say any of these would give her away easily. It's an unneeded surprise, actually.

After this...I begin to lose interest a little. A list-ish description of the woman (info dumps are not my thing), and then some rather predictable, man-meets-woman conversation - all kind of 'been there, done that' style. For this very predictability, the romance sounds awkward, childishly contrived, even. 'Like a real photographer?' '...afraid of stalkers...' 'My name's Rebecca. What's yours?' ---> while these are perfectly acceptable lines in regular conversation, in a story as cunningly crafted as this, they appear weak. I'd probably have ended on the line: 'I looked at the woman and caught my breath,' while having made clear earlier that Peter knows that it's a woman. Everything past that...it's all easy to imagine - no need to have it there.

Fifteen years prior

Okay, so possibly my favourite part in the whole lot. It's just so tight, so action packed, with obvious characterisation occurring throughout with the dialogue, which I thought was much better written here. Much more natural, while still being original, if that makes sense. I loved the way you had the Bang written there, and the obvious one-liner desrciptions interspersing the action, making it vaguely more palatable, but failing wonderfully. For me, the most powerful line in the whole of this story was: 'I took their picture.' *shudders*

It's weird, but on the one hand, that info dump after that amazing line is sort of needed, to tell us what's happened in the meantime. I appreciated that you'd taken the time to tell us what was going on - kind of. Of course, you rather cleverly left his mental derangement for last, so that humungous question is still looming there. But on the other hand...I don't know - I just don't like the idea of giving a 'summary of MC's life' in one go. Surely there must be a way to incorporate it in a bit more. Anyway, it's a minor issue, but still...I just think that with the excitement of the previous part and the strength of the writing there, this just seems to fall flat. Even if it does provide some much-needed relief about the previous scene.

A confession

Just had a thought here: what if the whole story was written with no capitalisation of the first letter of sentences? Just curious, that's all - it'd make him seem more derange without you trying.

The very fact that it's a confession sends me flying across possible scenarios. The whole of the first five paragraphs here are vivid, descriptive, plotless...like a striptease before the actual confesssion. And funny that the afternoon is white of all colours - the colour of truth and holiness. I almost felt cheated, at the end of the 'confession' that it had all been revealed. Of course, at the end I knew I had majorly been cheated, since the real confession is not of how he tells her, but of how he kills her.

Again, the 'Okay?' lines and those following come across as redundant, falsely cheerful and romantic, in a story where romance has little focus. What's the point of them swapping places, besides the fact that it allows her to discover 'the picture'? Seems like an unecessary complication. Better if she were to stumble in on it. And why would he leave it out in the open anyway? Why would he forget he had it? Or...did he leave it there on purpose? He can't have; since it seems to jolt him a lot as well. Then how did it get there?

I gazed down at the photo—at my life.

Argh. Seems like a pathetically weak character to attribute one bad thing that happened in his life to all of it.

But the lead up to it, and the final, cliffhanger of an ending was breathtaking. The parallel construction with the line 'I took her picture' was just...wow. I care immensely about the why and the how of it all - why did he do it? Which screw fell off? What was the trigger, the exact trigger? And then again, I don't want to linger on it for too long; I don't want to think about something as horrible, so that sort of saves you from the incessant questions of mine.

Anyway, thank you for putting this up. Hope you're enjoying India! (and not melting in the heat...)

Ahoy! So far the weather's not too terrible. It's been "raining" (read: "misting"). Anyway there's too much going on to care.

I know you like the 'behind the scenes' to be mystery, so don't read ANY of the below if you don't want.

As for his exact condition...I wish I had consulted some psych books before choosing his illness...but in all reality it's quite counterfeit and based on nothing but crude fantasy. Quite counterfeit. The idea of admitting a fake disease to a female interest is actually lifted from Nabokov, who admits in one book that: when he walks down the street, some buildings are on the left and some on the right. When he reaches the end of the street, he turns around and suddenly all buildings have switched. What was left is now right and vice versa. This realization is crippling to him.
But if it satisfies you at all, what I was going for was a fear of the impermanent. Y'know, his dad was never there, his mother was too bitter, some woman comes and goes from his home, and just when his dad is coming around and spending time, he dies. So as for the why Peter did it, it was because of the shattering of expectations and that the only thing that kept his parents 'in his life' was the photos of them deceased. What Peter didn't realize was that it wasn't a disease of details so much as the impending fact that everything he beheld could never be his.

As for the chipper note in the beginning: i apologize to my readers for I realize it's a trifling way to start (and I'm glad you caught it. You passed the test!) It's actually my own inside joke. The whole idea for the story was conceived in a used bookstore in new york city. I found that note in a photography book and mulled over the possible reasons why someone would sell off a book with the note from someone who loved them still in it. Obviously, though, there was no blood on it.

As for the confession, yeah I was going for the bait and switch. If this were a cartoon or a comedy, he would have said the confession of illness all while dangling a sign over his head that said "watch your back, I already told the audience someone's going to die."


As for the change of places, I suppose that was his way of coming out of his shell.
I think what I put in one draft that didn't make it to the final cut was the idea that he had some post traumatic memory loss and he was afraid of that roll of film but never really remembered what was on it. So it would then come as a surprise to him when that's what she pulls from the freezer. I think I pulled it from the final copy because it was too much work and too contrived to put those words in there to explain it.

END SPOILER

as for the rest: thanks a bunch for the comments and criticisms!

Hey! Thanks for clarifying that up - and no, I like to know what's going on in the writer's minds when writing. That's the reason why I try and get to the heart of it. Learning about the conception of this idea was intriguing - a bookstore, you say?

I see the Nabokov allusion now, but I still don't think it's as apparent to most readers. Plus, the 'fear of the impermanent' - that could be a lot tighter, I reckon. I think you need a bit more of a symbol to illustrate that, over and beyond the obvious photos; or perhaps a better way of incorporating them in there. An emphasis on the difference between 'movement' and 'stillness' would work - it's simple, but effective, and ties in with the photograph-motif.

I also get the idea of post-traumatic memory loss (my own character suffered from a similar reaction of the sort!), but a little clearer explanation would be much appreciated.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this! An engrossing read

This is pretty fantastic. Navita gave you a full crit, so I'm just going to stop by with fragmented comments.

“You may have noticed by now,” I said, “that I don’t like going out much. I—the truth is—I physically can’t handle it. No wait. I don’t know. I don’t really know how to say this because I’ve never tried to convey it.” I hesitated and felt angry at myself for fumbling at vague statements. Regrouping, I tried again. “For example, the fact that all senses can be in pain. You can touch something hot, you can hear a piercing noise, you can taste bitterness, you can smell pungency, and you can be blinded. Those pains are caused by overstimulation of the sense, right?”

“But maybe, blindness works differently for me, or all visual perception is different. Most people can view events and focus on what’s important and filter out the rest. However, it feels like my eyes cannot help but try to perceive and render everything before me. Like a camera, to see every hair, every gesture, every blink. Nothing is hidden. And I feel utterly crushed by the vision. For me, to see a crowded street is to see every vacant stare, every open mouth, and every dirty hand. In each instant, I’m overwhelmed by sight. It wears away at me.

Something about this explanation is too contrived and wordy. This is a complicated subject, as he said, and I don't think he's talked about too much with anyone else. Yet the explanation rolls off his tongue easily and elegantly, as if he's practiced in front of a mirror dozens of times. This is hard for him to say, yes? He's trying to get it right.

I also agree that the original description of Rebecca is overdone and list-y. You have some beautiful phrases there, and I know that your MC is incredibly observant, but it's an overwhelming picture for the readers. Reveal things about her as we get to know her, instead of dropping a wall of text.

Finally, my last comment is about the story as a whole. While it's wonderful (seriously, this is good stuff) I feel like the character's disease, his fear of time passing and wonderful things fleeting, is underplayed. It's too important a theme in the story to mention only once or twice. I like how you capture it with the photographs, but just dropping hints here and there about that mentality, him thinking he has to savor what's good while it's still there, would tie the story together and make the end even more powerful.

Although it was pretty powerful in itself. That repetition "I took her picture". It's magnificent.

On a similar note, the murderous aspect of this is left a little muddy. I'm confused as to whether the killing and photographing is a hobby of his, or if it was just Rebecca after some unknown trigger. It's so powerful, but, again, a little underplayed. Just a suggestions: what if Rebecca finds a whole roll of pictures like the one from his birthday? Person after person, lying on the floor, Peter capturing their last moments in attempt to preserve them forever. She could find the roll, look through them in horror, and have the last one be his parents.

Basically, I just think this needs tiny bit more overarching plot and connectors to tie it together. Your writing style is fabulous and the way the scenes are crafted is really skillful, but extra tidbits here and there about his mentality and what he has done/is willing to do would give the ending more of an impact. This is in Peter's perspective-- take advantage of that.

Great job. Keep writing!

~Evi