The Other Place Prologue

I didn't know if I was supposed to put this in Action/Adventure or Fantasy. It was originally supposed to be horror, but this site doesn't seem to have a horror secton
So, sorry if this is in the wrong category. WARNING It's not quite 12+. more like 14+, but there isn't an option for that.

Ben opened his eyes. The sun glared three times as bright as it usually did from a cloudless sky. It was hot. It was dry. There was a flat bed of send as far as the eye could see. Ben shielded his eyes from the giant sun. Harsh desert winds began to blow all around him, obstructing his vision with a whirlwind of sand. In the distance, though he could not quite make it out clearly, he saw a hazy figure walking towards him. As it came closer, he saw that it was clothed in thick robes that obstructed its face, despite the great desert heat. It carried a wooden staff. It seemed unaffected by the wind and the sheer brightness of the strange, unearthly sun. Ben felt a strange sense of fear as the figure drew closer and closer. He wanted to run away from whatever lurked beneath those heavy folds of material. Instead, his feet, of their own accord, carried him toward the figure. The figure stopped mere feet away from him. Then it spoke.
"The way is open."
The voice was deep and very loud. It echoed all around him, drowning out the howling wind and filling him with such fear that he shut his eyes and sank to his knees, covering his head in his hands. The voice spoke again.
"The way is open."
The voice was even louder, this time joined by thousands of other ethereal voices.. Ben felt a sudden, sharp pain in his head. It spoke again.
"The way is OPEN."
Intense, unbearable pain shot through Ben's mind, blinding him, making him shout out, but he could not hear his own voice. The desert and the strange figure seemed to be fading away into blackness.
Ben sat up sharply, gasping for air. The intense light and heat was gone. He was sitting in his own bed. It was only another dream.... Ben rose up from his bed, kicking his sheets aside. He walked to the bathroom. He had been having these dreams for months now, and he could never get back to sleep after one. Shaking his head, he turned on the tap and splashed some water on his face. The dream was fading. He tried to remember what that strange figure had been trying to tell him. Grasping at a towel blindly, he seized one and began the rigorously rub his face. When he was done, he glanced in the mirror.
A nightmare stared back at him. It was his own face, but horrible disfigured. His skin was torn to shreds, leaving muscle and bone exposed. Blood was everywhere. Ben screamed and stumbled back backwards against the wall, unable to tear his eyes from his own bloody face. In the corner of his eye he saw the reflection of that same cloaked figure from his previous dream, standing, almost floating, in the bathtub. A white, skeletal hand reached out to Ben. Ben stumbled away, breathless with fear.
"Heed my warning."
Ben awoke with a yell.
"Excuse me, Mr. Jayson, if the Wars of the Roses is not exciting enough for you, but I will have to ask you to stay awake in my class from now on."
Ben sat bolt upright in his chair. He was sitting in Ancient History. His hand went to his face. He felt only smooth skin. He relaxed slightly. He had never had a dream like that before. It was extremely real...
"Mr. Jayson. Are you going to pay attention or not?" snapped a woman at the front of the classroom. With a flush of embarrassment, Ben noticed that all eyes in the room were on him.
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry," he replied.
"Good," said the teacher, and in a few moments the class was back in its unexciting stupor...

The voice was deep and very loud. It echoed all around him, drowning out the howling wind and filling him with such fear that he shut his eyes and sank to his knees, covering his head in his hands. The voice spoke again.
"The way is open."
The voice was even louder, this time joined by thousands of other ethereal voices.. Ben felt a sudden, sharp pain in his head. It spoke again.
"The way is OPEN."
Intense, unbearable pain shot through Ben's mind, blinding him, making him shout out, but he could not hear his own voice. The desert and the strange figure seemed to be fading away into blackness.
Ben sat up sharply, gasping for air. The intense light and heat was gone. He was sitting in his own bed. It was only another dream.... Ben rose up from his bed, kicking his sheets aside. He walked to the bathroom. He had been having these dreams for months now, and he could never get back to sleep after one. Shaking his head, he turned on the tap and splashed some water on his face. The dream was fading. He tried to remember what that strange figure had been trying to tell him. Grasping at a towel blindly, he seized one and began the rigorously rub his face. When he was done, he glanced in the mirror.
A nightmare stared back at him. It was his own face, but horrible disfigured. His skin was torn to shreds, leaving muscle and bone exposed. Blood was everywhere. Ben screamed and stumbled back backwards against the wall, unable to tear his eyes from his own bloody face. In the corner of his eye he saw the reflection of that same cloaked figure from his previous dream, standing, almost floating, in the bathtub. A white, skeletal hand reached out to Ben. Ben stumbled away, breathless with fear.
"Heed my warning."
Ben awoke with a yell.
"Excuse me, Mr. Jayson, if the Wars of the Roses is not exciting enough for you, but I will have to ask you to stay awake in my class from now on."
Ben sat bolt upright in his chair. He was sitting in Ancient History. His hand went to his face. He felt only smooth skin. He relaxed slightly. He had never had a dream like that before. It was extremely real...
"Mr. Jayson. Are you going to pay attention or not?" snapped a woman at the front of the classroom. With a flush of embarrassment, Ben noticed that all eyes in the room were on him.
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry," he replied.
"Good," said the teacher, and in a few moments the class was back in its unexciting stupor...

Hi there Paper! I’m Lily and I’m very pleased to finally make your acquaintance. *bows* On to the reviews!
*skips over to the review-mobile*

There was a flat bed of send as far as the eye could see.

Oopsies, typo!

this time joined by thousands of other ethereal voices..

Oopsies again! Two periods!

The intense light and heat was gone.

I have this deal going with subject-verb agreement. You see, I promised SVA that if I spot a mistake someone makes in SVA, I’d point it out. Well, here you have two subjects (light and heat) but your verb is singular so ‘was’ should be ‘were.’ Yeah, I have an English teacher who is a freak about subject-verb agreement which has kind of made me one, too.



Repetition
One problem I did see a lot (which is why I didn’t go through and point out every single thing I saw) but you do have a lot of repetitive wording in this story, especially when you are describing and telling about actions. Even words that are not exactly the same can seem repetitive actually are like when you said: back backwards. Usually, you can just cut one when you have something like this. ‘back’ would be the easiest to get rid of in that particular case.
I’m rambling here, but what I’m getting at is, when you overuse a word, people might find that you lack a full, creative vocabulary and I highly doubt that’s true. So show them wrong!...okay?


But I definitely like how you’re writing this. It was a bit like a, “ooh it’s a dream, everything is okay. And then bam, you were dreaming that it was a dream!” I wasn’t completely expecting it which is really cool that you caught me off guard. So good job!


If you have any questions about my review, or any questions at all, just PM me and let me know.

~lilymoore

Hello papersoltice, pleasure to make your acquaintance. Before I talk about the story itself, I suggest you format this story as "story", an option you can find at the bottom of the post if you edit it. It separates the paragraphs and makes the piece easier to read and focus on.

There was a flat bed of send as far as the eye could see.

Flat bed of send? Sand, I believe.

The desert and the strange figure seemed to be fading away into blackness.
Ben sat up sharply, gasping for air. The intense light and heat was gone. He was sitting in his own bed.

This is a scene change, where a certain amount of time passes in between sentences, and it'll help the reader keep track if you separate the scenes more. Add an * or *** maybe, just to break it up and keep things clear.

"Good," said the teacher, and in a few moments the class was back in its unexciting stupor...

"Unexciting stupor" is a kind of redundant phrase, don't you think? Stupors are unexciting by definition, so you're just being repetitive here.

Overall

Okay...did you post this prologue twice? It seems so. After the bit where he wakes up in ancient history class, it repeats itself. Proof-read before you post to be sure stuff like that doesn't happen.

As a whole, the story is intriguing, if not original. There have been stories before where the first time a character sees this strange world/sees what is to come in his future, it's through a dream. It's going to be important that you differentiate your story from these.

Lily is also right about being repetitive! Apart from that one thing I pointed out, you also over-described the heat and sun in the beginning, using about every word possible to describe a desert. However, in other places, like when he wakes up in him house and the classroom, it's almost under-described. Make sure to find that balance. Sketch the scene, but leave the readers to fill in more intimate details.

Watch the use of ellipses (the ...s) because, when overused, they become tacky. The only true excuse for using the "dot dot dot" is in dialogue when a character stops mid-sentence, such as:

"Well, I was wondering if you would..." she trailed off, looking down.

All in all, a good, solid start. Your writing is vivid, although I do feel like you need to forge more of a connection with Ben. The whole narrative seems rather disconnected from the main character, and even though it is third person, you still need that perspective. Make sure Ben reacts to everything around, and show us those reactions instead of telling us how he feels.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi