My legs took action before I could think, springing into a sprint down the hall. I had to go blank, had to stop thinking, before I could even hope to forget the depression wrapping its chains around me. If I managed to run fast enough, with as many turns as I could, my mind would stop trying.
Of course, I had realized this the second that blanket of numbness dropped over me, so I was already in full on escape mode. Bern was a labyrinth of halls and corridors, but I knew the layout by heart. Left, right, right, another, another, then a left, then another. My mind shot out directions before I could even start to question my motives, and so I was put in constant motion.
I caught glimpses of myself in the windows of doors and almost didn't recognize myself. I just saw a small girl with her thick brown hair blown straight back, rippling with every step, her muscles trembling with exertion and anguish, her cheeks shining with a thick layer of tears, her skin pale and drawn. What most stuck out about that girl were her eyes. They were wide and round, the blue gray irises contrasting greatly with the whites that were red from crying, the thick black lashes twined into spikes with tears.
But there was something in them; a desperation, a wildness, and such sorrow it was almost unbearable, all laced with shots of adrenaline. She was the type of girl you wanted to hug and hold and tell it would be alright, but that you were just too terrified to approach. And then a quarter of a second later, she was gone again, replaced with lacquered white bricks.
I tried not to think at all, just to run and run and never stop, but images invaded my mind. Seth smiling at me, my dad shutting the door behind him, Rose and Fay cracking up across the table as I let the point of my pencil dawdle on my skin, Kahla jeering at me from onstage... I shook my head violently and squeezed my eyes shut, crying out as I did so. Couldn't my mind understand that I had to forget all this... all this.... pain before I could triumph? Couldn't it understand that I wanted less, not more?
For years, I had been Miss Bubbly, Miss Perfect. Last year everything had changed. My parents divorced, I slipped in and out of depression, and my friends drifted away from me. This year was even worse. I listened to hard rock and wore black, loose fitting clothes. I let my hair fall in my eyes and grew reserved and sullen. I could be happy and outgoing on a good day, but unfortunately those were becoming increasingly rare. I was Miss Dark, Miss I'm Fine, Leave Me Alone. If the pain was too much, it would overflow to anything with a point. I used a pencil for the most part, but I dabbled in other things.
I swerved into the cafeteria and managed a few more long steps to the center before I collapsed, unable to choke down my sobs any longer. Seth had been my lifeline, and now I was losing him like I was losing all the others. I was on my hands and knees, my arms wrapped around my head, my back arched. I wailed into the tile and rolled onto my side, pulling my knees into my chest. I pulled out my pencil and began dragging the point across my left wrist. Each spark of pain ignited a fire of hope that I was still alive and I was still human.
I heard heavy footsteps approaching. Though the vision was blurry and warped, I could just make out Seth running towards me. I tried to get up and run, but my legs shook and gave out beneath me. I shouted as my knees hit and a more blunt pain shocked my body, but cut it short as Seth grew near. I glared and hoped it wouldn't lose any of its fury through a film of salt water.
He knelt by my side. "Codi, I-"
"No! Seth, just go, alright? Go and have your happy ever after. I've given up mine for others before, and I will again. So just go before I decide this was a mistake." I snapped, rolling over away from him.
"Codi, plea-"
"NO!" I roared before he could protest again. I forced myself upright, and though the muscles in my legs screamed for me to give in, I bit my lip and ran forward.
Just as a clenching pain twisted in my lower belly.
SHIZ.
I whimpered through clenched teeth and ran faster, letting panic seep into my calves and thighs. I jolted forward down Center West just as Seth gained speed behind me. I tried not to shriek and poured on the power.
Have to reach Rose, have to reach Rose, have to reach Rose.
That was my mantra, my motto.
Because Rose would know, and Rose was always prepared. In every way.
Another cramp passed through (I substituted a nasty swear under my breath) and forced my upper half to seize up. I was paralyzed, essentially. My eyes widened in fear, and the steady stream of oaths that had been running through my mind picked up the pace. And then- halle-freaking-lujah!- there was Mrs. Jedd's class. I dodged in, grabbed Rose's shoulders, and whispered my situation to her. She handed me her pencil bag and squeezed my shoulder empathetically.
I raced to the nearest bathroom (narrowly missing a bewildered Seth on the way) frantically. Gah! Now, cycle, NOW?! This is... this is... should be illegal! I thought furiously, not caring that for once, my words weren't in perfect order. I whimpered again as stars popped in my line of vision, brought on by an futile effort to fight the paralysis. I left the stall several seconds later (yeah, like I'm telling you what happened there), waited a moment, and lo and behold, no more cramps! Insert sigh of relief.
I rifled around in Rose's pencil bag. My hand knocked aside something rectangular and smooth, and I grabbed it.
Oh, Rosie- posie, you think of everything.
I bit into the Hershey's bar and found myself devouring it. I made a mental note to thank Rose profusely and slipped out of the girl's room and into Mrs. Jedd's. Seth popped up beside me, and I decided not to fight it anymore.
I twisted his arm behind his back, slammed his head onto the brick pillar beside us, and dug my knee into his spine.
I caught a glimpse of a beaming Nadia, looking very proud, as did Lori. I granted them a small smile, and then returned my attention to matters at hand. I dipped forward and hissed, "Stop being such a little flirt. Got it? It's disgusting, and I'm disgusted. If you so much as blink in an alluring manner, I will go off on you, and this time, it will hurt more. Trust me."
Seth whimpered out an affirmative. Immediately after I released my death hold, he whipped around and wrapped his arms around me, pressing my head into his t-shirt. I yelped, "Not so tight!" and he relaxed his grip, but he was clearly not about to let me go.
"Any better?" he asked.
"You know how I am."
"Soooo...?"
I sighed. "Some."
And, of course, my eight grade, ginger haired friend Jaykob hobbled up, leaning on an imaginary cane and hunched over, and stroked Seth's now free arm. "Oh, you're a quite the catch," he said in his generic Flirty Old Woman voice. I tried not to shift around too much as I cracked up, the last tendrils of cold, harsh, dark slipping into the shadows of my mind.
Welcome to my life.
