The Hidden Legend Chapter 1

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Chapter 1


A light breeze was flying from the window to her face; at that nice feeling she smiled unconsciously dreaming about the new life which was waiting for her.

It was nearly eight, ten seconds to go, nine seconds, eight seconds….eight o’clock! A loud sound hit the silence of the wide bedroom; curtains were opening by themselves, bed coats were pulled off and the main door, which was at the other end of the room, suddenly opened. At the entrance was standing a short, quite fat, little woman with wide blue eyes with both hands placed at her hips. The latter walked in the room; examined each small area, coughed, and then she went to the large windows. She opened them and went outside: on the balcony. The sight was wonderful. We could see one of the most beautiful and oldest gardens of the Kingdom which was belonging to the Royal Family: The Montagues.

Some seconds later she realized that she had to wake up a lazy young lady. So she directed herself inside the room, to only find a pure mess.

‘Good morning princess’ she said calmly. The one to whom she was talking had her right arm and left leg out of a dark pink-coloured four poster bed which full of several-shaped pillows and the thick white bedcovers half covering her body. The little woman kept standing beside the bed with crossed arms staring at the sleeping person.
Seeing that the latter didn’t even hear her she repeated ‘Good morning princess Mia’ obviously trying to keep her calm. When she couldn’t retain her patience after 10 long minutes she finally shouted ‘WAKE UP!’
‘No…hmmm… need to…hmmm…shout Sarah’ Mia said between two yawns. Then she went sleep again.

‘No need to shout? But with your respect my dear Mia, you’re worse than my cousin earl.” Sarah said still trying to keep her calm. She always referred everyone to any member of her weird family which consisted of all sorts of creatures and earl was the laziest of all.

Mia noticed that Sarah was going to explode at any time. As her face was as red as a too-ripened tomato so she gathered her courage and managed to say: ‘It’s okay, I’ll wake up, finally’ Mia said with a small smile trying to make Sarah get in a better mood.
‘Ok, it’s fine then, I’ve called Graham, he’ll be there in two seconds’ she said in a firm tone and that annoyed greatly Mia, she hated those “law and regulation” speech. She would prefer eating Roonuts with ketchup rather than listening to those boring lessons each morning but it was her duty to follow her aunt’s orders and recommendations. She wasn’t only forced to but she also wanted to as she knew that although these speeches, lessons, missions, tasks and limits were boring and annoying, they would certainly help her when she will have to take care of the kingdom of Magic by herself.

***


During the war between the 12 Linevils of the perdition and assembly of light, she helped in increasing the power of the lighters using her own power without the agreement of her aunt as it was too dangerous for her, she was right. As when she transferred most of her power to the lighters and the magic health management, she fell unconscious during 2 weeks. Her power had greatly diminished and it affected her health a lot. It is written in the Universal book of Magic that a royal member of the family can always regain his initial power after a loss or a transfer of power but it took time depending on the amount of power lacking.

Mia’s aunt, the queen Catherine, was disappointed when Mia disobeyed her when she formally disagreed that Mia should not take such risk. She loved Mia more than anyone else and when Mia was nearly dead during 2 weeks she thought she would die of sadness and remorse. She and everyone else in the castle knew how stubborn Mia was, she would sacrify her own life to save the magical community if she could and it would have happened. Fortunately Mia was stronger than she thought and she recovered from her power and life. This was one of the several events which happened because Mia tried to help the wizard community although not one soul knew that the Royal family still existed after a thousand years of secrecy.
***

She was walking in the corridors, wearing a long but medium-sized black dress; her long dark hair flowing through her back and her dark emerald eyes sparkling. Suddenly, she stopped and saw the opening of her destination so she straightened herself and kept a proper posture. Two elves opened the wide door for her and then she walked straight forward in a huge room where a large table was placed at the center with several chairs surrounding it. Four wide windows were at the back of the room hidden with long and thick gold-colored curtains. Most of the walls were covered with numerous portraits of the ancestors of the family. She couldn’t help to look at them each time she entered the meeting hall. She was amazed by their looks, their clothes, and their face. One would feel great respect for them even if one sees them for the first time.

‘Good morning Amelia darling.’ She heard her aunt say. She turned to face her. ‘Good morning dear aunt’ she replied politely with a sigh, and then she went to sit beside her. The elegant queen was reading the Daily comet, as usual. She was astonished by the articles of the not-so-great Jessica Mowron. It was written on the first page in bold letters: “It is not even the first day of school for the young wizards of Rickshire school of Witchcraft and Wizardry that there is already news about some of its mischievous little wizards. Gretchen, a fifteen year old girl reported that a group of a dozen boys of fifth year stole a complete set of Flickout, commonly known as Howay flick, favorite sport of wizards. How can Atheius Grinwold look after those innocent students with such irresponsibility, that’s why that school has to be closed! Teachers without any skill, improper classrooms and damaged brooms! Would you want your child to risk his or her life riding a broken broom unworthy of what you pay for them every year! Follow me and think twice before choosing that school. ” And the rest of the page talked about the Famous and wealthy Reynolds family, as usual.

‘Have you seen what that woman wrote on that school? I am still not used at her bad habit of writing nasty things on innocent people. She’s always changing the meanings of things. I know Atheius since I was attending that school and it is far from what that woman described’ she said, trying to keep herself from apparating to the daily comet’s building and punching Jessica Mowron. ‘Yeah, she can be such a bi…hum. I mean she can be so disrespectful sometimes… ’ Mia said while thinking of what she would have said if she had continued her phrase, she turned to face her aunt, she saw her glaring at her and thought inwardly: Oh shit I’m dead..

Maria Isabella Amelia Rosalinda Montague, how dare you speak like this? Where are your manners young lady? I understand that this woman has an inappropriate way of speaking on people but although that, you must not, in any circumstances, swear in my presence or in any living presence!’

Mia, startled by her sudden outburst, said in a low voice ‘But…okay…I understand. Sorry for nearly swearing.’ ‘You should.’ The queen said, still glaring at her.

‘And before, you return to your room, I have something, very important to tell you.’ She paused, calmed her nerves and Mia nodded for her to continue. ‘Well, as you know, you have been taking private academic lessons with a private tutor since you’re eleven. Now as your fourth year of studying is over, you’ll have to complete that year and so on. But private lessons can’t be given at that level. I talked to your tutors yesterday and they told me that you’ll have to attend a school to complete your education.’ After realizing what her aunt had just said, her jaw fell and she lifted her wide green eyes to meet those of her aunt. ‘A...a...a...a school? A real school? With wizards like me, teachers and...And these kinds of things?’ she managed to tell.

‘Yes, a school’ the queen said simply, surprised by her niece’s amazement. ‘But, is it not forbidden? They should not know that I exist, you always said that I had to be protected to keep the magical kingdom’s power and life or whatever.’ She said a bit too quickly, breathed and said in a quickly raising panic ‘I don’t know if I would be able to adapt, what if they don’t like me? What if I mess it up? What if they discover who I am?! Then I’ll be killed and worst...you’ll be killed too! The Linevils would try to take over the kingdom and destroy the protection by trying to steal our powers! And what if…’-she was cut by her aunt- ‘Slow down dear, hush hush- I know…I know…that’s why you’ll be no longer called Amelia Montague, you’ll now be Amelia Swan. And Rickshire is one of the most protected places in the country, so don’t worry darling. I’ve known Atheius, the headmaster, since childhood and he always keep our secrets, he has to, and he always did.’




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To be frank, this piece has some serious problems. While reading, my internal cliche detector was going haywire. You seemed to just have the standard cliche fantasy world at first, but there were some things that seemed extremely out of place (case in point, ketchup). Then we got to "Rickshire school of Witchcraft and Wizardry". It's okay if you want to have a magical school, J.K. Rowling by no means invented them, just don't name it one word away from Hogwarts.

A light breeze was flying from the window to her face; at that nice feeling she smiled unconsciously dreaming about the new life which was waiting for her.

Opening lines are meant to hook the reader, not confuse them. I had to read this several times before I understood what it meant. Personally, I would delete it, because your second line, with a few modifications, would be a stellar opener.

It was nearly eight, ten seconds to go, nine seconds, eight seconds….eight o’clock!


This is a good opener. It conveys excitement and mystery. What's going to happen at eight o'clock? Why is the narrator so eagerly counting down, the way kids do on the last day of school?

If you broke up the different parts into their own sentences like so, it would be even better:
It was nearly eight. Ten seconds to go. Nine seconds. Eight. Eight o'clock.

I changed the exclamation point at the end to a period, since in general, exclamation points should only be used for dialogue.

Unfortunately, it all goes downhill from there. There are many grammatical errors, but according to your profile, English is not your first language, so that's okay. We'll focus more on the substance of the story.

Plotwise, it seems interesting. You've got a girl with mysterious powers afraid of what might happen to her if she strays from the castle. Nice to see a princess who isn't demanding to wear trousers and go adventuring 24/7.

One thing you should do is describe the setting a bit more. In the first paragraph, you describe the sight of the garden as being "wonderful". But how so? Is it a light and pretty flower garden, one with trees and shrubs to look like a forest, on with columns, statues, and ivy, or something else entirely? You lavish so much attention on Mia's bed, but I'm more interesting in the garden. Don't spend too much time describing things that aren't important to the plot, but do paint a picture of what the "stage" of the story looks like.

-Merlin34
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Hello anaellelabonne! I'm aspiringyoungwriter and I'll be your reader today! While I really liked where the story was going, I have a feeling that there's plenty of mischief ahead ;-), I did notice a few things.

At the entrance was standing a short, quite fat, little woman with wide blue eyes with both hands placed at her hips.

At this part I just want to know why "quite" is there. It's not really needed.

which was belonging to the Royal Family: The Montagues.

How about "Which belonged to the Royal Family.
PS: Capitalizing it makes it seem very important. Nice job there.

Some seconds later she realized that she had to wake up a lazy young lady.

What about "that she had yet to wake up a lazy young lady"?

The one to whom she was talking had her right arm and left leg out of a dark pink-coloured four poster bed which full of several-shaped pillows and the thick white bedcovers half covering her body.

This sentence was a little awkward because of the length of the descriptions, and what if you say "which was full of" etc etc...

obviously trying to keep her calm.

When you include the word "her" there it makes it sound like you're talking about the princess. If you were then the sentence is fine. If not, well you know what to do.

you’re worse than my cousin earl
.”

"earl" should be "Earl". Unless you're talking about a real earl. Like, as in dukes and barons and stuff.

‘It’s okay, I’ll wake up, finally’

You don't need the word "finally" there.

she hated those “law and regulation” speech.

"Speech" should be "speeches".

kingdom of Magic by herself
.

Maybe you should capitalize "kingdom" like you did before.

12 Linevils of the perdition and assembly of light

What is that? And should it be capitalized?

she fell unconscious during 2 weeks

People don't "fall" unconscious they become unconscious, or something like that... And when you're writing numbers like that, don't use the actual number symbol thing. Write it out.

she would sacrify

I think it supposed to be "sacrifice".

Fortunately Mia was stronger than she thought and she recovered from her power and life.

She recovered from power and light? So she died?

This was one of the several events which happened because Mia tried to help the wizard community although not one soul knew that the Royal family still existed after a thousand years of secrecy.

So people don't know she's a princess? Or do they? Who runs the Kingdom?

She was walking in the corridors, wearing a long but medium-sized black dress; her long dark hair flowing through her back and her dark emerald eyes sparkling

After long put in a comma, and I don't think through is the right word to use there unless she's got a giant, gaping hole in her back. How about you use "down"?

‘Good morning Amelia darling.’ She heard her aunt say. She turned to face her. ‘Good morning dear aunt’

This can be separated into two separate sentences. Start a new one after "She heard her aunt say."
And after both of them say "morning" you could put in a comma. I think... That's what I'd do anyway.

Daily comet

If it's a title you should capitalize "comet" too.

“It is not even the first day of school for the young wizards of Rickshire school of Witchcraft and Wizardry that there is already news about some of its mischievous little wizards. Gretchen, a fifteen year old girl reported that a group of a dozen boys of fifth year stole a complete set of Flickout, commonly known as Howay flick, favorite sport of wizards. How can Atheius Grinwold look after those innocent students with such irresponsibility, that’s why that school has to be closed! Teachers without any skill, improper classrooms and damaged brooms! Would you want your child to risk his or her life riding a broken broom unworthy of what you pay for them every year! Follow me and think twice before choosing that school. ”

Wow! She can read all that from a distance! If she can, I think this should be divided into two paragraphs or something to make it smaller and less intimidating to the reader(AKA: me)

‘Yeah, she can be such a bi…hum. I mean she can be so disrespectful sometimes… ’

After "bi" put a dash instead of "..." because that makes it seem like she cut off abruptly which fits the scene. I love how she nonchalantly tries to cover up her faux pas!

she turned to face her aunt, she saw her glaring at her and thought inwardly

instead of the "she" right after the comma put "and saw her aunt.

‘You should.’ The queen said, still glaring at her.

This should be the start of a new line. Try putting "be" after should.

‘And before, you return to your room

No need for the comma there.

Well, as you know, you have been taking private academic lessons with a private tutor since you’re eleven.

Instead of "since you're eleven" try "since you were eleven.

Sorry I'm so picky today, but I just wanted to be helpful. A lot of my reviews are just "You did a good job! Keep writing!" I wanted to try being more... precise. You've got a good story going here, and when you post more of it be sure to PM me! Oh, and before I forget, you should use quotation marks instead of apostrophes. It would make it easier to read, and it's the proper way to write a story.

Good luck and keep writing!
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




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Okay, this was the first time I got the quote, bold, and italics to work so I'm sorry it got a little messed up. I tried to fix it but couldn't. So bear with me as I learn...
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster



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