I love you

She is beautiful.
Her pale green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.
Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.
Her milky skin, softer than velvet.
Her delicate heart shaped face, sprinkled with freckles.
Her pale pink lips curved up into a smiled.
Her name, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Olivia.
I could go on saying her name forever.
Olivia.
The way she worried about me.
The way she ditched her friends and boyfriend just to speak to me.
The way she cried in my arms when he dumped her.
The way she lead on my body, her arms around my neck.
The way her sweet breath fanned over my face.
The way she raked her fingers through my black hair.
The way my heart thumped when she fell asleep on me.
The way her chest rose and fell at every breath.
The way she smiled at me when she woke up.
The way she rubbed her thumb on my cheek.
The way she told me the three words I had always wanted to hear.
I love you.
The way she said my name.
Rainer.
The way she kissed me, sending jolts through my entire body.
The way she held my hand, her slim fingers wrapping around my calloused ones.
The way she looked straight into my blue eyes.
The way she smiled when I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
The way she wrapped her arms around my torso.
The way I stuttered when I said
I love you
The way she dragged my blanket over us.
The way she used my chest as a pillow.
The way I circled her waist with my strong arms.
The way we just dreamed in each others arms.
The way I woke up to see the girl of my dreams still in her uniform and her hair coming our of it's plait.
To me, she was everything.
She was my other half.
She was my soul mate.
She loved me.
I loved her.
That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in eachother.
Forever.

That was so ... emotional. What was probably suppose to be.
I like the second part more, when she finally loves him. It's really the hart of the story (looks like a poem to me).
Great work describing her from the eyes of the character as a goddess.
Still I didn't like her name. It's old-fashioned but that doesn't matter.
Keep up the good work.

This piece has so much passion, but also so much more potential. I liked it, don't get me wrong, but here are a few tips.

1) You start with the same word over and over and over and over. It can be really great, or can make the reader bored. In your story it did both. It made it sound poetic, but also monotonous.
2) You can describe the characters a little more.

This I think would help.

~Ktg

Personally, I thought this had a certain charm to it. I like the fact that you see it progress, and yes it is poetic, but some great stories how a poetic feel to them. I feel maybe between your decribtions of how the character feels for the girl you could fill it with a narative, thus making it into more of a story then a poetic declaration of love.


All this said. I like it

I thought it was really, really sweet. I agree that the beginning several lines with the same word over and over made it a) kind of monotonous and b) more like a poem than a short story, but I still thought it was rather adorable.

Hello there!

I like this. It's very emotional, and nice, though it's almost more of a free-style poem. The only thing that bothers me is how repetitive it is with the 'The way, The way' and so on. It just gets a little annoying, in my opinion. But for the most part I really like this piece, very nice.

Lovely work.

~Heather

Oh.My.Gosh. That was amazing. That was beautiful. It was so emotional. I loved it. You made a few grammar mistakes but the whole..........everything else made up for it. You have great potential. It works in the context you put it in but it probably would work even better as a romantic poem. If you do decide to fix the grammer problems and the category, don't change a detail about it. Keep up the good work.

-BrooklynWriter

Her light green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.

Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.

While this is a very emotional piece, these two lines tripped me up. You use light to describe two things. It makes me stumble over it as I read it. Try using a different word other than light.

(: I really enjoyed reading this. It had lots of emotion and love in it. I thought the repeated words worked well and add a poetic style to the story. It reminds of me of those stories where the girl is with the big time jock who cheats on her and she ends up loving her best guy friend. Anyhoo, I will say that it went really quick from her boyfriend breaking up with her to her being with Rainer. To me there could be a smoother transition. But that could just be me.

Keep up the good work

It a was pleasure reading this(:

I really liked reading this, but it seemed more like poetry to me. In order for a story to be a story it must have some dialog. I think you should consider changing this into the poetry section. As for a review, I really loved this, but as said above the repition really needs work. I think that you should get rid of some of it so that when you use it the effect will be more powerful. Other than that this was very nice.

ilovemyboys wrote:She was beautiful. it should be is (if the MC still finds her beautiful)
Her light green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.
Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.
Her milky skin, softer than velvet.
Her delicate heart shaped face, sprinkled with freckles.
Her pale pink lips curved up into a smiled.
Her name, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Olivia.
I could go on saying her name forever. (It may be a cliche to others, but it's sounds cool to me.)
Olivia.
The way she worried about me.
The way she ditched her friends and boyfriend just to speak to me.
The way she cried in my arms when he dumped her.
The way she lead leaned on my body, her arms around my neck.
The way her sweet breath fanned over my face.
The way she raked her fingers through my black hair.
The way my heart thumped when she fell asleep on me.
The way her chest rose and fell at every breath.
The way she smiled at me when she woke up.
The way she rubbed her thumb on my cheek.
The way she told me the three words I had always wanted to hear.
I love you. i like this part XD
The way she said my name.
Rainer.
The way she kissed me, sending jolts through my entire body.
The way she held my hand, her slim fingers wrapping around my calloused ones.
The way she looked straight into my blue eyes.
The way she smiled when I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
The way she wrapped her arms around my torso.
The way I stuttered when I said
I love you
The way she dragged my blanket over us.
The way she used my chest as a pillow.
The way I circled her waist with my strong arms.
The way we just dreamed in each others arms.
The way I woke up to see the girl of my dreams still in her uniform and her hair coming our of it's its plait.
To me, she was everything.
She was my other half.
She was my soul mate.
She loved me.
I loved her.
That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in eachother.
Forever.

You started the phrases with the same words, and it could be a little boring to the readers.
But aside from that, I like it!
More of poetry, though. =]

Keep writing!!!!!

-KAT <3

This was a very emotional peace and I enjoyed it a lot thank you for sharing!

Wow, you're only 12?
I liked this.
You're good at writing.. or.. typing whichever works(:
Keep on the good work.

Oh wow, the emotions in this story were mind-boggling. You took the reader through many differnet levels of emotions. Your story decribed the feelings that most people wish to feel on a dayily basis. I'm sorry for the spelling errors. Your illustrations were amazing. I felt like I was there and or watching a movie. Your way of describing things is amazing. Though more background details would be nice. I felt somewhat lost. Over all your story was breathtaking!! I commend you on an amazing story!! Great Job!

I like this a lot. It's so passionate. Also, very pretty. I hope you write more!

ilovemyboys wrote:That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in each other.

Just forgot a space here.
Well that's all from me.
~Ladypurple.