The Prevailing Darkness

The Prevailing Darkness

Preface

Black... so black... Stale air is trapped in my lungs, I refuse to release it. One sound and They’ll find me. One sound and I’m dead. My disadvantage isn’t fair. They can see with perfect clarity through the darkness that swathes me. I can not. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not bloody fair! What did I do to deserve this fate? I hope Vivi, Raven, Jess and Shayne will make it out of this maze of shadows alive.

Not only can’t I see Them, but They move with such stealth I won’t even have sound to warn me of Their approach. I can’t even fight back. My eyes well up with unwanted tears and now I have to breathe. I just have to. I let the air out as gradually as I can, then take a slow, hushed breath in. Out. In. The darkness is pressing in on me, crushing my chest. Out. In. Out. I’m still alive, but They’ll find me soon enough.

In. Out. In. Another breath joins my own. The air tickling my neck petrifies me. I squeeze my eyes tight shut and brace for the pain. I wonder what it’ll feel like when I die. Is it just like going under for an operation?

“Alexis?” the voice is so quiet but it’s Shayne’s. I stifle my sigh of relief. I realize the breath on my neck is warm and moist – not a vampire’s. Spinning around on the balls of my feet without standing from my crouch, I reach for Shayne in the darkness. My fingers brush against his soft hair and he grabs my hand.

We hold each other in the darkness and wait for death.

“The others, where are they?” Shayne whispers.
It takes me a while to respond. “You mean... you don’t know?”
“No,” he squeaks, panic rising in his voice.
“Shit,” I mutter, tempted to get out my mobile and text them. We should be dead by now, They should’ve found us. What if They all went after Vivi, Raven and Jess? “Shit,” I say again as Shayne’s hand squeezes tighter on my forearm, the same thoughts buzzing around his small mind. “Screw this.” Taking out my phone, I scramble to my feet. I press a random button so the screen lights up.

The corridor stretches on forever into the darkness, the damp wallpaper peeling away from the walls like skin. By the glow of my phone I can make out a door a few meters ahead.

“Shayne, breathe,” I order him; he’s starting to hyperventilate.
He nods, sucking in slow, deep breaths. His face is so gaunt, his blonde hair so darkened with dirt, it makes me wonder what I look like. “Did you hear that?” Shayne squeals, springing to his feet.
“Ssh,” I press a finger to my lips to emphasize my point. Then I hear it.

Slow, purposeful footsteps, echoing down the corridor. Whistling joins the footsteps, the type of cowboy music you’d hear right before a show-down in a western movie. Shayne cowers behind me as I adopt a fighting stance, hands balling into fists. The footsteps are getting closer. Someone steps out of the shadows just as my phone goes black. I scramble to press a button to make it light up again but the other person beats me in flicking a lighter on.

The flame hovers two meters in front of me, the silhouette of a man barely visible behind it. But it’s not a man. It’s a monster with a man’s face. Bringing the flame closer to that face, the black-eyed monster smiles, just to flash his pointed, venom-coated teeth. Warning sirens go off in my brain, my instincts are screaming at me to run however my legs have turned to blocks of concrete.

This is it. This is the end.

I won’t go down without a fight.

"Defiant to the end, we hear the call
To carry on, we'll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And though your broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on.
On and on we carry through the fears
Oh oh oh!”

Welcome to the Black Parade, My Chemical Romance

I want more haha if you don't post more I will surely be disappointed because this isn't enough to sustain my interest. I'm not going to point out your typos for you because I think you should do that on your own- and because it's not that long to proof read. Pm me when you post more, good job

I like this, its interesting. I think you could do without some of the repetitiveness and choppiness. Some of it adds to the setting, but you've got a bit much. Try changing some of the words around and adding a few more here and there so that it flows a bit better. I can't wait to see more!

This is good, so far. I enjoyed it. It's the right length for a prologue, not too short but not too long. Just a few things though to nitpick and comment on I'm interested in reading what happens next, and who the other characters are!!

jackle wrote:

Not only couldn’t I see Them, but They move with such stealth I won’t even have sound to warn me of Their approach.

This sounds very muddled. I wouldn't start it like so, but more like Not only couldn't I see them, but They move with such stealth that I wouldn't even have a sound to warn me of Their approach.

Another breathe joins my own.

'Breathe' should be 'breath.'

I realize the breath on my neck is warm and moist – not a vampires.

You've used the plural for vampire here instead of ownership. The vampire 'owns' his breath, so you need a comma here. But I wouldn't hang a sentence with a comma. Try wording it a bit differently as well.
I realize the breath on my neck is warm and moist, not a vampire's - and they don't even breathe

We hold each other in the darkness and wait for death.

“Sanel, breathe,” I order him ‘cos he’s started hyperventilating.

'Because he's started to hyperventilate' works better in the context of how you want to use it.

“Ssh,” I press a finger to my lips to emphasize my point. Then I heard it.

You've jumped from present to past text here, which doesn't fit. Use 'hear' instead of 'heard'.