Dawn & Dusk Ch. 1

Okay...its been awhile since I've posted anything on this book...please no rude critiques...(is that spelt right)
This is a dream! :~D

School's over, and I look over to where that spot Mom used to be at every day after school. She isn't there... She hasn't been in that spot for a while. Why did she have to leave Dad and not take me with her?
I wave goodbye to my friends and start on my way home. I hate it. The street behind my school I cut through to get to my house scares me. Bad things happen there.
It is so hot outside today. I don't like it at all; sweat is dripping from my neck and down my back. I shrug off my backpack, and put it on my other shoulder. As I'm doing this, I see a movement at the corner of my left eye, but when I look over there, I don't see anything. I'm getting really scared, so I start to run as fast as I can.
I hear footsteps behind me and drop my backpack so I can pick up speed. My heart is racing so hard I can feel it in my head. I look behind me and see a blond guy chasing me. He looks too nice to be trying to hurt me, so I slow down. He stops running, and a smug look goes across his face.
He digs into his pocket, not taking his eyes off of me. A grin spreading across his face. He takes his hand out and I gasp. He is holding a small silver gun. I try to run, but my feet are rooted to the ground. I'm frozen.
"Wh-" I start to say, but a loud crack interrupts my words and I feel a sharp pain in my gut. I look down and see a scarlet circle. I press my hand to my stomach and red flows out from beneath my fingers.
I collapse onto the ground and look up, but the boy is already gone. I try to scream, but it comes out as a gut wrenching sob that hurts my stomach even more. I press my lips together, but that doesn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
"Skylar..." I hear someone say my name, and look up. It's a teenage boy with what seems like bottomless blue eyes, staring down at me. How does he know my name? I open my mouth to ask him, but he puts his finger over my mouth.
"Shh. Everything will be okay sweetheart, just hold on." He says, taking out a cell phone. I'm getting dizzy, I breathe in and out and try hard not to cry. I try to focus on the boy's voice but it sounds fuzzy. "Stay with me Sky! Don't you dare leave; it is not your time!" He says looking down at me.


I wake up screaming into my pillow, I can feel the tears streaming down my face... The light turns on and my father walks over to my bed.
"This is it! We're moving... I know that you can't live here. Ever since th-the-accident you have had these nightmares....Skylar, we have to. Pack up your things, because we're moving to Maine." I opened my mouth, then shut it again, not understanding why it was so sudden.
How long had he been planning this? Why now, in the middle of the year? I couldn't really focus though, because I was too busy thinking about those midnight blue eyes... Who was-is-that guy?

This dream is based on something that happened earlier in her life (if it wans't noticed), it is rushed because it doesn't go into detail abot this scene until MUCH later....sorry for all the confusion....I'm working on editing

Eyes, this was wonderful! I totally enjoyed this and I'm super curious as to what happens next. However, I do have a few nitpicks.

I collapse onto the ground and look up, but the boy was already gone.

Since you're using present tense, the use of the "was" ruins the flow of the sentence. It should probably be "is".

I try to scream, but it comes out as a gut wrenching sob, that hurts my stomach even more.

I think this sentence would flow a bit better if the comma after "sob" was taken out.

I try to focus on the boys voice but it sounds fuzzy.

"Boys" should be "boy's".


Overall, what a wonderful job! Make sure to PM when the next part is out, okay?
~Mira

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

Alright here I go.

This was a good starting point. It grabbed my attention mainly because of the boy who helped her and she doesn't know who he is. I can tell that's going to be a good plot point.

The whole part where the boy shoots her is a bit rushed. We, the readers, haven't had time to learn anything about Lilith. We know her mom left her, and she goes to school, but not a lot else. Maybe show us something more about her.

I think she'd be feeling a lot more pain if she got shot in the gut. If possible, describe her pain in more detail so we can feel it. It might be hard, unless you've been shot yourself so try you best.

At the end of the first part, did she black out? Or did she continue to look up at the boy who was trying to help her. Maybe clarify since it doesn't exactly tell us. To me, it seems like she's "reliving" the accident as a dream because she wakes up in the next part. If that's not what you meant you could change the "Six Years Earlier" part into the prologue.

Well, I hope my comments help. If you post more PM or something because I'd be happy to read more and review more of this story. I would like to find out who the mysterious boy with the "bottomless blue eyes" is. [I liked that description too!]

-Narniafreak! :]

Hi, I'm DisturbedDisorder!

Okay, so I really hope you don't hate me for saying this, and I hope you understand that we all have our own opinions, and I'm not being mean, but I didn't really like it. There isn't much known about the storyline, and that's okay because it is only the first part, but it was way too rushed. I wasn't scared or shocked when she got shot, mainly because you haven't developed her character enough for me to care, really. It was barely into the story when she got shot.

I'm going to give suggestions, though, not just tell you what I didn't like.

I think what would make it better would be if you described her feelings more. Even when she was talking about her mom leaving. My parents haven't split up, so I don't know how it feels, but my friends' parents have, and they said it is horrible. Maybe try showing her pain a little more.

It is hard to get a clear image because there is little detail about anything, even how she looks. Take more time to explain her and her surrounds.

Anyway, don't be mad because I didn't like it. It's only my view point. No matter what you write, someone, somewhere, will not like it. ^^

If you have any questions, PM me.

That was... strange. Sorry, I don't exactly understand what's going on in this story...
Maybe if it were longer, or I knew some background to it that would help. Or is that the mystery? If so, please post more! I want to know what's going on!

'and I look over to where that spot Mom used to be at every day after school' should be something like, 'to where Mom used to be every day after school' or 'to that spot Mom used to be at every day after school.'

'I hear footsteps behind me and drop my backpack so I can pick up speed. My heart is racing so hard I can feel it in my head. I look behind me and see a blond guy chasing me. He looks too nice to be trying to hurt me, so I slow down. He stops running, and a smug look goes across his face.' She just drops her backpack? Just because she hears footsteps doesn't automatically mean she's being chased. Maybe drop it after blondey pulls out the gun?

I'm sorry, but the boy with the 'bottomless blue eyes' made me go 'ugh'. Among other things, he calls her sweetheart right away? I can already see where this is kind of going. She just had a nightmare about being shot, her dad just announced that they're moving, and all she can think about is this guy in her dreams, wondering who he is? He's in her dreams! When I see somebody in a dream, I don't think 'who was that? I bet they really exist. How can I meet them in real life?' I think 'Oh, that was a weird dream. Time for Lucky Charms!'

Like others have said, this feels kind of rushed, and I don't really know a whole lot about the main character. :\

This could be interesting, but it needs some work.