He's Gone Country - excerpt

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[[This is an excerpt from a story I've worked on in the past. It's a flashback of a young dad's; he and his a few years prior to the novel's actual story. Comments/suggestions welcome.]]


The bitty blond in the seat next to him dyed her thumbs blue, digging them into the wrapper-free taffy she was stretching out above her lap.
Morgan's mouth pulled. "Why don't you just eat it Lay, before you stain up those clothes?"
"But I'm making it longer."
"And thinner," he told her. But she didn't grasp the concept.
She held each end of her gooey rope and turned him a bright grin. "See, now I got more!"
He had to laugh. "Well... how about you eat it now."
She nodded and started at one end, sucking the life out of it and drooling down onto her shirt in the process.
What could he do? Take the candy away?
He stopped at a red light and pulled a napkin from the console.
"Here Lay, take this and clean yourself."
"Oh man." She wadded up her treat in one hand and took the napkin, ducking her sticky chin to dab and smear the mess into her yellow dress.
"Ewwww...." She wrinkled her nose, then laughed. "Hey look. The blue spit on yellow makes green."
He wrestled his smile. "Uh huh. Here, are you done with that?"
"Can I make more green?"
"Laila, Mommy's gonna have to clean that."
"But I like green."
"I know."
"I like green a lot. Almost as much as pink."
He gave up and smiled. "Yeah, it is a cool color, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it's the color of your costume when you fly away too."
He didn't know whether to laugh of flinch. "Yeah, my uniform is green."
"Yeah, that." She squished the candy and stuffed it into a napkin. "There! You like that?"
He glanced over. "Thank you."
"Now I can't eat it."
"We can get you something else."
"Taffy's my favorite."
He adjusted his rear view mirror. "You like other things too, don't you?"
"Not as much as taffy..." she sing-songed.
He said, "Well, you'll have taffy again."
She marched her feet in place on the floor board, making her voice deep and low as she chanted. "I - love - tah - fee - I - love - tah -fee."
When he brought his voice up high and squeaky and joined her, she dropped her feet and broke into laughter.
"Daaad!"
"What?"
"You're a BOY!"
"So?"
She giggled while she reprimanded, "You can't talk like a girl!"
"You were talking like a man..."
Her eyes rounded. "You really thought I sounded like a man?"
His eyes gleamed. "Yeah, JUST like grandpa..."
"Hey!"
He spread one hand off the wheel. "It's true."
"Nah uh!"
He smiled again. "Then who were you trying to sound like."
"Kind of like a man, but not GRANDPA..."
He chuckled. "It's okay. I could still tell it was you."
She laughed. "Cuz I was saying I want taffy?"
"Yeah." His smile lingered as he took a turn. "Cuz of that."
"Do you know what?"
"What's that?"
"My two favorite things in the WORLD are pools and taffy."
"Are they?"
She nodded quickly.
He frowned. "What about me and Mom?"
"You guys aren't things!" she wailed. "You're people!"
"Oh." He almost laughed. "Oh, yeah."
She giggled. "Dad, you're silly."
"Kinda, huh?"
"Yep. But that's kind of what makes you funny."
"That's good, right?"
"Right! How come you're slowing down?"
"The post office is right there. I need to drop this letter in the box."
"Ooh, and then can we go get another treat?"
"Another treat?"
"Yeah, you promised me another treat."
He scratched his head as he pulled onto the side of the street. "Oh, I suppose."
As he put the car in park, she clapped and reached for her seat belt.
"No, stay here, Lay, I'll be three seconds."
"But, I want to go with."
"Not now."
"Please??" She almost looked worried.
"See that slot on the side of the building? It's like ten steps away, that's where I'm going and then I'll be back. Just stay in your seat please."
"Aw, okay." She let out a soft whine and slouched down. "I'll just sit here and decide what treat I want."
"Kay." He smiled and climbed out, closing the door and striding around the car to the sidewalk. He stopped in front of the drop slot and looked over the envelope a few moments to be sure the address was correct, then dropped it down just as a deafening screech sounded behind him.
He whirled in time to witness a swerving car cut off a yellow school bus, the bus veering off to the left toward the side of the street. His heart crashed against the inside of his chest as his daughter cried out in the car. Before he could take another breath, the monstrous vehicle exploded into the smaller one holding his little girl.




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This is very touching. It reminds me of when I was little with my dad. I think you did a great job showing the character's personalities through simple conversation. Also, I could totally see the little girl sitting there, pulling on the taffy and talking, she talks just like someone that age. It was not confusing in the least, and an excellent story overall.

Kook9600




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Hey Typist! I'm here to review your awesome story!

Yes, it is indeed awesome. In a sad, disappointing kind of way, but it's awesome nonetheless. I love it when stories have sacrifice like this one; it makes it more realistic. One of my favorite quotes by some author that I can't remember is, "No tears in the author, no tears in the reader." I think every aspiring writer can take something away from that. :D

Anywho, onto the nitpicks:

"Cuz I was saying I want taffy?"


"Cuz" should be "'cause." It's an abbreviation of because (always remember that! :D), so you need to use the apostrophe to replace the "b" and the "e" at the beginning of the word. Otherwise it's just phonetics.

"Yeah, JUST like grandpa..."


"Just" should be put into italics instead of in all caps. It's the proper way to do things. :D On YWS, we use BBcode, so in order for your text to appear in italics, you do this:

Code
[i]Type whatever it is that you want in italics between these two brackests.[/i]


And that becomes this when you submit your post:

Type whatever it is that you want in italics between these two brackets.

See? Much better than THIS, right?

That's really it, as far as nitpicks go. Otherwise, I truly enjoyed reading this. One of my favorite things about this was how you made this nearly all dialogue. At first, I was kind of iffy about that, being a reader who craves description and all, but as I wrote this review, I realized that it somehow fit the mood of the story. Whether that was luck or by design, I loved it! :D

-Knightley
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga



There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke