A peom of lines

i wrote you a poem,
i wrote it on my wrist.
The criss cross lines,
that lead up to my fist.

the story of my life,
the music of my soul.
the blood upon the knife,
the truth left untold.

a secret worth hiding,
a lie worth lieing.
A tear untouched,
reveals that I'm crying.

the slightest mistake,
can finish me off.
that is a risk,
I'm willing to take.

Nice work, for the most part. I like the second stanza the most. One thing I believe you should watch out for the use of punctuation, in this case commas. The two commas in the last stanza are unnecessary; they just disrupt the flow of the lines. Also, in the third stanza, the word "lieing"... I believe you mean "lying." I like the finality in the poem's last line. Good work.

Hello there, once again, allmixedup!

Okay, once again you need to capitalize things. I find it somewhat hard to focus on the poem with all those lowercase letters, especially the 'I's. But for the most part I think you did pretty good on this.

Keep up the great poetry. =D

~Heather

Wow....that was great. You are an amazing writer!

I realy liked this peice. It was raw emotion, and awesomly written. I enjoy reading fiction but this was something real and it cuts down to the brutal honest truth of things.

I really really like this peice the emotion thats there that makes the reader think and to be able to feel emotion there. OVERALL this Work is Great and Very Orginal <3

Hiya Allmixedup. I'll be your reviewer for today. Well all I really have to sya is that you need to capitalize those "I"s.
The flow goes pretty well. I like it. Keep writing.
~Ladypurple.

Ok, the poem itself was essentially good on the whole, but you've got some major punctuation issues. Ever heard of commas? Also, you spelled lying wrong, and I just don't get how you are writing a poem, but spell the word wrong in the title.

~Lindsay
"Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights." ~(By me)

Why is one of my first works suddenly getting reviews *is confused* But hey.... I'm not complaining!

I don't really have much to say about it, AMU. However, I'm going to attack it and then give you an overview of why I did. As is usual, corrections in red.

I wrote you a poem;
I wrote it on my wrist.
The criss-cross lines,
that lead up to my fist. <---this is not a sentence. don't treat it like one by using sentence-like punctuation.

The story of my life,
the music of my soul.
The blood upon the knife,
the truth left untold. <---none of this is a complete sentence. fix it and make it cohesive.

A secret worth hiding,
a lie worth lieing. <---also not a sentence. fix it.
A tear untouched,
reveals that I'm crying.

The slightest mistake,
can finish me off.
That is a risk,
I'm willing to take.

So, here's the hard part:

I didn't like this at all, AMU. And why is that?

1. It has been done so many times before and depicts nothing beautiful or stirring in the mind or soul of the reader. It's about cutting. Everyone is capable of creating this image. Everyone will see blood in their lifetime. Make it original.

2. Even if it did have a deeper message, the poor grammar and lack of sentence structure will turn off your higher-level reader because it sounds elementary.

If you fix it and make it more original, beautiful, stirring, and grammatically correct, then I will read it again and give another review. You have potential; remember that.

-Lumiface

Oh, and a side-note, what is a Peom? (look at the title)

What's a peom? I'm very curious...

I misspelled poem, I was such a noob : P

OKAY... so, first of all, I liked this piece
Now, second of all, What happened to your beautiful rhyming scheme?!
You had this perfect little pristine, gorgeous, subtle rhyming scheme in your first two stanzas. And then, it slowly fell apart. Just like my heart.
It was heartbreaking.
..I would suggest continuing it, if you didn't get that. c:
Third of all.. spelling spelling spelling. Spelling and grammar are two often overlooked pieces of writing, but they're also really important.. they allow the reader to flow through your words unbogged, smiling at the phrasing and images rather than darting their eyes up at previously read lines to that glaring mistake, making sure that it's staying on the screen and isn't going to leap off and devour them.
I would recommend putting this through spellcheck. (And you still haven't changed the title from "Peom". I first wondered if you meant "Peon".)
Fourth: I would think about capitalizing.. not the entire poem, mind you. Perhaps ease into the capitilization world with a few "I"s. And then see where that takes you.
Fifth: This topic is a tough one to write one.. it's still pretty taboo, it's painful (physically and emotionally.. and mentally, for that matter), and people just generally don't touch it. You chose to. Now you must rise to the occasion. I want originality when I read about cutting.. it's a new topic. It deserves to be a coveted one in the writing world. I thought the first few lines were nice.. the comparison of cutting to a poem.. nice image. I would go further with your imagery and metaphors, take it to another creativity level. I want madness in this.. I want creativity and originality, something I've never thought of before, something I've never read about before.
Sixth: I would also punctuate this according to what Lumierre said.. if it's not a sentence, it doesn't get a period. That's all.
Seventh: Again, I will say. This was a nice piece. Please don't get discouraged. This was good, but I think it can be better. Improving is always a good thing.



Thanks!

-Coral-

Hi Allmixedup,

Firstly, thanks heaps for your birthday wishes - much appreciated! Now onto your poem.

I though your poem was good. I liked the rhyming and loved the second and third stanzas! The poem had a nice flow to it, but it kind of ended in the last paragraph, where the first and fourth lines rhyme instead on the first and third. Maybe make the first and third rhyme instead if you want it to flow.

Even though I liked the rhyming, I thought this poem could be better if it didn't rhyme. Because it rhymes, its sounds a bit too nice and sweet. Maybe if it wasn't rhyming, you could make it darker and deeper, so its not too nice - but not evil either!

Otherwise, it was good! My best wishes for your future writing!

RedLeaf

That was very strong and very sad.
Your imagery is beautiful and so intense, it's like I can see into the characters mind, which is very freaky. Your narrator was strong and well developed, so congrats on that
Your flow was good, your stanza well-written
good job, keep writing
~WickedWonder