Without You In My Life

3 posts
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MissGamer8
Gender Female
Points 1557
Reviews 13
Sun May 30, 2010 1:26 am
MissGamer8 says... · Sun May 30, 2010 1:26 am
These are the first lyrics I've ever wrote. I wrote it right after a guy regretted me in 8th grade.

Without You In My Life
by: MissGamer8

It was late last night
I wouldn't want to miss it for nothing
But you weren't there
I was left in the darkness
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing how to feel

(Chorus)
You left me standing there
With my future in your eyes
You left me behind
When everything felt so right
Now what should I do?
What should I do without you in my life?

My heart aches for you
So don't think I forgot you
I don't know why I still
keeping thinking about you
Maybe it's because__

(Chorus)
You left me standing there
With my future in your eyes
You left me behind
When everything felt so right
Now what should I do?
What should I do without you in my life?

Maybe I should let you go
Flying free from my heart
Not saying goodbye but
Leaving a mark on my heart
You left me,

(Chorus)
You left me standing there
With my future in your eyes
You left me behind
When everything felt so right
Now what should I do?
What should I do without you in my life?

I'm leaving you
Just like how you left me
I'm going to leave you in the dark
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing how to feel
Because____

(Chorus)
You left me standing there
With my future in your eyes
You left me behind
When everything felt so right
Now what should I do?
What should I do without you in my life?

(Chorus)
You left me standing there
With my future in your eyes
You left me behind
When everything felt so right
Now what should I do?
What should I do without you in my life?
Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, Ill shine for you
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ultraviolet
Gender Female
Points 1193
Reviews 262
Sun May 30, 2010 2:37 am
ultraviolet says... · Sun May 30, 2010 2:37 am
This was good! I don't know much about writing songs, but I could totally hear it in my mind. Not just the words, but someone singing it. I even heard a bridge. Amazing. :)

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
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User avatar
Kale
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:44 pm
Kale says... · Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:44 pm
I wouldn't want to miss it for nothing

You've got a double negative here, so it basically means that you'd gladly miss whatever it is. If that was your intention, fine, but if not, you need to fix this.

This song struck me as very repetitious, but not in a bad way. It got a touch too repetitive near the end, but I think, if you were to space things out a little, maybe add a bridge in there or make the verses a little longer, you'll be fine.

Speaking of the verses, their length struck me as a bit inconsistent. The first one is six lines long, but the others are five, and the lengths of the individual lines changes throughout the entire song. This isn't that big a deal in this song as it still flows despite the inconsistencies, but having and maintaining a consistent pattern to the verses is something you should keep in mind for the future since it will help to maintain a solid flow.

Overall, you seem to have a talent for lyrics writing. Although this was a bit repetitive, it wasn't annoyingly so, and this flowed quite well. I liked how you mentioned what the singer was planning to do in revenge; it's an aspect of this subject that isn't explored as often.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
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