funkyreg101 wrote:A lonesome balloon floated down steadily in the dark of night. I, its bright yellow exterior glowing brightly against the dreary, damp, and dark town. The owner of the balloon was high above, watching it from a lonesome window in a tower that soared high above the tops of the other buildings in the town. She prayed with all her heart that someone would find it. Her sobs were swept away in the wind, and her tears were lost in the clouds. She watched the balloon until it was no longer visible, before ducking back into the top room of the tower. Where was she before, then?
funkyreg101 wrote:“What is that?” Jasper whispered under his breath. He instantly regretted it, and glanced around to make sure no one heard. Why would he regret saying that? Even after reading the whole story, I don't understand. Ever since the Saraka’s took over Death-Wood Town, the color and life had been sucked from everything. The streets no longer smelled of the bakeries that used to line the streets. You repeat 'streets' twice in here. Color of any kind had disappeared. You just said that. I would take this out, or replace the 'color and life had been sucked from everything' sentence with this one. The buildings had been stripped of their brightness and were painted black orgreygray. No onetalkedspoke. I think that word helps the sentence flow much better. If they Specify 'they'. did, it was no louder than a whisper. Everyone lived in fear of being taken away by the Saraka’s, like Princess Lilly-Lynne had You make it sound as if she only lived in fear of being taken away like everyone else, but never was actually taken away. . No one knew where she had been taken to, or if she was even alive. Start a new sentence her.SSo, seeing something so bright in such a dark town was shocking. He was the only one outside, because everyone was scared to death of death. Lol, what? 'To death of death'?
funkyreg101 wrote:Jasper glanced around once again before casually waltzing 'Waltzing'? That word seems so out of place, in my opinion. And why would he do so 'casually'? Is it because that's his personality? over to the bright yellow balloon and snatchinged it up. He looked all around it, making sure there was nothing importanton itnear it. He saw nothing, but noticedbut a scrap of paper lying inside. Writing could be seen scrawled on. Incomplete sentence. He bit a small hole in it, In what? keeping his back to the streets, and his front to the large tower that had been mysteriously built after Princess Lilly had been kidnapped. He did this so no one could see the splash of yellow against black Of what?. After he squeezed the air out of the balloon, he tucked it under his shirt and hurried back to his home.
A lonesome balloon floated down steadily in the dark of night. Its bright yellow exterior glowing brightly you already mentioned the balloon was bright against the dreary, damp, dark not really necessary to mention the town being dark, since you already said it was nighttime town. The owner of the balloon was high above, watching it from a lonesome window in a tower that soared high above the tops of the other buildings in the town. She prayed with all her heart someone would find it. Her sobs were swept away in the wind, and her tears were lost in the clouds. She watched the balloon until it was no longer visible, before ducking back into the top room of the tower. mysterious...
“What is that?” Jasper whispered under his breath. He instantly regretted it, and glanced around to make sure no one heard. Ever since the Saraka’s should be Sarakas or Sarakai (whatever is your plural of Saraka) took over Death-Wood hyphen necessary? Town, the color and life had been sucked from everything. The streets no longer smelled of the bakeries that used to line the streets. Color of any kind had disappeared. The buildings had been stripped of their brightness and were painted black or grey. No one talked. If they did, it was no louder than a whisper. Everyone lived in fear of being taken away by the Saraka’s again, grammar check, like Princess Lilly-Lynne kind of a funny name, just saying had. No one knew where she had been taken to, or if she was even alive. Seeing something so bright in such a dark town was shockingwhat was so bright?. He was the only one outside, because everyone was scared to death of death.confusing...
Jasper glanced around once again before casually waltzing over to the bright yellow balloon and snatching it up. He looked all around it, making sure there was nothing important on it. He saw nothing, but noticed a scrap of paper lying inside. Writing could be seen scrawled on. He bit a small hole in it if he was so worried about making noise, why pop the balloon?, keeping his back to the streets, and his front to the large tower that had been mysteriously built after Princess Lilly had been kidnapped and no one knew where she was. Really. Are your townsfolk just dumb?. He did this so no one could see the splash of yellow against black. After he squeezed the air out of the balloon biting the balloon would have popped it, he tucked it under his shirt and hurried back to his home.
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