Just Listen Ch. 2

And so here I am, sitting at my desk the next day, the phone practically staring me down. Well, I did tell Gosling I would call him I think, and so, even though it goes completely against my better judgment I pick it up and dial the number of one particular old man named Frank Larkson.

The phone rings, and I tap my pen impatiently. His background search was fairly normal. Nothing out of the ordinary save for an article in the paper congratulating him for his successful career as a high school science teacher. Anyone who would voluntarily spend 45 years in a high school seems quite abnormal to me. What gets me wondering is how a commended retired science teacher has information about the kidnapping of a little girl.

Finally, after five or six long rings, someone picks up on the other line and there’s a gruff, “Hello?”

“Hello,” I say, “Is this Mr. Larkson?”

“Yes, “comes a simple reply.

“Hi,” I say, “This is Detective Denise Middleton from the Dewey Beach Police Department. My partner and I spoke to you yesterday about possible information regarding the Beauford kidnapping.”

“Ah yes, “Mr. Larkson says, “So you decided to call me, eh? Do you actually believe I have something to say?”

I rolled my eyes. Fantastic, now he decides to be sarcastic. “Well, Mr. Larkson that remains to be seen,” I say, “ My partner Gosling and I were hoping we could arrange a meeting with you to discuss details.”

“Well, I suppose I could clear out a space for you in my schedule today, “he says light-heartedly. “The boys will just have to wait.”

“The boys…” I say confused.

“Yes, “ he replies, “The boys! The ducks I feed every morning at Blockhouse Pond.” Boy, this guy sure better not quit his day job. But then, ding! there’s a connection in my brain.

“ Wait a minute, “ I say leaning forward in my chair, “Blockhouse Pond?” That was the one where Stephanie Beauford was kidnapped. Maybe this crazy, old man has information after all.

Thoughts swirling wildly I say, “Well, you know, Mr. Larkson those ducks may not have to wait at all. Why don’t you meet Gosling and I there at 11 o’clock? By the fountain.”

“I’ll be there, “he says, “I always am.”

spend 45 years in a high school seems

Write this out.

And so here I am

Awkward sentence beginning, especially for the first line of a chapter. This is a bit random, but you do know "Just Listen" is the title of a Sarah Dessen book? At least, I think it is. You may want to change that to avoid confusion.

“Yes, “comes a simple reply.

Don't overuse dialogue tags. Especially here, when there are so few talking, you really don't need them for clarity, and they don't help you. In this particular example, it's obvious that "yes" is a simple reply, and we can figure out who's talking, so it's not necessary. Much snappier without them.

“Well, Mr. Larkson that remains to be seen,” I say, “ My partner Gosling and I were hoping we could arrange a meeting with you to discuss details.”

Really, no more dialogue tags! It's definitely not useful here. Just annoying. Also you need a comma after "Larkson".

“ Wait a minute, “ I say leaning forward in my chair, “Blockhouse Pond?” That was the one where Stephanie Beauford was kidnapped. Maybe this crazy, old man has information after all.

Thoughts swirling wildly I say, “Well, you know, Mr. Larkson those ducks may not have to wait at all. Why don’t you meet Gosling and I there at 11 o’clock? By the fountain.”

“I’ll be there, “he says, “I always am.”

Lots of flipped quote marks here--not a big deal, but they make the whole thing look messy.

Ok, nitpicks done. This is a very short, smooth chapter, and I like it, but I almost feel like it isn't necessary at all. Definitely not as a stand-alone chapter. I just didn't get the sense that this particular scene is going to be important later, and thus began to skim. Of course, it is important that we know what he said, but unless there is a piece of info here that's going to be important later, why use it at all when you could just say something like "I called him and aranged a meeting."

Other than that, and the dialogue tags, which I strongly urge you to get rid of/pare down because they were quite annoying to read, I enjoyed this chapter, and want to continue reading, which is the most important thing.

Let me know if you ever want a review or have questions.

See you!

Lupis

Your story seems very interesting so far

Just a few nitpicky things though:

thehobbitgangster wrote:And so here I am, sitting at my desk the next day

Like canislupus said, the 'and' at the very start sounds a tiny bit strange.

thehobbitgangster wrote:Well, I did tell Gosling I would call him I think

The phrasing of this sentence sounds just a little bit awkward to me. Maybe something along the lines of 'Well, I think I did tell Gosling that I would call him' would work better? Just a suggestion ^^^

thehobbitgangster wrote:But then, ding! There’s a connection in my brain.

Also, a few of your speech marks are the wrong way around:

thehobbitgangster wrote:“Well, I suppose I could clear out a space for you in my schedule today, “he says light-heartedly.

Other than those small things, I think your story is really great