Golden Boy

#FF0000 ">This is a sequel to one of my other posts, The Last Hunt. It's not finished, but anyway...

Golden Boy

In the darkest, most obscured part of the busy night club Kammal sat, watching his target. It was just a boy – he hadn’t even reached manhood yet. He was chatting up some girl, completely oblivious about what was going to happen to him. In his boredom, Kammal rolled himself a joint, keeping his eyes on the young lad. Even from across the extensive room, with the loud music playing and people chatting, Kammal could hear every word the boy said.

“Can I buy you a drink, or would you prefer the money?” The kid spoke the amateur line like a pro, and the blonde chick giggled.

Kammal produced a metallic purple lighter from the pocket of his jeans, lit the joint and took a long drag.

“A drink sounds great.”
The bar tender automatically started pouring a drink. So the kid came here regularly to pick up chicks.

Kammal realized that the chick must’ve found the kid attractive, and hey, who wouldn’t? He was almost six foot tall with impressively well-toned pecs under his tight black t-shirt. His skin was exactly the same shade as Kammal’s; they were both descendants of Native Americans. They could’ve even looked related if it weren’t for the fact that Kammal’s nose had been broken six too many times whereas the kids facial features were perfect. The kid clearly had white blood relatives because he had brown hair with a hint of red and his nose was not so broad and flat, his eyes not so almond shaped.

“The name’s Daine.” Daine – if that was his real name – smiled charmingly.
“I’m Jess.” The chick twirled a strand of her flowing blonde hair between her fingers then took a sip of the drink the barman had set in front of her. She seemed to like it.
“Jess, short for Jessica?”
“Yeah.”

Dark, swirling smoke poured out of Kammal’s nose as he exhaled and an unbeatable calm spread through him. A waitress shot him a glance as she collected the empty glasses from a nearby booth but was too timid to confront the heavily-built man.

“Jess,” Daine said very seriously, making the importance of each word weigh a ton. “Did you know your name is Hebrew and means God sees?”
“Wow,” Jess said, genuinely surprised. “No, I didn’t know that.”
Daine grinned, eliminating all trace of seriousness. “And for once in my life I’m not talking out my ass.”
Jess covered her mouth to giggle and Daine’s smile grew.
“Are you board?”
What a stupid question, Kammal thought. People don’t laugh when they’re bored.
“No,” Jess was just as perplexed as Kammal. “Why?”
“’Cos I wanna nail you.”
Again, she giggled. “You’re one of those guys, aren’t you?”
“What guys?” Daine sat a little straighter, paying more attention to what Jess was saying.
“You know, the golden boy in high school, played on the school football team, dated all the cheerleaders, got other people to do all your homework assignments... I bet you had everything you wanted.”
“Well, yeah,” the kid admitted. “I had everything apart from a girl like you, so how ‘bout it?”
Jess giggled, nudging him playfully. “Buy me another drink and we’ll see.”
Daine pretended to be hurt. “I’m not that ugly, am I?”
“No, but a real gentleman would buy me the most expensive drink available.”
She was testing him. He was about to pass with flying colours. Daine kept his eyes on Jess as he spoke to the bar tender, his permanent grin unwavering. “Give my good friend here the most expensive drink you’ve got.”

The bar tender was surprised by the request but served him it anyway and Daine gave him the shocking amount of money that was asked for. Jess, quite stunned that this stranger had spent so much on her, downed the drink in one go.

“I heard sex is a killer,” the kid grinned. “Wanna die happy?”
“You bet.”

They stood to leave, so did Kammal. He slipped on his leather jacket and grabbed his motorbike helmet, dropping a fifty on the table to cover the drink he hadn’t touched plus a generous tip. He knew he hadn’t been a hospitable customer.

Weaving through the crowd, he followed them at a careful distance. Not them. Just him. The boy, the one who didn’t know what was in stall for him. Kammal grimaced at the thought of what might happen to the girl in the process. Oh well, one more victim to add to the long list. No, Kammal thought. I can’t let that happen, not again. He could warn them, but they wouldn’t believe him, not a chance in hell.

The crowd surged around him, full of people dancing and people standing in clumps, talking and drinking and laughing and not worrying about the kid like they should and not knowing a thing about the stuff Kammal deals with and just having a great time. A great time... it echoed around Kammal’s mind without meaning. When did he last have a great time? Could great time’s even exist for him?

“Kammal Bradie, you son of a bitch!” called a heavy Texan accent over the music of the club. A rotund, red-faced man wearing a drunken grin was pushing through the crowd towards him, but Kammal didn’t have time to stop for a chat. He slipped out the door, onto the rain-washed streets. He looked left, right. No sign of the kid. Shit.

The egotistical roar of a motorbike echoed down the street and to the left a bike spun around the corner and whizzed right past Kammal, the driver wearing familiar leather pants and the passenger’s long blonde hair streaming out from underneath her hot pink helmet. The man with the female passenger disappeared around another corner. Not the man - the kid.

Kammal bolted to his convertible, flinging himself over the door into the cramped space that was the driver’s seat. Why did I buy this piece of crap? Sure, it looked pretty damn sweet when he was zigzagging through the city traffic, hood down, music up, but it was so impractical for his line of work.

Before he had time to shove the keys in the ignition, two pairs of hands grabbed him from behind and the door grazed along his back as they dragged him out of his car. “What the fu-” wham. A fist connected with his face. Wham. In his guts. Wham. In his balls. Ouch.

One eye squeezed shut from the blow, Kammal made out the blurry outline of three or more men standing around him while he lay groaning on the damp tarmac. Why does this always happen to me? He thought through the pain. The biggest man grabbed him and threw him onto the hood of his own friggen convertible, pinning him there.

Now that they’d lost the element of surprise Kammal stood a better chance. He brought his knee up sharply, catching the guy in the crotch. The other men didn’t like that. Not at all. They flung him back to the ground and pummelled him some more.

“What do ya want?” Kammal groaned when they were done.
“Carlos wants his money, Kammal. He wants it real bad. Did you think if ya just laid low for a few years he’d forget?”
“’Course not,” Kammal spat a tooth onto the road. “Carlos never forgets.”
“Damn straight he doesn’t. Now where’s the money?”
“I’ll get it to ya, I swear. Just lemme go.”
“Ha! Do you think I’ma idiot? You’re not getting away this time.”

The guy Kammal vaguely remembered as Ricco – cousin/nephew/close friend of Carlos – slammed his heel onto Kammal’s face, smashing his nose. IT’S ALWAYS THE FRIGGEN NOSE! A red haze edged at Kammal’s vision but he kept his cool just enough to stay human. He’d had plenty time to practice that over the last three years.

Kammal pressed his hands palms down on the cold ground either side of him and lifted his body slightly off the ground so he could swiftly spin his leg around to trip Ricco and any of his cronies that were in a meter radius. Ricco and another guy were on the ground but uninjured, they were getting to their feet while two more advanced.

Kammal leapt to his feet. He didn’t have time for this. That kid was about to change any second now and Kammal had to be there.

Hey Jackle! I'm here to review.

First off, this is really interesting. I didn't read your other, apparently related post, but by itself this is great anyways.

Mistakes underlined, #FF0000 ">my comments in red

In the darkest, most obscured part of the busy night club Kammal sat, watching his target. It was just a boy #FF0000 "> I don't like the "it" here. It just doesn't work when describing people. Use "he" instead. – he hadn’t even reached manhood yet.#FF0000 ">And then right here, since you would need to replace that "it" with a "he," you should take away this one and rephrase the sentence. Maybe like this: He was just a boy--probably hadn't even hit manhood yet. In his boredom, Kammal rolled himself a joint, keeping his eyes on the young lad.#FF0000 ">Rolled himself a joint? In a public space? Why would he risk doing something like that? Even from across the extensive room, with the loud music playing and people chatting, Kammal could hear every word the boy said.#FF0000 ">That's not really possible. It might be convenient for this particular scene but I'd rather you be realistic than convenient. Night clubs are LOUD. Extremely so.

“A drink sounds great.”
The bar tender automatically started pouring a drink.#FF0000 ">You need a little more detail here. Prior to this happening, you need to explain that the bartender is either close by or blatantly eavesdropping. In other words, make sure we, as readers, can see in our heads what you are imagining.

Kammal realized that the chick must’ve found the kid attractive,#FF0000 ">I know you needed a way to describe Daine, but this isn't the way to do it. You have to realize that Kammal would have known that long ago, not two seconds after he buys the girl a drink. He was almost six foot tall with impressively well-toned pecs under his tight black t-shirt.#FF0000 ">I don't know about you, but someone who's six feet tall and has pecs has definitely reached the beginning of manhood. Kammal may be wise/old enough to see him as being very young, but he needs to acknowledge that fact. Also, "Six foot tall" sounds better as "six feet tall." They could’ve even looked related if it weren’t for the fact that Kammal’s nose had been broken six too many times whereas the kids#FF0000 ">Just need an apostrophe here.

“Jess, short for Jessica?”

EEW! That's my sister's name. Dx

A waitress shot him a glance as she collected the empty glasses from a nearby booth but was too timid to confront the heavily-built man.

This is a great line.

“Did you know your name is Hebrew and means God sees?”#FF0000 ">I'm pretty sure that that isn't true. "Jessica" is a literary name, and thus has no real meaning. The name it's derived from, "Jesse," means "wealth," or "gift."

The egotistical roar of a motorbike echoed down the street...

This is so true. I love it.

Before he had time to shove the keys in the ignition, two pairs of hands grabbed him from behind and the door grazed along his back as they dragged him out of his car. “What the fu-” wham. A fist connected with his face. Wham. In his guts. Wham. In his balls. Ouch.

One eye squeezed shut from the blow, Kammal made out the blurry outline of three or more men standing around him while he lay groaning on the damp tarmac. Why does this always happen to me? He thought through the pain. The biggest man grabbed him and threw him onto the hood of his own friggen convertible, pinning him there.

I think you need to put a little more into this part. Think about it: This would HURT. Bad. I don't know if Kammal is supposed to be particularly resistant to pain, but you need to describe what he's feeling more either way. I think you should make him just as easily hurt as the next guy, but let him hide it more skillfully.

“Carlos wants his money, Kammal. He wants it real bad. Did you think if ya just laid low for a few years he’d forget?”#FF0000 ">This is such an overused idea. I couldn't begin to name all of the places this idea has been used. Change it to something else.

Kammal leapt to his feet. He didn’t have time for this. That kid was about to change any second now and Kammal had to be there.#FF0000 ">I don't know what this means, but it sounds interesting.

Overall, I like this. If you fixed these things, I'm sure I'd love it.

-Knightley

‘Ello there Jackle! Mr. Knightly did a wonderful job reviewing you I see but there are a few things I want to mention too if that’s all right with you.

Opening Line

In the darkest, most obscured part of the busy night club Kammal sat, watching his target.

Okay, this is the opening line, and even if this has a part that comes before it, the way you’ve started it off makes it seem a bit like it should be able to stand independently of the other.
That means that the opening sentence needs to have the strength to lead this as an independent piece.

But this opening sentence is very long, at least in the realm of opening lines. In most cases – though not all – a short opening sentence will do the most work. You have a lot of adjectives, and I think that’s what makes this seem very long. Something like: Kammal sat in the back of the night club, watching his target.
The adjectives can be slipped in gradually the way describing a character can be added bit by bit.

“’Cos I wanna nail you.”

‘Cos….you have the right idea here when you used the apostrophe in front of “cos” but you’re actually using a shortened form of “because” so you should write it ‘cause. But it’s a definite positive that you used the apostrophe. People never seem to remember it.

They stood to leave, so did Kammal.

This is more of an idea of how something would sound when it’s read, but by adding ‘when’ to the front of the sentence, you add the aspect of sentence variation to your story.

who didn’t know what was in stall for him

Stall? Do you mean ‘store.’

full of people dancing and people standing in clumps

You use people twice within a very short span. You really don’t even need the second one. Repetition is something I struggle with a lot and I know I’m not the only one on the site with this problem.

The crowd surged around him, full of people dancing and people standing in clumps, talking and drinking and laughing and not worrying about the kid like they should and not knowing a thing about the stuff Kammal deals with and just having a great time.

Also, this is a very long sentence. And it’s just like what I said up at the top of this. Shorter sentences have a stronger impact than long sentence. Also, long sentences can confuse readers and possibly cause them to lose interest.

That kid was about to change any second now and Kammal had to be there.

I actually wanted to say that I love this ending. It leaves the readers asking for more, yet it doesn’t reveal exactly why it is that Kammal needs to get there. That means that the reader will want to read on.


OVERALL

Okay, this is a really cool idea. You have a character with a goal (which is usually more than I can say for myself) and you have just enough mystery going on to keep us hanging on.

The only thing that you really need to be careful of is with dialogue. Dialogue can be really tricky. Often times, it will sound very forced and unnatural and I think that’s what your problem is here. It takes some time to find a happy balance between sounding realistic but not sounding too realistic (by too realistic, I mean the way most of us speak, which is usually extremely improper.)

But still worth the read for sure!

~lilymoore