Open Roads *Chapter Two*

For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the or something,and you will have your answer. I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious, I could tell, because her face had stiffened. I said simply again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you."

I was speechless. Someone, somewhere there were people just like me. There were people who actually knew me. I was totally speechless. She held out her arm to me. She wanted me to grab it. Well, what was I waiting for, I had nothing to loose. I grabbed her arm, and instantly it went black for a split second.

We landed somewhere, for I had no clue where we were. Instantly answering my question, she said, "Welcome to the Shadow Lands. I looked around me, and I noticed a large mountain range in the distance. Other then that, it was very barren. There were gates too, they looked like they were surrounding a giant mound of earth, and dirt. She started walking towards it, so I followed. We reached the gate, and were greeted cheerfully, by guards. One of the guards spoke, "Good day, Guild Master." I just kinda looked at her funny, she didn't tell me she was so important. We walked through the gate, down a long tube. It looked like it was leading into the giant earth mound. It was, and we entered it. I was gigantic, it looked like a huge bank. At each end of the mound, there were booths and desks, lined up across the wall. Clerks were behind them, obviously helping people. I had noticed a sign on one of the booths, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild, Building A-registration. "Am I being registered right now?" I asked. She answered, "Not until I receive word from the Head Master, to do so." In each of the four corners were what looked like teleport tabs. I had seen pictures of these before, but I don't remember where. We walked to one of them, and we again were whisked away.

We had been transported to a long narrow hallway. It took us north. That was the direction of the gigantic mountain I saw before. We walked relatively fast. Not giving me much of an opportunity to look at the portraits, statues, and busts of famous rulers. On the door, was another sign, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild- Main Building. We were in the mountain. I had no time to look around, because we were walking so fast. I was amazed at what I got to see. Students were teleporting, and using basic elemental powers. The Guild Master spoke, very sternly, "Up stairs, and make an immediate right, the Head Master will be waiting for you." Well no turning back now, and I vanished upstairs.

Hello there, JJ!

Here to review.

For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the what? the place? or something,(space here)and you will have your answer." I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious immediately after. How did you know she became more serious. Was it because of her face? her body movement? Please specify and show us.I said cautiously again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you." Watch that you kept on using 'cautiously', please state the reason.

There was a good starting line, almost grabbing to the reader's attention. Reminder: Show don't tell. SO, it would look there's a connection happening between the characters and the reader.

She held out her arm to me.

There were gates too, they looked like they were surrounding a giant mound of earth, and dirt.

Am I being registered right now?", (unnecessary comma)I asked.

The Guild Master spoke, frightening me, "Up stairs, and make an immediate right, the Head Master will be waiting for you." Well no turning back now, and I vanished upstairs.

How would you know that the Guild Master was frightening your MC? Explain or describe. Was it his eyes? the strange atmosphere around them?



Overall:

I can see there are a lot of mistakes especially in your first paragraph, which is obviously, the starting line. You need to lessen your mistakes so the readers will be motivated to read the plot easier and more comprehensible. Okay, your spellings are very good. Grammar and spellings are flawless. Yes, you should be proud of that. As with your punctuations, I can see that you're struggling with it, so there are lesser mistakes to see. The only thing that bothers me is how you almost plainly tell us everything. Slightly, it's telling but not all. You should also try to describe the atmosphere, feelings and everything that your characters do so, we can feel the emotion coming from your characters. Let us feel their fear, anger and everything. Show us more, not only blandly telling. Like how do you describe him talking cautiously? Do his heart beats fast? Is it because he sweat? Something like that.


I really like this piece but just so you need to improve on some things.
This is a good work, especially with this type of genre. I'm not really keen at reviewing fantasy so, PM me for questions.

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

_yuri_