When the Dragons flew.

This, I don't really know how to describe. I think it is of pure description, but I can't really pinpoint what it is. Review, rate and disect! Many thanks.
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When the dragons flew, this country had a heart. She was never led astray and always did what was right for herself and her people, for they protected her from temptation.
When the dragons flew, they made sure she didn't get hurt. If a threat came, as a virus to a wound, they would fight it until it fell, whether it be other men or things from outside. There would not be war, for they made sure she wouldn't die.
When the dragons flew, the land was prosperous, there was never famine for they, majestic beasts they were, breathed life into the very soil. They never thought of taking for themselves, they did what they thought was right for her, their mistress, Britania and her people. The people would give them offerings if they could and even when they couldn't. But the kind things that they were, would never take from who couldn't give, never discriminated between rich, poor, gender or age under their protection.
When the dragons flew, she never turned against her people, she lived when they were and died when they were dying. She was saddend when the people mourned and jolly when they celebrated.
But now, when the dragons are gone, her heart has turned to granite, Greed has infiltrated her spirit and Corruption rules this once proud land. This land will never be proud again until the dragons take flight and dance in the sky again and chase the scurge of Greed, the menace of Corruption and the plague of Injustice out of her spirit and into the sea. Then, dear friends, can we then stand tall, with Courage in our hearts and Understanding in our open minds.

This is interesting, and I kind of liked it... I didn't notice a whole lot of errors - maybe one or two here and there, but nothing big...

It's a little... Meh. I don't know. Seems like it should be a part of something bigger. Feels odd to have just this and only this... Is there more to this story?

Hi Skutter11, Coco here!

Hmm, I have to agree with Silentpages, this is interesting but there seems to be something missing, I can't quite put my finger on it myself. Right now it sounds like a long poem to me mainly because you repeat the line "When the dragons flew..." I have to ask, do you intend to create a story out of this idea, because if that was your intention maybe you can have this chapter as a narration from a particular character, if not maybe you can turn this into a poem.

Anyway, hope I helped, there really isn't much to nit-pick on this piece

Happy writing!

*coco

This was really interesting, almost poetic. I enjoyed it. There are probably a few sentences that could be re-worded to flow better, but that's minimal and to keep up the sort of poetic feel about it. A personal choice, really.

If a threat came, as a virus to a wound, they would fight it until it fell, whether it be other men or things from outside.

I don't think you mean virus. Virus' harm people, they cause illness. But the dragons "heal" the land.

Again, I really liked this. I don't think there is anything missing content-wise, but as I said re-wording could help give this more emotion and impact for something so short. Good job, and keep writing!

-Lauren-

comment are in bold

skutter11 wrote:When the dragons flew, this country had a heart. She was never led astray and always did what was right for herself and her people, for they protected her from temptation.I like this.
When the dragons flew, they made sure she didn't get hurt. If a threat came, as a virus to a wound, they would fight it until it fell, whether it be other men or things from outside. There would not be war, for they made sure she wouldn't die.But isn't fighting off invaders technically war?
When the dragons flew, the land was prosperous, there was never famine for they, majestic beasts they were, breathed life into the very soil. They never thought of taking for themselves,What did they eat, then? they did what they thought was right for her, their mistress, Britania I actually think this country exists... and her people. The people would give them offerings if they could and even when they couldn't. But the kind things that they were, would never take from who couldn't give, never discriminated between rich, poor, gender or age under their protection.
When the dragons flew, she never turned against her people, she lived when they were and died when they were dying. She was saddend when the people mourned and jolly when they celebrated.
But now, when the dragons are gone, her heart has turned to granite, Greed has infiltrated her spirit and Corruption rules this once proud land. This land will never be proud again until the dragons take flight and dance in the sky again and chase the scurgeshould be "scourge" of Greed, the menace of Corruption and the plague of Injustice out of her spirit and into the sea.Love this. Then, dear friends, can we then stand tall, with Courage in our hearts and Understanding in our open minds.

That's amazing. It sounds like a prologue to a GREAT book. Reminds me of Eragon. You should definitely write more of it!

Thanks guys! I've been on a slog recently, but it looks like I've made a comeback!