Dearest Haven

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Dearest Haven,
What more can I say to you, with this my dieing breath? You brought meaning to a hopeless soul. You saved my life from a prison of endless self pity and gave me a second chance.
I love you dearest Haven, more then words could speak. When I first met you, that night of hollows eve, you looked amazing. Grace in every step, almost more then I could bear. First words meant nothing. You were in my arms in a short hour, wrapped in warm embrace. Party goers paid us no mind. Their drunken haze blocked it all. But alcohol couldn’t blind I. our love was as clear as the sky on this night.
Months passed slowly and classes grew longer as though they opposed our freedom. Your beauty grew each day and I didn’t hesitate to tell you so. Your cheeks would flush and the twinkle in your hazel eyes shone. Our hands would find each other and we would escape school together, fugitives. Together, Bonnie and Clyde.
Time went on and summer drew near. Long hot days alone, just you and I. Quiet nights spent in an empty house. Absent parents only make things so much easier. Coiled on the couch we were, our minds rolled off the clock. A fatal mistake, the door slam waking us in alarm. Your dad screamed. As did you Dearest Haven. I left as told, unsure of what to do. I drove until sunrise then called. You claimed to be fine, and said no one would keep us apart. Even if only for a day.
We drove along the coast and found a good spot to chill by the water. You puzzled me Dearest Haven. A hoodie to the beach on a warm June day? The heat became to much, and you pulled off the hoodie, exposing arms blue with bruises. I cried for you Dearest Haven, I should have stayed. Anger rushed within me as I walked to my car. He hurt you Dearest Haven, and I wouldn’t stand for it. I argued with him as you got your things. Only a month till your 18th birthday, my mom would let you stat with us. I hit him Dearest Haven, he’d went to far.
You stayed with me, and even closer we became. I found out a lot about you that I didn’t know. School returned, it’s halls seemingly a tint of gray. Your smile dimmed Dearest Haven, the twinkle in your eyes lacking in luster. A week went on before I dared to ask. The answer shocked me, but filled me with joy. We knew what we would do but still, we talked our options through. School wouldn’t be a problem since nine months from that night in September, would fall at the end of school.
People stared, and whispered, but it didn’t bother us. Your mom didn’t approve our choice, and mine was on the fence. The dissection was final.
Christmas came and your present was obvious. You came down the stairs that morning, looking beautiful as always. I didn’t hesitate. One knee to the ground the question hung in the air. You said yes Dearest Haven and said,
“I hope our daughter find a guy as wonderful as you.” We would wed in the summer.
Her name would be Alisa, we decided. A beautiful name for a girl who was destined to be flawless if she was half as wonderful as her mother. May came and again school was done, this time for good. I got the call in the middle of the night. I rushed to the hospital. They said things weren’t going right, “complications” they tried to comfort. I lost you Dearest Haven, and our baby girl too.
I can’t live without you my love. With every word I wrote brought me closer to you. I’ll be there soon my darling. Meet me at the gates of wherever our souls my rest. Forever and eternally with you my Dearest Haven.




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Okay. One aspect of this submission I would change would be the word "dieing" to "dying".

You saved my life from a prison of endless self pity and gave me a second chance


I really liked the use of prison as a metaphor, very good usage. Overall I liked the passion this piece just screams at the reader. There is a lot of emotion pouring out from your words including themes of love, loss, and hope. Good job overall, and despite the lack of roadmap for the reader, I really cannout fault the passionate writing, save for the above remark.

Best Regards,
-Elitehusky




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I was totally going to point out what EliteHusky said. Oh well.

So, yeah, I agree with him about the emotion flowing out of this. I love it! I also like the way it reads almost like poetry. Your writing seems very mature.

Here are a few places where I felt the flow could've been improved:

I love you dearest Haven, more then words could speak. When I first met you, that night of hollows eve, you looked amazing. Grace in every step, almost more then I could bear. First words meant nothing. You were in my arms in a short hour, wrapped in warm embrace. Party goers paid us no mind. Their drunken haze blocked it all. But alcohol couldn’t blind I. our love was as clear as the sky on this night.


You said "dearest" already. "Amazing" could be replaced by a better description. The drunken party thing doesn't seem to mesh well with the almost Shakespearean theme of the rest of it.

By the way, isn't this supposed to be romantic fiction? It's up to you, but I'd get a mod to move it.

A fatal mistake, the door slam waking us in alarm. Your dad screamed. As did you Dearest Haven. I left as told, unsure of what to do. I drove until sunrise then called. You claimed to be fine, and said no one would keep us apart. Even if only for a day.

Hah, her dad sounds... interesting. But what I really wanting to say was that you're missing a few punctuation marks. The first sentence is a run-on. So is the fifth. Also, being told to leave doesn't sound like a very extreme reaction. I'd've liked it if you wrote out that actual scene.

We drove along the coast and found a good spot to chill by the water. You puzzled me Dearest Haven. A hoodie to the beach on a warm June day? The heat became to much, and you pulled off the hoodie, exposing arms blue with bruises. I cried for you Dearest Haven, I should have stayed. Anger rushed within me as I walked to my car. He hurt you Dearest Haven, and I wouldn’t stand for it. I argued with him as you got your things. Only a month till your 18th birthday, my mom would let you stat with us. I hit him Dearest Haven, he’d went to far.


Again, "chill" doesn't fit the poetic vibe of the rest of this piece. There should be a comma after "you puzzled me" and "I cried for you Dearest Haven, I should have stayed" is a run-on sentence. Watch out for these-this is at least the third one I've seen. If you need help with these, PM me.

Also, "18th" should be written out. "Stat" should be "stay" I think.

it’s halls seemingly a tint of gray. Your smile dimmed Dearest Haven, the twinkle in your eyes lacking in luster. A week went on before I dared to ask.

No apostrophe.

Your mom didn’t approve our choice, and mine was on the fence. The dissection was final.


What? Should be (I think) "Your mom didn't approve OF our choice" and what are you saying "on the fence?" And "dissection" means to cut something dead apart. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant.

“I hope our daughter find a guy as wonderful as you.” We would wed in the summer.


Should be "finds"

They said things weren’t going right, “complications” they tried to comfort. I lost you Dearest Haven, and our baby girl too.


They aren't comforting the complications, are they? Nope, so this sentence doesn't really make sense. Revise.

I can’t live without you my love. With every word I wrote brought me closer to you. I’ll be there soon my darling. Meet me at the gates of wherever our souls my rest. Forever and eternally with you my Dearest Haven.


You're missing a few commas here: "I can't live without you, my love. Every word I write brings me closer to you. I'll be there soon, my darling. Meet me at the gates of wherever our souls may rest. [you say gates, so why not just say heaven?]Forever and eternally with you, my dearest Haven.

Overall:

Like I said up front, I really liked this. However, it really needs a thorough edit and grammar check. If you need any help with grammar (specifically comma usage) PM me.

But before you edit for that, I'd like to mention that I think childbirth is a very cliche and predictable way to kill off a character. I knew it was going to happen as soon as you said she was pregnant. So, I'd find another, more unexpected way for her to die. ^_^

Hope this helps! If you have questions or need a review on anything, PM me.

See you around!

Lupis




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creativeoutlet wrote:Beautiful!


Please specify.

Sincerely,

-Elitehusky



Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe